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Finding love later in life???

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by rtoddhix, Jul 8, 2020.

  1. rtoddhix

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    I have been a loner, and introvert all my life. I am not as shy and quiet as I was in the past. Coming to accept myself and progressively coming out of the closet at 56 as a gay man over time has progressed but I am still shy sexually and I don't know if that will ever change. I am just not a very forward person who takes the first step. But I have tried dating sites out there but there are so many scammers and person looking to hook up. I just don't want to hook up I want to find that special man in my life. In fact I am afraid to meet men online, its just too dangerous. I am wondering if I will ever be able to even put myself out there? I live in a very small town in south Arkansas 100 miles from any big city. I am a Christian as well? I pray that I will find someone later in life to share my life with. With the COVID going on my hope is dim. I want to believe I will find someone to fall in head over heels in love with...I just don't want to give up!
     
  2. Confused54

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    Don't give up. Sometimes the love of your life appears seemingly out of nowhere through some chance serendipitous encounter. But you have to put yourself out there, in places where those encounters can happen.

    I met up with someone through ######, I messed around with an older man who advertised on Craigslist (before personals were banned). I'm still friends with these men, but neither became my boyfriend and future husband.

    Small towns are challenging to find other men who love men. Look for groups of people who share interests with you (not the sexual kind, just things like gardening, playing cards, dancing, or pretty much anything) and get involved. Over time, but certainly not immediately, "Mr. Right" may appear on the scene and you'll find a connection.
     
  3. Panini

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    Hey, I may not be as grown and wise as you, but as someone who also feels that I’ll never find someone, it’s important not to give up! There are plenty of ways to meet LGBT people in real life, one of them being meetup.com
    It’s not a dating site, but rather one in which you can organize or attend events based on the interests you put down. You could put terms such as ‘LGBT’ or ‘Bisexual’ to find events near you where you could meet others you can relate to. Or like Confused54 said, the special man of your life could appear out of nowhere. Another thing I’d like to note, if you look for love, you’ll never find it. The purest and deepest form of love will come when you least expect it. But for now, you could try making new friends off meetup.com to find people you can better relate to. :slight_smile:
     
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  4. don72tx

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    That is so well said, Panini, about meeting the one without looking for the one. I also never thought of looking on meetup....thank you.
     
  5. bingostring

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    The big message is ... Don’t. Give. Up!!
    Even though rural life can make things more difficult ... hook up apps are also unappealing for a lot of people.

    The middle ground must be widening your social circles, joining activity groups to bring new people in to your life.
    And some gay social groups - if you can find one in your area - would make a huge difference.
    Easier said than done. But just interacting with more people has to be uplifting, good for the spirit and for improving mental health.
    “Activity groups” could be: a walking group, learnIng a language in a language class, art class, drama group, taking up a sport, a hobby, a cycling group, volunteering for a local charity etc etc
     
  6. NotTooLoud

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    You might try, not the apps, but the web sites for matches. Just say man seeking man.
     
  7. Choirboy

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    Sometime the very process of looking for love or a partner is what limits us in the first place. Think about all the things that define who you are BESIDES the fact that you are gay. So you like music? Art? Horses? Your faith? Rather than looking through a bunch of apps or sites to find a gay man who fits many of the characteristics, join a group--online or in "real life" - where you can explore things you are already comfortable with, and let it be known that you are gay, and then be patient and see what happens. If you join a gay singing group you WILL meet gay men, yes. But it may be a very small sliver of who is out there, particularly if going and partying with them seems uncomfortable. But if you join a choir and people know you're gay, you might meet a lot of people who KNOW someone gay and lonely, much like yourself. It never hurts to look among people in general, rather than just gay people. I've been amazed at the number of people who have gay siblings, cousins etc. and I never knew it.

    A lot of the gay community seems to be geared more in the direction of extroverts and social situations and gatherings. Those of us who don't lean in that direction need to learn different strategies to meet people. When I started coming out 7 or so years ago, I decided this was, more than anything else, the opportunity to figure out what I was interested in and good at, particularly after 20 years with a woman who pretty much called the shots. I have never been on an app or been to a gay bar, and my one visit to a Pride festival 6 years ago was interesting but really more people in one place than I could deal with, and I haven't gone to one since. I also considered the possibility of meeting someone, but my marriage was a challenge and I had a pretty definite list of what qualities the right guy would have to have for me to even consider a date, much less a commitment. You see, rather than looking for the perfect guy for me, I wanted to be the best ME possible, so that finding someone, or not, was really not a problem. If you are satisfied with who you are, being unattached can actually be a very happy thing.

    That being said, if you are comfortable with yourself and who you are--even if it might not fit with a lot of the rest of the gay community, because there ARE some unspoken "rules of behavior" that we don't all fit nicely into--the right people WILL notice. I joined EC in July of 2013 looking for support, came out to my wife that Labor Day intending to stay with her until our youngest finished high school in 2019, with only the intention of being "gay at home" till then, at which point I would live my life as I chose. In January 2014 I started chatting with someone here, met him in person two months later, and my whole timeline was immediately shot to hell. We've been together ever since, my ex and our children love him, largely because we are similar people and both very honest about who we are and how we feel. Don't desperately look for love or a partner. Look to be loveable and approachable and interested and real. If my guy were to be hit by a bus tomorrow and I would find myself alone again, I'd be satisfied with the company. If you're down on yourself, you will only be appealing to someone who needs a "project". Best of luck to you!
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Hey maybe have a look if there are any LGBT groups near you or near enough that you could go occasionally. They may not be on at the moment with covid but ready for when they do. That way you can meet people in person with no pressure for anything.
     
  9. Sundara

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    Hi rtoddhix,
    Don't give up, always try to find someone to love. Even though I don't believe gay love but you need to try it, who knows you find it in your future.
     
  10. Sundara

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    Good luck for you!
    Don't be afraid to face the world. Try and try always and one day I am sure you will find it.
    I am happy for you that you believe to a love. While I did it many years ago but now I am not because I am married to a woman then I late to realize that I am gay. I'm love my wife but not with passion.
    I just have a dream like you to have a love with passion with a good guy, but only in my dreams.
    You are single so come on you can do it!

    Greetings from Indonesia.
    Sundara
     
  11. rtoddhix

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    I can well relate to what you have said I have been married to women and divorced. I have also been in love with a man before so I know that if it happens again I will be more passionate with a man than a woman. if the covid ever goes away which I don't know it will, I will be thankful and make the most of the time. I am older as in 56 I just hope I find love again. I could never love a woman like I love a man. played that ticket and it just doesn't work for me. I hope you are doing okay with it? Blessings and thank you all for posting.
     
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  12. Tightrope

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    All good comments, choirboy, but the middle paragraph is especially good.

    To the OP and others with similar situations, need it be head over heels love? How about a BF or BFF (young people term) that rounds out your life? My friends have been my biggest allies and supporters throughout my life because it was never available at home, where nothing was ever good enough. I prefer steadfast friends to flash in the pan romance, even though the latter could turn into something. Even though I don't expect it to. If people feel lonely, a group of friends, starting with a few and expanding on that, is another very good option. You also don't know where it could lead!
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    Having just read through this post, I would add there is one very important element required to finding a life partner. Before we are able to be in a postíon to successfully share our lives with others, it is important that we first learn to live our lives with ourselves. Being shy or not is a personality characteristic. Having self respect, self esteem and confidence is an emotional characteristic. We need to first be comfortable with ourselves before we can be comfortable with others. And when others see we are comfortable with ourslelves we exude confidence. Again, such confidence would shine through regardless of our personality characteristic, which in your case is being shy.

    People are attracted to other people that are confident in themselves while at the same time being humble and attentive to others. Consider if you have the personal confidence in the first place before trying to progress to find a relationship. And if confidence is an issue, work through on your journey to build self respect, self worth, self esteem, confidence and a love for who you are as a person.
     
    #13 OnTheHighway, Jul 23, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2020
  14. quadratic

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    I'd like to endorse OnTheHighway's wise words. Paradoxically, being "in need", as it were, of a relationship is the worst state in which to find one. And confidence is not about being an exuberant extrovert, the life of every party, and so on, but being confident in yourself: who you are. It took me years (and therapy), first time round, to find that confidence in myself. Other people seem to do it more naturally, but everybody's path is different. When you're fully comfortable with yourself you'll be attractive to others. You don't have to be rich, beautiful, clever, or any of the types that are sprayed across the front of glossy magazines: just accepting of yourself. But I'm just repeating what OnTheHighway has already said, and said better.
     
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  15. OnTheHighway

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    Quadratic, this one point causes many people to believe their emotions are different or worse than many others. I think the reality is many people, probably the vast majority, of those that people perceive to have high levels of confidence in fact to not. The confidence others reflect are nothing more than a projection as they hide their own insecurities and low self esteem.

    I personally certainly got trapped in this misperception, and I was equally guilty of projecting superficial confidence just the same before I developed true self respect and self worth.
     
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  16. 1cgd

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    Just gotta be at the right place at right time. My fiancé and I met at a party through mutual friends. We were both a few years in each side of 50 at the time. Early next year, he will be my husband. Just keep socializing. You’ll find the right guy!
     
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  17. quadratic

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    This is so very true, and I sort of half-realized it myself as I typed the word "naturally" which, in retrospect, means nothing. But, as I think we all agree, every person's journey to self-acceptance is different, and we all need a bit of help on the way. How we find and make use of that help is, of course, up to each of us as an individual.

    But we can also make our own realities, or increase our chances of being in the right place at the right time, by recognizing what those right places are. One of the great problems besetting many of us - certainly me - is a wrong-mindedness that repeating the same thing will lead to different results. Once we know ourselves better, we can reach out more: visit people and be involved in social gatherings that we might beforehand have avoided. People on these forums have talked about going to gay dinner parties, and recommended being involved in gay social events - not to find Mr Right, but simply to expand our horizons.

    Of course, this year is a write-off, what with the pandemic, social distancing, and lockdowns. I'm in the state of Victoria, Australia, currently the hardest hit in the country; we are back in lockdown with masks mandatory outside the house. Hardly a conducive environment to expanding our social life!
     
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  18. out2019

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    I was a 'loner' because I was in denial about being gay or hating that part of myself - so it's not a wonder that I didn't want to socialize. I have fear of getting into the gay scene , but its more a fear of being 'found out' when I think about the potential - even just to hold hands with a guy I like, I feel I have the energy to get past it.