I'm not really sure where to put it. Let it be here, okey? I am mostly heterosexual, and can't change it. While I'm into women, men just make me crazy. I'm a tomboy or something, if the word "tomboy" applies to adults at all. I do lots of sports, including martial arts, I like action films, I wear suits and trousers with sneakers/those "men's" dress shoes (not sure what their name is in English) a lot, I'd love to get a tie or a bow tie some day, I usually don't go for make-up at all, or at least not for heavy make-up. What I study and will later on do for a living has much to do with machines, and I love it. I mean, I'm not the very social type, and like to spend time with machines Even when they require fixing. My list of feminine traits is just a little bit shorter, but I won't bore you with this any longer. The point being: while I think that my masculine and feminine traits almost even out, I'm still noticably more masculine than most women, and the feminine role in a relationship frustrates me a bit. It seems appealing in lesbian relationships that they seem much more fluid and dynamic than straight relationships. But 1. I'm more straight than not and can't make myself just fall in love with someone 2. Grass may seem greener on the other side. In most relationships I've been in, and most of the time when there is a flirt between me and someone else, some sort of kitsch movie script is followed, and suggestions to do something else scare the shit out of the guy. Maybe the thing is that heterosexuality is the "official" sexuality - it is the "norm", the standard, and therefore it is the thing that has a script at all, and homosexuality lacks those official scripts, and people have to just follow what they feel? I don't mean to offend anyone, and probably speak from the point of view "grass is greener on the other side". As someone who defies gender expectations and doesn't want to follow the script of "damsel in distress and her hero", strives for more fluidity, it is difficult to navigate the dating scene. Maybe my view of heterosexual relationships is also too flat and maybe I have met the wrong people. As far as I know, the area I come from is pretty conservative, and people are very rigid. For me the whole idea of butch and femme, although it puts people in boxes, is very aluring, and allows for more freedom. A woman who is a femme in one relationship can become a butch in the other, and she can be a butch in one aspect and a femme in the other. And it isn't seen as a devaluation of her partner. What I find good about it is the possiblity of trying things out, and following your heart in your choices instead of just a script from a Disney movie. "Butch" has no heterosexal counterpart, but it resonated with me for some reason. That it is an adult woman, who embraces the mascuine side in a way that seems real to me (the word might be wrong, but I can't find a better descriptor). I think that this "real" means sort of down-to-earth, everyday, not as a fashion or political statement, but with all its drawbacks, with consequence, not as a drag, not as a "lighter version" adorned with sequins "for safety" of the gender regime. Please forgive the rant... Things unnamed are not palpable. So have you heard of any terms, descriptions, films that show fluidity in sexual relationships? Some alternative approaches? Forgive me if I'm blind, too, but I'm tired of hearing that if a woman cuts her hair it must be escaping from being who she is, and that female sexuality equals to mascara and a mini skirt. I know it all sounds like a big overgeneralisation, but, please, don't delete, try to understand. Disclaimer: I'm not really good at putting my feelings into words, and if something sourds wierd or offensive or like an overgeneralisation, I don't mean it to, but probably couldn't find a way to describe things properly. This is also the reason why I use so many ineffective words to describe what I mean (=why my post is so long). I fully realise that for actual butch lesbian women things might look very different, and that this role is also oppressive, especially for those who took it on out of necessity, or to be able to live with their partners, not out of preference for the masculine, and had to be someone else than they really are to receive love. I fully appreciate it, as I also have to pretend someone else, and it realy bugs me. It all makes me think that there is no help for people like me.
