Finding peace during divorce / coming out late

Wow.....its like looking in a mirror. I have 3 daughters as well, and understand and relate to all those things you said.
I havesocial anxiety, zero friends, and as much as part of me would like to meet a guy, I am far from being in a position where I feel I'm ready for that. It feels like I have too many things to get in order first before my life can "begin".

 

Hi jjc76,

Welcome to EC :welcome:

This sounds like my wife. The divorce process has made this dynamic very clear to me. It's her way or the highway. During the marriage I often took the high road to keep the peace. Now whenever I push back a fight erupts, and I take pleasure when she calls me "selfish", which is her way of saying that I'm no longer a pushover

It's terrible that we live in a world where we must absorb negative messages about our sexuality from organized religion, society, friends, and family to the point where we feel shame and feel the need to hide our true selves from the world. In my case, I found that much of my anxiety was caused by living in the closet and that by coming out a lot of the anxiety disappeared as I began to live authentically.

As for finding a boyfriend, the fact that you are terrified reminds me of a quote in my sig from Joseph Campbell

The good news is that you are pretty far down the road since you're separated. I would advise taking baby steps. Are there any LGBT meetups in your area? Having gay friends is a great first step that you can take while still married. You seem reticent to begin dating. You may want to ask your attorney about the legal risk of having a BF while separated in case the legal risk is low.

Do you still feel internalized homophobia? It's hard to get rid of all the shame and negative messages from earlier in life. I would recommend reading The Velvet Rage, a compelling read that has opened my eyes to the landscape of gay culture and even some of the things that I did to deal with the shame before coming out (and even before I came out to myself).

HTH

 

For a different perspective, I did not put my life on hold while the divorce was pursued. i met people, had one boyfriend, and have since found another where we plan to marry. Unless your concerned about the implications on your divorce proceedings, at a minimum, I would certainly start to explore, get to know yourself, and meet others.

As far as the kids are concerned. Sometimes there is collateral damage in a divorce. Sounds like you have a bit of a battle on your hand. You may want to consider if the battle today is worth the long term damage that it might cause with your children. If they are being manipulated, by fighting for custody, your probably only giving her more ammunition to further influence them with.

Consider taking a step back from the custody battle. What you want to do is position yourself to have a relationship with them when they get older. What they have today will be damaged most likely based on what you said, try not to make it worse.

---------- Post added 3rd Dec 2015 at 02:25 PM ----------

...and I am suggesting this approach regarding your children from experience.......

 

I am reading Velvet Rage as suggested to me by SiennaFire and I am shocked by how much I identify with the message. I am learn a lot about myself while reading it. Highly recommended.

---------- Post added 3rd Dec 2015 at 10:27 AM ----------

This is going to very much depend on your jurisdiction. In mine it's very simple, 50/50 is the law. I have decided that I will resolutely stick to that, yes I will be flexible and understanding in practice, I am not going to nitpick over every day or hour. If she attempts to poison the kids then so be it. I firmly believe that will eventually backfire when the kids are old enough to see things for what they are they will see who just resolutely stuck by what is best for them and who is bitter and twisted. I suppose the answer I suggest is fight for what is right and let the cards fall where they may.

That's my approach.

 

Thanks for posting on here. It helps to see all the different situations we can find ourselves in in all the stages of being true to ourselves. I appreciate it.

I was wondering if you can talk to your lawyer to see the possible implications of living your life as the divorce progresses? Or are the laws in your state such that any dating activity (whether with a guy or girl, should not matter?) would affect your custody talks already in progress? I don't know anything of such things so I can't begin to advise there.

I've put my life on hold for various things through the years, and while I always felt a sense of accomplishment that I could be so self-denying while it was happening, it didn't help my overall issue of not being in touch with myself.

It seems a lot of us lgbt later in life have the experience of being controlled and dominated in our marriages. I wonder if that is a coping mechanism, psychologically, to take the power away from ourselves and transfer it to someone else who can save us from being different in this hetero norm world. When I met my spouse I knew my life trajectory could easily follow his. As long as I comply with him, my life will seem perfect and normal.

Sorry to write a book here but your post really affected me, and you might just post one time and leave EC. But I hope you will stay and absorb the familiarity and camaraderie here. You have taken so many steps internally and externally, and many of us here I think will look to you as we figure our own stuff out.

Anyway thanks for posting and welcome to EC.

 

I would just add that in your case there is the additional factor of the Mormon Church, which no doubt influences a lot of how your wife and children behave toward you. Moreover, the larger Mormon community of which they are a part reinforces their thinking. I am not a Mormon, but I have a Mormon friend in very similar circumstances to yours: his wife took their children and moved clear across the country to be with her family who are all Mormons and hostile toward my friend. To see his children, he must fly across the country, stay in a hotel, and then combat the animosity toward him his in-laws have instilled in his children. Somehow, he manages, though I know there have been low points. He now has a partner, and that has improved his sense of self immeasurably. He works hard toward keeping a relationship with his children, and some of them have visited him out here. I know there are groups of gay Mormons and ex-Mormons on line; perhaps you should seek them out for advice more specific to your situation.

 

This!

I have also noticed the number of people who have similar behaving partners, male or female and figured there must be a correlation. I suspect you may be right that a controlling person gives us something we crave and that maybe that it's easier to put aside our own needs and authenticity when our partner demands that sacrifice anyway. My therapist has said many times that there is a reason I selected my wife and I need to be cogniscent of those reasons in order to not seek out the same kind of future partner.

 

Hmm, interesting. There could be something to that. I think in my case, my conservative upbringing and ingrained ideas about male/female roles helped to warp my perceptions of what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. But I was also - however subconsciously - pushing away my true self out of fear of being different or "abnormal", and finding a strong domineering man to marry just made that a lot easier to do.

Easier? Yes. Better? Definitely not.

But yeah, it can be easier to stuff yourself away when your partner is sucking all the air out of the room and demands that you cater to him/her all the time. There's no time or space for you in that scenario, so you can conveniently get lost. Unhealthy in the extreme, to be sure, but probably not uncommon for people like ourselves who have felt like we had something to hide or deny our entire lives.

Of course, it's a bad idea, because it's not actually "saving" you from anything...it's only hurting you more. But sometimes it does take us a long time to figure that out.

Interesting thoughts!

 

my situation is a bit different but so much the same, self centred, controlling, manipulative spouse. and the thought that maybe we seek these situations out to help "hide" our sexuality and/or gender(s) is very worthy of further consideration. my case is that i split from her after round 3 of self harm on her part. and after years of abuse my son and i are healthier and happier than we have been in years. i came out to myself about a year and a half ago and him last winter. she calls me selfish, mean, etc. trying to negatively influence my son against me, he lives with me, but he's older (17) so it isnt working like she wants. getting out and making friends when your an introvert is tough, i know, but confidence is attainable i've been told, fake it till you make it.

custody is 50/50 here with one parent having primary residence but at 14 the child can have input on who they want to live with.

rebuilding a life when your later in life is hard too, i know, but at 48, if i can and will, i know you can too.

 

Welcome! You are in good company.

Im sorry about the Mormon thing. That is really tough. I am from the west and most of my friends growing up were Mormon, and the church was pervasive in their lives.

I have not gone through a divorce myself but I am the child of a divorce and I have to say I find the advice to step back from a custody battle to be very strange. Kids need their dads.

Also If the wife's a bitch all the more reason to step forward, right?

 

The advice to step back may seem strange in some ways, yet is also understandable too. I'm in the middle of custody proceedings right now. I think its a perspective that all our lives are fundamentally changing as we wake within ourselves and try to move forward. As good parents, the last thing we want to do is cause unnecessary harm to our children. Sometimes that means stepping back rather than to put them thru any more hell than necessary. I'm a child of divorce as well, and know that thru this their lives already change alot. They don't need to be exposed to the ugliness of a bitter custody battle. Feeling like pawns in a war you never asked for is a truly helpless feeling. All we can do is try to make things as smooth for our kids as possible. I'm fortunate in the fact that my kids are very aware of the issues between their mother and I. They can't be negatively influenced by her very easily.

 

No worries. If you intended these to be separate posts but posted within the 15 minute window for editing a post, I believe the system will automatically combine them into a single post.

 

Welcome to EC. I figured I would chime in and say that I, too, was raised Mormon--in Salt Lake no less. I feel like there are a few more on here but can't think who off the top of my head. Congrats on taking steps to be true to yourself. There are lots of people on the board who are going through or have been through the whole custody thing. I'm sure you'll get lots of good advise on that front. As far as the social anxiety goes I will second Sienna's comment--when I came out mine pretty much evaporated. I remember my Mother commenting that it was like I was "finally really here." And it was pretty much exactly like that. I wish you well on your journey.

One other thing that occurs to me. I assume you know a lot of Mormons. Try not to make too many assumptions about what they think. In my experience Mormons think they know all about gay people... until they actually meet one. And then, when you aren't what they thought, they adapt. My husband and I have attended a lot of very large events where pretty much everyone was Mormon--my parents liked to entertain--and everyone was always really wonderful. Give them a chance.

 

Yep I have noticed the same functionality.

Btw, i am pretty sure one of my posts was moderated because it didn't show up at first just a message saying it's gone to a moderator and then later it appeared.

 

Lending my voice to this choir.

Yours was very much my story. "Good Christian man" who didn't want to be gay, so I chose "not" to be. Married a woman much like the one you described as your wife, in fact "narcissist" is the word that many have come to use to describe her as well. 15 years later and i still can't communicate with her. She seems determined to punish me for not worshiping her with my every thought, word, and deed.

Welcome to EC. Hope you are able to begin to explore your surroundings more and more on this new path you are taking.

 

This thread.

I got called selfish the other day and instead of backpedaling, being defensive, or placating, I quietly smiled inwardly to myself and thought of this thread for a precious moment. Then of course I backpedaled, got defensive and placated. But it is a start.

---------- Post added 8th Dec 2015 at 11:56 AM ----------

SiennaFire - would you recommend this book for women or is it more geared towards men? Many thanks!