Gay and married

BMW2002, again, how crazy it is to me that there are so many parallels here; I think for many of us. I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my kids, but there is a pressure building that needs release. It is HONESTY. I want to be a UNIFIED HUMAN BEING. I want to really, finally, join in the human race and throw the 3rd person player video real game away.

Are you different? Probably not. Just more you. More than that, if you are like me, you are probably not sending mixed messages where you might have been before. I don't notice women either. Never really have, save a very small handful. I wouldn't know what to do in a room full of naked women either, certainly wouldn't get naked with them. One guy, right now, makes me ache (in a good kind of way I suppose).

I don't like breaking commitments. I have been loyal, in all things, all situations, my whole life: perfectly. It's killing me though. I've lost myself doing it. And now, that I am just a shell, I'm dragging my family down with me. The only way out for all of us is for me to get out all the way.

 

Absolutely agree. One of the ways that I am using to not damage those is to talk this through, good and bad, going to let loose a good rant sometime this evening:tantrum:, all here in EC so that I can maintain my balance.

I realize that I've got to get out of black and white Kansas, want relocate permanently into over the rainbow county, but am stuck in the stupid balloon. The greatest difficulty is, I'm the only one excited about Oz at the moment from within my family. Sometimes the vertigo of being stuck between yet another set of divergent worlds gets to me.

 

Saw this tonight, following links around, thought the bolded points fit here in this conversation some how, especially the first two or three:
Nine things NOT to do when you come out of the closet – LGBTQ Nation

 

Too true.

A first hello from me (haven't been on EC for quite a while).

I just wanted to wish you good luck and good heart with your progress on this. Hell in a bucket is how I've called it in the past.

All the best,
Tom

 

Finding this site is so helpful for me... I recently accepted that I'm gay. Problem is... I'm married, 51 with two young kids. I feel like I'll destroy the by telling them, I know I'm destroying me by not telling. I've never been unfaithful. I did have gay relationships prior to our marriage, but chose marriage to fit in to the a life that my family would accept. I feel like I've done all the wrong things for the wrong reasons. Recently, I came out to a very close (non gay) friend. He was loving and accepting. He's given me a lot of strength. I have to admit, it felt like a ton of bricks came off my shoulders when I told him I was gay. Saying those words were uplifting.

I'm not sure where I'm heading... I love my wife, but it's a platonic love. I adore my kids... I want to be a great father to them... I don't want to lose them.

Right now I'm learning to navigate the site, hopefully I'll be able to read some of the shared experiences from others like me.

 

It was the same for me D. I'm in a very similar situation and I'm not sure where I'm headed either. Just being able to say the words did a lot for me as well. I started to see a counselor to help me navigate these uncertain waters and at has been great to be able to unload all this stuff off my shoulders. I suggest keep talking, typing your feelings out. Ask questions this is a great community of people who truly want to help others get through this.

 

Wow BMW2002 -- I could not have said it better myself! I was married so young and truly in love. And after the marriage ended, truly fell in love with women again.

It never dawned on me that all men didn't have the questions, fantasies, interests that I did!

As I was getting close to being married (to a woman)... my anxiety and depression grew until it was almost over whelming. Yes, there were things about the relationship that were off.. in truth, when I started looking at myself -- I know that I had all the signs of a gay little boy from very early on.

Blessings on your journey. Honestly, truth, authenticity will give you peace. And much more. /Pete

 

Hi D43054 & BMW2002

Welcome, you have found the right place to help get your life back on track. Many of us here are working through the same issues. I joined the site in January this year and within a few months with the help and support on EC I came out to my wife after 25 years of marriage. She is very supportive and we have decided to stay together in an open marriage. When I came out to her I gave her the following notes, although they relate to my situation they also include wider information that perhaps you may find helpful.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...3-notes-i-handed-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html

Sale Gay Guy

P.S. I don’t mean to offend effeminate guys with part of the above where I state I think guys should act like guys, it’s just my preference. I have been in and around the theatre for many years and know several effeminate guys, in fact my best man at my wedding was rather effeminate, and so I don’t have a problem with them.

 

Sorry the above link is incorrect please use

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html

Sale Gay Guy

 

It does make a huge difference to be able to say it, even if you can't really do a lot about it for the time being. I finally admitted it to myself and a couple of close co-workers about a year ago, and have added several people to the list since then, including a close cousin, and my wife and teenage daughter. I'm in something of a holding pattern now because of several issues surrounding my marriage that I can't just bail on, in good conscience, although the marriage will end eventually. (My kids are in 7th and 10th grade, so I suspect they may be a little older than yours.)

Like you, I've never been unfaithful, and got married in the first place, at least in part, to meet the expectations of family. And, let's be honest here, my own expectations as well. I was brought up on the notion that a wife and kids were the most important thing any guy could have, and I bought into it 100%, so while my parents planted that seed in my head, I watered and fertilized the hell out of it.

I can tell you that my wife has been more accepting that I would have expected, for reasons of her own (she's got her own issues, and it appears that having a reliable gay husband works better for her at the moment than having no husband at all). I CAN'T tell you that all wives are so accepting. There are men on EC whose wives have been very supportive, and others whose wives are downright monstrous. It does seem that very few were 100% in the dark, though--I know mine wasn't. Your path through this will be your own, and I hope you can draw on our experiences to help you navigate the icebergs. Sometimes the biggest help is just knowing that you're not alone.

 

Tommy, thanks for your kind words. The caring people on this site are amazing, you are all giving me strength. I indicated in my post that I had recently come out to a close friend. He has been very supportive, but I do not want it to consume our friendship... That's not fair to him. I think that you're right, I need to find a counsellor or support group. I live in a fairly large metro, so I'm sure resources are available.

---------- Post added 13th Nov 2013 at 03:09 AM ----------

Sale... Your notes are wonderful. They could almost be a outline for my situation. A great part of my personal revaluation came as I recently went through intense grief of the loss of someone I loved in my past... I never had closure in that relationship, through my grief I realized that the reason that the relationship never worked was my homosexuality. The relationship ended 30 years ago... I've been holding a torch for that long (I am 51)

Thanks for your wisdom... And sharing your strength with me.

 

Choirboy. My kids are 4th & 9th grade... So closer than you think. I like you feel that I may not be able to bail on the marriage. You're also correct that I fertilized the seeds planted by my family. I knew through past experiences that I was likely gay before the marriage... I guess I thought it'd get better. I think it's only festered. Factually, I created this image, and now I feel imprisoned by it.

Once I actually admitted to myself that I'm gay... And shared it with my friend, I feel like there's this momentum that's started... And I may not be in control. I'm trying to give myself time to fully understand who the new Dean really is... before I have to explain it to others.

I feel terribly guilty about 'wanting my cake and eating it too' I want a relationship with another man, but I want the status quo with my family. I ended sex in my marriage several years ago... I'm just no longer attracted to women. That's not fair to my wife.

Obviously, I'm rambling here... These are the thoughts that are constantly running through me these days.

Thanks...

 

I understand the feeling. There is a kind of "snowball down the mountain" effect once you stop hiding, and it gets more and more difficult to keep pretending. Honesty is very exhilarating! I made a lot of awkward scripts in my head for telling my wife the truth, but lost my nerve several times, then finally one day it just came out. Turns out--as was the case with quite a few people in our situation here--she already had her suspicions, had for years, and my telling her was just the final confirmation.

I think a lot of times our spouses are in nearly as much denial as we have been. They often had their own reasons for being complicit in our secret. Mine has made several comments (mostly designed to make me feel awkward or guilty) about how my lack of interest in sports, general lack of handyman abilities (not really true--I just don't like the criticism and supervision I get), and of course the years of no sex, made it pretty obvious that I wasn't a "typical husband". But she has also spent 20 years not having to fend for herself, with a husband catering to her whims because he was desperate to be accepted as just another straight guy, although if I WAS just another straight guy, I might well have cut her loose 10 or 15 years ago. And although she used the lack of sex as a stick to beat me with, the truth is that she was never all that receptive back in the days when I was putting on a better show, so I expect she was really pretty much OK with my not pestering her, as long as she could use it to her advantage.

Still trying to sort out in my head what of the status quo I want to maintain, and for how long. The kids much prefer me because their mom is not very stable, and I'm really living day to day at the moment trying to work through how I can move on without too negative an effect on them all. I get a little frustrated sometimes, because I sometimes feel that things should be moving more quickly, especially compared to others whose stories you might read here. But in the end it has to be change at the pace you can live with, in a way that makes you happiest. Because that's really what this is about. There will be rough spots, but the goal is to be the person you didn't allow yourself to become 10, 20, 30 or however many years ago. It's really a pretty exciting chance, when you think about it.

 

Hi D43054

Thanks for the kind words; I am pleased you found my notes of interest.

Since you are new to this site I don’t know if you are yet aware of the blog function. You can read other people’s blogs by clicking on the number next to the words “Blog Entries:” which is the last line of text appearing under the posters details at the left hand side of the screen. Many of the users on the site have written blogs and I have used my blog to chart my journey to date including before and after coming out. Please feel free to have a read.

Sale Gay Guy

P.S. Not all users have made their blogs readable by others so you may encounter some you can't access.

 

Choirboy, D43054, SalGayGuy, BMW2002, Palimpsest, Tommyj (and many others), I can really relate to what you are going through (very similar situation all around), and I know your pain. I don't know why this site doesn't allow PM's, I'd feel more comfortable sharing in that kind of venue. Is there a way for us to share our stories in a less public manner than an open post?

 

When you become a full member you will be able to.