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Finding My Way

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by jane anon, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. jane anon

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    Hello, you can call me Jane. (Fake name. Who cares?)
    I'm trying to figure things out....I'll try to write this in a readable way.
    I am 18, and was born a man. For a long time (a few years?), I've felt very strongly that I would be happier and more comfortable with myself if I were a woman.
    • I read a lot, and can relate far more to a female protagonist than a male. I notice that I'm drawn more to emotional and romantic (read "girly") books.
      When I play RPG's, I create female characters, and wear armors that actually cover them realistically.
      I see cute dresses and wish I could wear them and fill them out, without looking like a fool.
      I long to look cute/beautiful/what-have-you.
      I often get jealous when I see attractive women, wishing I could look like them.
      In all of my masturbatory fantasies, I see myself as a woman. I can't think of a time where I ever pictured myself as a man.
    And things like that.

    I came out to my girlfriend today. She was very accepting of it, and said that she actually suspected it.
    Then she offered to put makeup on me. I'd always wanted to try wearing makeup, but had never had the chance, before. I accepted her offer, and we spent the next 30 minutes doing my makeup. I loved every second of it. And I liked how I looked.
    I think that I am transgender, mtf.
    But I don't know what to do about it. I live with family, am in my senior year of highschool, and am off to college after that. And I don't come from money, so not much funds to throw into this, either. I also have no intentions of coming out to family. And, I live in Arkansas, full of conservative Bible-throwers.
    But these aren't the only things in my way.
    I love singing and playing music, and I think I'm decent at it, and my dream is to be a musician. But it seems like it would be tough to be a successful singer if I look like a woman and sound like a man (though maybe I could cross-cross-dress?). I'm worried, too, that it would ruin my singing voice (hormones, or if I ever had a surgery to feminize my voice, or is that even necessary?)
    I also am very nervous about talking to doctors/psychiatrists/therapists/etc., and don't have the means to pay for it, anyway.
    But I am extremely afraid that in the next few years, I'll become more masculine looking and it would become harder to transition.

    All of that said, I don't want to rush into anything that could have regretful and permanent results.

    I am trying to get a job and move out with my girlfriend in the near future. If that matters.

    So...any advice? Am I just being dumb about this whole mess?


    And I'm sorry if I came off as rude, or if this was hard to read. Not intended. I just had to get this out there....
     
    #1 jane anon, Feb 8, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  2. Tardis221B

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    Hi Jane, and Welcome to EC!

    And no worries, this didn't come across as rude or hard to read at all.

    I'm glad to hear that you're girlfriend is accepting of you, having someone in your life who is supportive of you and your gender is extremely important.

    It sounds like you already know who you are, but figuring out gender identity can take some time, so if it makes you feel more comfortable to take things at a slower pace don't feel ashamed for doing so.

    As for access to support, you could try talking with a school counselor if you think they would be supportive, but if not try looking into your local LGBT+ center for your town and try contacting them. Even though doing so might be terrifying, it will be worth it. Also reading other posts on EC, reading other blogs, or watching vlogs by MtF's could give you a better sense of what might be in your future or help you find others who you can relate to. Knowing your not alone in this can be very helpful.

    And for now, little steps and small things could be a good way to begin to feel more secure in your identity. Perhaps change the background on your phone, grow out your nails a little bit and paint them with clear polish, maybe even try wearing a little bit of foundation out in public. Little things can make a big difference. I know when I bought my male wallet it was probably the best days of my winter break, and every time I use it, even if its still carried in a purse, it makes me so incredibly happy and it serves as a reminder of who I am.

    And you have your girlfriend who is supportive of you. Hold onto that, because having people like her in your life will make things so much more bearable.

    Best of luck on finding your way (*hug*)
     
    #2 Tardis221B, Feb 8, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  3. jane anon

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    Thanks, Tardis.
    Sadly, school counselor is out. Not a good counselor.
    And there is nothing like an LGBT+ center around here. Town of 20,000 in Arkansas. :frowning2:
    And funny enough, I've never liked painted nails. They've always looked strange to me.
    I think I am going to try wearing a tiny bit of makeup, though. I really liked it. It just felt right. It'll need to be after I move out, though.
    I like the phone idea. Switched it now.
     
    #3 jane anon, Feb 8, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  4. Tardis221B

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    I'm sorry that's really rough, I'm from the pacific northwest, so its quite different, but right now I'm abroad and don't have access to resources (well at least in english), and somedays it can be really rough. But I find that posting on here helps a lot.

    Also maybe if you have any social media sites with pictures of your face, you could change it to something that doesn't have you in it. I just changed my FB to the Eiffel tower. (wonderful suggestion by PolkaDots)

    And maybe if you wanted to order some books without your parents noticing you could buy an amazon gift card at Safeway or something, create a separate account online, and have them sent to your girlfriends house.

    It can be really isolating being trans so reaching out even on places like EC, other trans forums online, reading other's stories, or watching vlogs is important and can help a lot. Often people who vlog will even respond to questions if you leave a comment on youtube.

    Hang in there, and don't feel ashamed to ask EC or your girlfriend for support. (*hug*)
     
  5. jane anon

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    I actually just get books from the library, and my grandmother doesn't care what I read. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


    So...any advice on finances in the future? If I go through with all of this...well, it's not cheap. Also, I have read about lots of people who transitioned through college. Any thoughts on this? It relates back to finances, but I also mean as far as stress goes.
    I have a good ACT score (26 composite), and qualify for several scholarships/grants/etc. to help pay for college, but working part time and going to college and transitioning seems like it would still be too costly and maybe too stressful, though I will have a roommate (my girlfriend) to help pay rent and utilities and whatnot.

    And how long should I think about this? I mean, I've wanted to be a woman for so long, but I am afraid that I will regret it all. I think spending lots of time crossdressing and things like that might help me prepare for it, help me decide. I know that nobody can give me an exact answer, but maybe some ideas/tips/examples from their experience.

    And one more thing...I would like some honest opinions about my face. I have a picture, and would like it very much if somebody could tell me their opinions on how they thought my face would look after HRT. I've tried looking at other's pictures, to get a possible idea, but that's not helping me any. I'd rather not post it in the open, on the super-low-near-impossible chance that an acquaintance of mine frequents this forum. So just volunteer and I can PM it. You see, I am afraid of being a strange looking man in women's clothing. Makeup tips are also appreciated.

    Ugh...feel like I'm asking too many things at once. Asking them anyway.
     
  6. jay777

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    Gender:
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    Some of the questions have been asked by others, so a link to threads may be helpful.
    You could have a look at this:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/167401-ftm-help-am-i-trans.html#5

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/151212-makeup-tips.html#4

    Concerning voice, mtf people train their voice to speak in a higher register.
    Never overstrain your voice, and don't go too high in the beginning.
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/167981-transvoices-how-do-i-sound-3.html#47

    Concerning looks, you might ask for others opinions here:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/133045-do-i-pass-thread-89.html
    You might link to a photo in your gallery, where you can adjust the settings for who can access the photo.

    if you want to talk to someone in person, you could call here:
    GLBT National Help Center
    Trans Lifeline - (877) 565-8860 - Transgender Hotline
    there are people there who might give you hints, and support...

    and you might ask for counseling with your next lgbt center... or for support groups...
    you might ask via phone or email, if you don't want to go there...

    hugs
     
    #6 jay777, Feb 8, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  7. jane anon

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    Thank you, Jay. Good links. Sadly, not much in the way of support groups where I live.
     
  8. Lazuri

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    As for the voice, hormones will in almost ever case not affect your voice at all as a MtF trans*. What you can do is train your voice to sound more feminine and if you do this, you can still acces your old male voice, though it won't come as natural. People who have trained their voice generally can learn to sing with their feminine voice but higher notes might become tough. They often make for great alto singers, though. If you're a talented singer it might also be easier training hour voice because you have experience manipulating your voice.

    I don't recommend voice surgery as you never know what you end up with. It's a fucking lottery.
     
  9. jane anon

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    @Lazuri I don't plan on any vocal surgery, because, yeah, box of chocolates and such. (You never know what you're gonna get.) I'd be too afraid of losing my singing.
    And I don't even care about my voice passing when I sing. I'll gladly out myself to keep singing. Can't lose that.

    ---------- Post added 9th Feb 2015 at 04:32 PM ----------

    Question: I know puberty continues to up to about 26, so how much might my face change due to puberty between now and 22-33? I'm afraid of my face getting more masculine....
     
  10. Lazuri

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    Then go nuts. Worked for last year's Eurovision song contest winner.
     
  11. anann

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    Once you're in college remember that most places have their own free/low cost health clinics for students and you might be able to get help there.

    Good luck and I wish you all the best
     
  12. WillowRose

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    Don't know what or how many your college options are, but if you can, try to find out how much and what kind of support for trans folk each place can provide. Also investigate what kind of health services will be available when you get there. There may be more help available than you might think - depending on where you go.
     
  13. Polka Dots

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    Hi, Jane! Pleasure to read your thread.

    I live in a small town in the Midwest, too, so I understand how difficult it can be to find local LGBT centers. You've made a commendable leap by joining EC, though --- it's a wonderful resource with a lot of cool people who can empathize with how you're feeling.

    I can't help you with financing but was wondering if you have already decided on the college you'll be attending? If not, you could consider attending a school in a more liberal area so you'd have more access to support groups. In my deepest reveries I'm able to move but I feel guilty uprooting my son.

    Also, I saw you don't like the look of painted nails but have you considered getting a manicure (without polish)? It can make your skin very soft and who knows? Maybe it'll make your heart happy, too! Baby steps, baby steps. :wink:

    Please know my wall is always open --- don't be a stranger.
     
  14. jane anon

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    @WillowRose Sadly, I'm stuck with a local community college for my basics, then Arkansas State University to finish a 4-year degree.
    @Polka Dots I'd love to, but, like I told WillowRose. :frowning2: ASU does have a Gay/Straight Alliance that I might go to (you needn't be a student to attend), but I don't know how that'll be.
    I hadn't thought of a manicure...that actually sounds kinda nice.

    I have started dressing a bit more femininely. More specifically, I have been wearing a cute scarf that I have that I think helps to make me look less masculine, along with a pig-tail hat. It makes me feel nice.
    And I'm about to shave my body. My body hair is bugging me, so I'm gonna try it.
     
  15. jane anon

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    Am now super smooth feeling...and covered in shaving cuts. :/
    But I feel good. :slight_smile:
     
  16. clockworkfox

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    I don't have much in the way of advice. But.

    Are you familiar with a band called Steam Powered Giraffe? They dress up as antique robots and perform musical acts in character. I only bring them up because one of their members is a transwoman. She still sings and everything, and they modified her robot character to be female as well, so she doesn't hide her identity at all while involving herself in her musical career.

    [​IMG]

    Whether or not their music is something you like, I thought I should point her out, because she's an out transwoman in the music industry. Yes, they do exist. :slight_smile:
     
  17. jane anon

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    Anon and the Girl with the Kazoo might just be a thing, then.
     
  18. MeganMarie

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    Jane,

    You are not alone this site and others have many who feel how you do.
    I am much older than you i can relate to much of what you stated.

    from age 10 or so I enjoyed wearing womens attire.But lived in denial for many years, it was not until much later that I purchased a wig and makeup then finally admitted to myself and my wife my desire to express myself as a female at times.

    There are ways around family and friends depending on how far you want to express yourself, if you want to eventually transition there is no way around it. Now if you want to present on occasions, regardless of the location it can be done.

    I personally have done presentations on cross-dressing to a few universities here in Georgia and have found your generation is much more accepting than mine. I am so encouraged about our society and people will just let others live their lives of how they seem it fits them.

    Hugs and best of luck to you,
     
  19. jane anon

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    Thanks. I am really glad that, if I had to be like this, at least I was born in this age. My generation is relatively tolerant.
     
  20. jane anon

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    Well, I guess I have some updates.

    1.) I went against my earlier plans and came out to my grandma.
    She accepted me with no problem. She is very open to this. Even got me some training bra-type things, and offered to let me use her hair extensions. I was amazed. She's made me an appointment with our doctor this coming Monday, to ask him about therapists in our area. She has decided to help me through all of this. I never thought that I would be this lucky....I'm so glad I told her.
    And the bras (stuff a little) make me feel a bit better, while I wear them.

    2.) I looked up Steam Powered Giraffe, and I've gotta say, I'm loving them! They're strange, in an awesome way. Funny, interesting, and great sounding music. Isabella Bennett gives me a bit of hope of still being a musician.


    I almost feel bad for being so well received, so far. I know lots of people aren't so lucky.