Hi, I have been closeted 55 years and only recently out. My question is where do straight culture and gay culture diverge? Can straight values/standards be directly overlaid to the gay community? I suspect the bulk of it is the same but there are critical differences I need to be aware of. Any good TED talks or other online lectures on this topic?
This relates, if you'll bear with watching the whole video. He talks about 'the gay lifestyle'. Pardon me while I snigger a tad. LZ Granderson: The myth of the gay agenda - YouTube I guess the crux of it is that LGBT+ people, at the core, are the same as straight people. There are small differences, but at the end we're all just... people. I understand what you mean by gay culture, but... I would say it's more of a subset of 'actual' gay culture, which is practically the same as 'straight culture'. That's kind of what I'm getting at here. For some, one's sexuality is only an aspect, and does not majorly affect how one lives one's life besides who they get together with.
Reminds me of our pride month kickoff event at work, about trans equality. The presenter (the founder and executive president of the National Center for Transgender Equality, Mara Keisling) said as her first words "well, let me tell you the most important thing about myself. I was born". I think that pretty much sums up my views of "gay culture" (and her views of trans* culture) - it doesn't exist. I mean, we want to have emotional and sexual relations with guys. As minorities, there are some things that we must do differently in order to find each other (hold events, go to bars, etc) but once we've done that, I don't think that the culture as such is any different - we all do the same stuff. Am I missing something?
I thought about this kind of thing quite a bit over the last couple of years. I think the question is not where straight/gay cultures diverge but when. The cultures are beginning to merge together and in the future there may be no difference. The further you go in the past they are vastly different. For an out gay man in the 60's/70's the most popular "lifestyle" that would have been available is one of estrangement, promiscuity and drugs. So anyone that was closeted during those years who is out now is finding that this is what gay men their age are used to. Not all of them, but probably most. As a teen/young adult, all I would have wanted for my life was to get married and raise a family. Being in denial about my sexuality got in the way of all that and I wound up alone. Had I come out in the 80's/90's, the culture was still mostly a promiscuous lifestyle, but maybe a little less of one then a decade or two earlier. I never would have been able to fit into that. A teenager now who is out can actually look forward to getting married and raising a family...something unthinkable for earlier generations. The younger gay generation is growing up wanting those things. Unfortunately older generations who are just coming out are finding that most gays their age are either in denial/stuck in mixed-orientation marriages or way out and only used to open relationships. This is what I'm seeing over and over again. It's not an absolute, just a majority of the culture that can be classified by your age group. I envy those couples that you see pictured that have been together for 30/40 years because they are the exception not the rule. So for older guys who want to be true to their sexuality and want the lifestyle that straight people had as they were growing up are in for a shock. It's very hard to find someone their age who wants the same thing.
So, once again I find myself typing about something I have no business commenting on. I was reading an article a few says ago about marital happiness and it said that hetero couples could benefit from taking a page out of gay couples' books. In that, there are not automatic assumed roles or jobs in same sexual relationships and communication is required to hammer out the details so that both parties are happy. As modern as I like to think I am those gender roles still get imposed onto my straight relationship. And reading this made me think, "Wow, yeah. We're both humans before we're a man and a woman." And I think this basic respect is more automatic in a homosexual relationship. But, what do I know about it?
Well in a hetero marriage this gay man felt some one of needed to be home to raise our children and I took the job. Though I don't think testosterone is too helpful in 90% of child are duties.
I don't see why gay values would be any different than straight values. In my own opinion, I hate the "gay culture" vs "straight culture" argument...I feel like it's all a bunch of BS stereotypes. I have a friend who is very into the "gay culture" and everything is about stereotypes - twinks...bears...blatinos...effeminates...tops...bottoms...all sorts of groups and stereotypes. While he is a great friend, this is where our opinions differ. I personally find these stereotypes offensive. I just want a normal relationship with another guy. I don't need validation from a group or to "fit into" a culture. I consider myself an average person. I don't think of myself as a "gay person". I think of myself as a person. My values would be no different if I were straight vs being a gay.
The "over forty" gay men in my community tend to; go out to dinner as a group, sing in the gay men's chorus, go to movies or theater, own the clubs the younger gay folks attend. They tend to organize events and are involved in local politics. That's been my experience. FWIW