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Friend trying to connect again, but its complicated

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by KaySee, May 30, 2018.

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  1. KaySee

    KaySee
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    A friend from high school that I haven't spoken to in a few years contacted me on social media. We exchanged greetings and asked each other 'how are you doing'? Now, he wants to meet up.

    The problem is this: he was the first person I, as a queer person, faced discrimination from. I suppose it was a microaggression, but it was still shocking and painful. I came out as aromantic to to him and another friend. It was the first time I came out to someone besides family and my therapist, and the first time I got a negative reaction from someone I cared about. Being asked the dreaded "Are you sure?" when you come out is bad. He questioned the validity and reality of my feelings.

    According to someone else, he was disappointed and liked me. Looking back, he might have tried to spend more time with me and invited me to things. I am autistic, which makes everything more complicated. I don't understand social ques that well and thought that he was just trying to be closer friends. I didn't go out with him because socializing was draining. Maybe he didn't mean to be hurtful, but he still was.

    I didn't speak to him, didn't resolve it. High school ended soon enough and I barely spared him a thought after that. Now he wants to talk and meet up.

    Should I meet up with him? If he does ask me out, what would I do? He should be smart enough to know I'm not interested, but I still feel pained and uncomfortable. If I agree, how would I even arrange it? How would I manage my anxiety?
     
    #1 KaySee, May 30, 2018
  2. smurf

    smurf
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    It all depends on what your motivation is and what you hope to get out of it.

    Do you want him to know how much it hurt and to hopefully apologize? What happens if he doesn't apologize, would you still talk to him?

    I personally always like to have an "ending" to things. For me, I would use this time to be as honest with him as you can dare to be. Tell him what you told us. You can say "This might seem silly to you, but this is how I'm feeling about you reaching out" and let him know. Maybe he will surprise you or maybe he will react badly to that and then you for sure know he isn't worth your time.

    All that being said, if meeting up with this person is giving you anxiety and you have nothing to gain from it then its also perfectly fine to say "I appreciate you reaching out, but I will have to pass on meeting up". You don't need to explain it more than that if you don't want.
     
    #2 smurf, May 31, 2018
    Love4Ever likes this.
  3. Love4Ever

    Love4Ever
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    This is great advice. It's possible he does want to apologize and that's why he wants to see you, but you certainly don't have to feel obligated to see him. I would message him and explain that your feeling unsure. If he is a good friend he will want to make you feel comfortable and apologize.
     
    #3 Love4Ever, May 31, 2018
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