From my catalyst to my career

Hi everyone,

Weird when, after a little while, things change a bit and some falls into place.

I feel fairly sure I freaked my catalyst out by my nervousness and my inability to behave calmly when in her presence. In my defence, I was surprised and panicked, but I think I've calmed down now. I think about her a lot, but am aware that whatever she thinks of me will be coloured by her first impressions of me. I think I behaved like an over excited labrador tbh. I was so taken aback and felt unable to cope with my emotions. Anyway. A couple of months have passed. I still think she's awesome but a few realistic thoughts are also hovering about. I rather wish I had handled it better, I think I was a bit overbearing if I'm honest, but it is what it is, and I'm now ready for being super attracted to women I meet in future, so will be able to handle it better. Not so much surprise and panic, and OMG!Whatishappening!

I'm also noticing that I really notice women. LOL This makes me giggle. I've always noticed women in this way, just not been so aware! It also gives me confidence that I'm not solely crushing on my catalyst. There are women about that I find attractive beyond her. This is a good thing as it takes the focus away from her and hopefully I am not being so intense.

I'm becoming more involved in lesbian aspects in my work. I don't want to say too much about that, just that with lgbtq+ being big this year and suffrage next year, there has been a lot of scope for me to put myself forward for lesbian-themed 'things'. I feel really comfortable with this and increasing my connection with women and sexuality in a work context feels like a preofessional direction I want to go in. I also feel this is quite a healthy outlet for me, externalising rather than internalising. I'm in touch with an ex colleague who is now big in lgbtq+ stuff within her organisation, so feel I'm making good contacts too.

I feel I am steering a super tanker. A tiny move of the wheel will result in a pretty substantial change of direction.

It's not all good. I regret my over-excitement with my catalyst, and my gut feeling is that she is not terribly keen on me as a person, which is a shame as I am pretty likeable I think. Nothing to be done about that, though, just keep it calm, and behave professionally from now on even though I feel mortified about my earlier bouncing around! (I guess this happens to us all at times!!!)

Right now, I feel the best thing for me is to concentrate on the possibilities career wise, and through that the bigger changes in my life from a more personal perspective will also manifest themselves.

Thanks for listening after all this time.