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Found out a friend might be gay, it's a big shock that raises a lot of Questions?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by eyeofthetiger, Nov 19, 2014.

  1. eyeofthetiger

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    Well I'm a closeted (no one knows) gay guy. I'm not very effeminate and my close friends are your typical masculine straight guys. I do have this gay friend, who, while not being effeminate has tendencies that make it easier to spot that he is gay. We will call him friend A. I have another friend who is one of my best friends, he's a masculine guy who no one would suspect of being gay. Let's call him friend B. Friend A and B have a mutual friend who many have long suspected of being gay. We can call him Friend C.

    Here's the story:

    So friend A is very comfortable with his sexuality, he is open to everyone and very comfortable in his openness. Me and him aren't necessarily close ( I have never had a close gay friend, we don't have much in common). But he is a little closer to friend B. But friend B is your typical masculine guy and so are most of the "hommies" if you will that Friend B usually hangs with. Moreover, friend B is usually chasing girls so it was very inconceivable of me to think of him as gay. Friend B and I are usually talking about which girl is hot, he laughs at me for my lack of women, I laugh at him for his choice in women, I've been a wingman for him in the past. So it's the typical buddy relationship. Recently me and friend A were working together on some project when on a particular night of a few drinks I asked him why it is people keep assuming friend C was gay. To which he responded that he knows friend C is gay and that friend C and B had sex. And that friend B fell in love with Friend C and that things went sour and that's why the two don't talk nor like each other. He also told me that friend B once came to his house crying about having to live up to people's expectations and not being able to be himself. Friend B also gave friend A a handjob once. Friend B has been confiding in Friend A. Everything Friend A told me was told to him in confidence and no one else knows. A few questions:


    1.Why did friend A tell me all of this?

    Me and friend A aren't that close and he knows me as being straight. Why did he tell me such personal things about friend B that he hasn't told anyone else? It would ruin friend B's life if people found out. The girls he flirts with would probably hate him, his close friends wouldn't treat him the same anymore. His life would literally flip over it's head. So why tell me and risk everyone else knowing. I understand why friend B told friend A. When I needed to talk to someone about my sexuality, I almost came out to friend A (I'm glad I didn't though). So I get where friend B is coming from. But why would friend A break friend B's trust by telling me? Does he suspect that I'm gay?

    2. Could Friend B know friend A told me?

    I found out a few days ago and just yesterday, Friend B called me to talk about something he read in the newspaper. I found this odd because whenever we communicate through phone, text or facebook, it's usually to make drinking plans or because there's actual thing were doing. We never call each other just to talk about something. It was a pretty insignificant thing too. Does he know I know?

    3. I'm attracted to friend B and want to seduce (couldn't think of a less cheesy word to use) him. Is it wrong? if not, how should I go about it?

    I realized a while back that I actually thought friend B was attractive. It didn't mean much then, but now that friend B might be gay, I feel like going for it. But I don't want to be wrong, in case friend A lied. And I don't want him to suspect friend A told me.

    4. Friend B is someone I can relate to.

    Most gay guys I know have traits that are typically gay and enjoy and hang with friends who are similar. Friend B and I, on the other hand, would never be suspected of being gay making it harder for either of us to come out. I want to confide in friend B about this so that I can at least talk to someone who understands.
     
  2. resu

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    Friend A likely suspects you're gay or at least into guys. Whatever you do, make this story stop with you. Actually, you should be wary of Friend A for revealing something so secret if Friend B gave him permission (which you should ask A about). You might just tell Friend A that you don't want to hear any more secrets about B or C.

    You won't know what B is thinking unless you ask him or he's really obvious. So, don't worry about that unknown. Focus on the knowns (i.e. that you like him). Instead of trying to seduce B (which may be how C got into his pants...), try to just be more upfront even if it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you could bring up some news topic about being gay and how hard it must be to come out, etc. The goal is to show him you understand what he may be feeling (assuming A is telling the truth). Don't put too much into his contact, but why not try to do the same to him. Mention something you read/saw that you think he would like. It shows that you had him on your mind. :wink:

    Even if it's harder to come out, the actual act is quite simple. You could even phrase it as you like guys or whatever if the G-word is too scary. Coming out is a great way of showing someone you trust them (and they can trust you) about sexuality. It will also make things easier so they don't talk about heterosexual things. I recently came out to a friend from elementary school, who then promptly responded about being genderqueer (though still straight), and we carried on talking about hot guys as if there was no problem. That's how you should feel when you know someone well as a true friend.
     
  3. IG88

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    I agree. Idk if A suspects that you're gay, but don't confide in him either! He may have been blabbing some gossip, and that bit of info was very irresponsible for him to discuss. Drinking makes you do that. Plus he's gay, so it wouldn't be as big of deal with him.

    Also, making it your goal to seduce B makes me think that you are soley interested in his body, and not him as a person. Could you see yourself dating him? Idk about you, but I think sex shouldn't be had with anyone, just because they're hot. At the very least one should feel love for the other.

    Be cautious, as B may still have feelings for C. B was close enough to A to give him a hj, so they may talk about personal things, including you if you try to pursue B, which A might blab to people you don't want knowing. Make it your goal to get to know B better, not to get in his pants. He is a person, not a sex object. Find similar activities you two enjoy and go forth and do them!
     
  4. topher85

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    sounds like your going to have to talk to friend B and eventually work your way out to him and try to get him to come out if he is infact not straight.

    very interested to see how this works out for you, hope it works out well.
     
  5. eyeofthetiger

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    Well I can't come out to friend B nor persuade him to come out to me. Friend A will know !

    I feel like letting friend B know what friend A told me. But I don't want him to get too upset nor tell friend A (who I feel trusted me enough to tell me this). How do I tell friend B what friend A told me without getting friend A in trouble?

    If friend B is gay/questioning, I'd rather he find out from me that I know especially if friend A might have already told him he told me.
     
  6. Really

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    Friend A sounds like a bit of trouble you might want to steer clear of. If you like B, be friendly and find a way to mention that your good at keeping confidences; you don't talk about things that aren't yours to tell. That way, if, by chance, A told B about blabbing to you or he is questioning, you've assured him you will not pass on info you got through gossip and if he ever wanted to come out to you, you'd be discreet then, too.
     
  7. eyeofthetiger

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    Well this story took a surprising turn very recently. Almost like something out of a movie.

    So very recently, I got super sloshed. I'm talking black out drunk. I said some mean things to people then eventually came out, I didn't do it conclusively though. I sort of admitted that I was questioning my sexuality. 4 people heard this confession, including friend B. They all agreed not to mention it to me, as they didn't want me being concerned with something I wasn't ready for.

    Anyways, friend B decided to tell me what I said the next day. It also turns out that in my drunken state, I told him I knew about him and friend C ( luckily no one heard). Friend B proceeded to clarify that he had slept over at friend C's one night but did nothing with him. He never liked friend C in that way. Friend C had been spreading rumours about them. But none of it is true. Friend B never confided in friend A about any of it. Friend A just heard the rumours and decided to spread them further.

    I then went on to tell him everything friend A told me. It turns out he did in fact giver friend A a handjob but he was only experimenting.

    Over the coming days we started confiding in each other more and it turns out friend B has fooled around with a guy in the past and is in fact bisexual. He's comfortable with it, he just can't come clean because that would affect his chances with women. Me and friend B have sort of started fooling around a bit. We've made out, he's given me a handjob and fingered me. I've sucked him off. Problem is, we've done all of this under the pretence of just being friends.

    To complicate matters worse, friend B is sort of getting serious with a girl who is one of my good friends. Can call her friend D. He's afraid us fooling around may mess that up or it could mess up our friendship, I've assured him it won't. I haven't told friend B that I like him because I don't think he feels the same way and he won't want to fool around anymore if he finds out.
     
  8. robclem21

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    This will almost certainly mess up both his relationship and your friendship, especially given the fact you like him. Being physically involved with someone almost always strengthens an emotional bond and when he enters a relationship, I can guarantee you she will come before you do. That's gonna hurt. Trust me, I've been there. Your hurt feelings will negatively affect your friendship and so will the fact he feels that he needs to be cautious around you.

    Second, its risky for him and chances are he will treat you differently when he starts his relationship. I doubt you will like that much too.

    Advice: I think if you are interested in him, you should tell him. Seems like he would be okay with that and at worst it won't work and you can go back to being normal friends without fooling around. If he doesn't feel the same way, thats the best way to maintain a friendship anyway. Also now you have someone you trust who u can confide in and talk to about being gay.
     
  9. warthog

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    I sort of skimmed the story and the responses. Here's what I got :

    Drinking is bad for your social life :grin:

    First of all, friend A told you all those things about B when you were both drinking, yes you said a few drinks but nevertheless I think they loosened his tongue.
    Secondly, you went all vocal about your sexuality and about what was told to you in confidence because you were sloshed, and yes that opened a door to B having deeper conversations with you, which is something I perceive that you welcome, but it still complicated things for you.
    Now apart from the evil of drink gossip, I think you should just keep your friendships as they are. B sounds like a cool guy and maybe his value as a friend is much more than a failed crush ?
    People are telling to steer clear of A, but I say give the guy some slack .

    Hope my 2 cents mean something
     
  10. ok this alphabet soup.

    I am not sure i believe friend B about not screwing friend C. sure Friend A is a gossip queen but why would C (a masculine guy) spread rumors that could hurt his rep with women about sleeping with A if they were not true. Friend B is prone to lying since he is lying to the women he is sleeping with as well. I'm sure he is not telling them about this fooling around with guys and would deny it all if it came up.

    Sounds like to me that you're going to catch feeling for B and ultimately B is going to dump you for the girl, D. so the only thing you can do it just hide your true feelings, enjoy the hookups, start looking for a Gay Friend E for yourself to date on the side so that when/if friend B dumps you and cuts it off for Friend D, you'll have someone to go to. Friend B may like you but i doubt he'll seriously be able to be in a relationship with you right now, so this is just hookup stuff basically. Don't get your feelings hurt. Either just use him for the hookups but don't get emotionalliy attached. If you are getting attached, you may want to just stop hooking up and keep it as friends and find gay Friend E asap.
     
    #10 timeforchange, Jul 13, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
  11. robclem21

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    ^^ I don't think that someone staying in the closet makes them necessarily prone to lying in all aspects of their life. that really isn't an accurate statement.

    People stay in the closet for any number of reasons and to say they may lie about everything else is not really fair
     
  12. eyeofthetiger

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    I was hanging out with some friends when b rocked up. I didn't realize how wierd hanging around him and otheras would be. I've decided to just fool around with him and just experiment. The wierdness will go away eventually...
     
  13. eyeofthetiger

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    Well, I'll leave the closing chapter to this story here. Friend B and D ended up dating while B and I continued to fool around.?For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to tell Friend A about it.

    Friend A went on to "warn" Friend D that she should cut the relationship with Friend B because he and I are fooling around. Friend D confronted me and I admitted that we might have at one point sort of fooled around. Long story short, B and D broke up. Friend B and I still sort of hang around each other but he's clearly keeping his distance from me because he feels I broke his trust by telling A. D wasn't talking to me for a few months but it seems we're cool again since we started hanging out. Of course we never discuss Friend B or what happened. She just told me (after getting really really drunk) that she hasn't told anyone and that the secret is safe with her.

    I think I should apologize to her but I feel like that might jeopardize our friendship which was just recently mended.
     
  14. Afterfshn

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    Omg and what happend to friend A? And do you still have feelings for B?
     
    #14 Afterfshn, Feb 16, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2016
  15. Euler

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    This whole thread is like from a soap opera.

    I hope you learned a lesson of two from this episode. If someone tells you about someone else's secret you cannot trust that person. There is no excuse for telling someone else's secrets even to your best friend.
     
  16. eyeofthetiger

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    I should've listened to the advice on this thread. I really should've. If I had, who knows how differently things could've turned out.

    Friend D and I have gotten really close actually. Since she already knows, she has been a great confident and friend. Especially as an ear piece for my problems. Particularly dealing with my sexuality. I've also been a good friend to her. B started pursuing her recently but she's thought about it and is choosing not to get back together with him.

    As for my relationship with B. You'd swear he hates me. We never talk about it and he generally avoids me unless he has to talk to me. On one drunk occasion, we spoke about it and he told me how betrayed he felt. Especially since he (as others on this thread have) warned me about trusting Friend A. I still like him, I don't understand why but I do. I still want to be at the very least friends with him but I feel he will never trust me again. How do I fix this ?
     
  17. AlmostBlue

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    If you want to fix this and gain his trust one day, then you have to demonstrate the maturity and trust that you lacked before by respecting B's choice this time. If you continue to push, it's going to make it harder for him to trust you. If he wants to be friends with you, he will approach you. In the mean while, I think you could try to meet other guys as well, and not fixate on B.