Finally accepting something I may have known for years

So I guess since I was about 12 I have known deep down I wasn’t the same as other guys. I found myself talking to other guys online which excited me. I buried these thoughts and emotions deep down and rarely engaged with them. I guess I do get some satisfaction from encounters with women but the fact my body tingles and excites in a more intense way from imagining, participating and watching gay encounters is something I try to but cannot ignore, now age 26.

I have confided in and told a girl I consider a very close friend, although we do not see each other or speak regularly, I trust absolutely. She was very supporting and that helped a great deal. I can’t really imagine telling other people or ever coming out.

I have had encounters with guys but only when drunk, when I have courage. When sober I’m scared to engage in anything really. I cannot ever imagine being romantically involved with a man this point, don’t think I ever will.

I guess even accepting to myself that this is my situation has been a decade long struggle.

Not sure what advice or responses I am expecting, just feels like and impossible situation I desperately do not want to be in. I feel abnormal even though I know these things are relatively normal.

However telling this girl my feelings felt amazing, to tell somebody and have them barely even bat an eye lid was such a nice feeling.

I feel trapped but I just had to write this and express myself.

 

Hey everyone and thanks for your responses. I can't believe it's been 2 months since I wrote this.

@silverhalo If you had asked me a year ago I would have said I would go to the grave having not told a soul. I guess next I want to explore this same sex attraction that has been ignored most of my life. I'm really worried about anyone finding out although my lack of interest in girls is probably evident to people.

I had put these thoughts to the side over these months as had other things going on. However having reconnected with an old friend, I came out to her as well, albeit through online chat rather than face to face. It's funny at first I tried to frame myself as maybe bisexual then I just admitted I was probably lying and probably gay although confused. She was super supportive as well and was happy for me for being honest with myself.
We talking about that I have had experiences with guys etc.. She asking me whats my type and to my surprise I found myself describing a clean shaven white guy with toned abs, something i've long fantasised about. I admitted it felt so right to be talking like that, and I just wanted to keep saying 'Im gay', and we spoke about how good it felt to let it out so yeah was a good experience and I felt so liberated again.

This was a more detailed conversation than to the previous person I told and I found myself saying and admitting things again I never thought I would. It's like the more I spoke to more free and good I felt about myself, and saying it to somebody helped me come to terms with my own feelings. There was some regret like "OMG what did I say" but generally happy about it. Don't think I'll be telling anybody else any time soon just need to let this sink in for a while. I think I'm coming closer to accepting myself and the fact I am probably gay. Deep down I know I am gay, but I just need to hang onto the 'probably' for some reason.

It's amazing it has taken me this long to realise it when I look back and consider that, excluding porn, basically all of my sexual fantasies involve guys, gay saunas, fantasising about gay experiences I've had etc.

Anyway just felt like sharing and saying I am gay, and accept guys are hot, and even spoke somebody about how hot some guys are, its crazy!!!

If anyone has anything to add i'll look forward to your responses.