I'm an older guy who has slowly been coming to terms with his sexuality as a bi/sometimes gay leaning/fluid person. It's taken forever and I've only come out to one friend (partly because I was in love with him and suspected he was gay too). I'm in a very difficult position because whilst I was planning to come out slowly to selected people in my own time, it may be that my hand is forced. Here's why... Whilst on a gay dating app I was messaged by a younger lad who I thought I recognised. He sent me another face photo and I couldn't send one back because....he is my niece's boyfriend! I've suspected he might be gay since I first encountered him due to his mannerisms and he sent, without invitation, candid photos of himself without realising who he was chatting to. He's obviously cheating my niece and I feel like I should protect her from being hurt by somehow alerting her to the fact that he is really bi/gay and using gay apps. However, if I alert her - or say my brother for advice instead - then I obviously out myself. The other thing is that my coming out shouldn't be forced and it should be about ME, not partially about me and partially about having to disclose upsetting news to a relative. I'm not sure what to do. If I keep this a secret then I don't see how it's fair on my niece. At the same time I shouldn't have to be forced into this by this guy's indiscretion should I?
Can't you just deal directly with him via the app? You have not sent him anything to identify yourself, so if you just said "hey, I think I know you in real life, are you being honest with your girlfriend? You want to msg with me about that?" He may drop you or block you, but you don't out yourself and you get to the be something of the protective uncle.
I agree. I think speaking to him directly and involving anyone else might be your best starting point. Try and work it out between the two of you, tell him he can't mess your niece around like this, and maybe neither of you need to be forced into coming out/being outed before you's are ready
Thanks for your advice guys. I'm not sure i'm comfortable messaging him and calling him out on it. I know there's no easy answer. What I think is a bit low is that he has waited for her to go on vacation before popping up on the app. He's her first boyfriend too. However I'd be surprised if he's had (m)any gay experiences and may be using the time she is upstate to explore his bi/gay curious side. It may be that in time he admits it to her. I just feel guilty for knowing and knowing that I could spare her a long drawn out sham but then why should I have to sacrifice my protected sexuality over this? As I said, if I come out soon I want it to be on my terms and not because I feel an obligation. One thing I forgot is that I'd included a candid photo of myself before he sent his second, more identifiable face pic. I really don't want to have to say to him "dude, I know who you are...you've seen my xxxx and I've seen yours..". What if I create a new, blank profile on the app in the hope that he messages again and then if he sends a face pic again, I can say "Whoah, I know you and I know you've got a girlfriend etc". Here's the problem - he's relatively new to the area having moved here with his job and I'm not sure he actually knows that many people in this area. It could be that I'd be identifying myself by default by mentioning that I know he has a girlfriend....
