Feeling unaccepted in the lesbian world

Someone suggested group meet up site and weird enough I found a lesbian group near me which made my day, but when I applied to join the group after telling them my story outlines they declined my request. I don't know if it's my age or my status but it was disappointing to be rejected by the people you were looking for all your live!

 

I think that just like every other demographic group in society, the LGBTQ (etc.) community has it's rules and prejudices. There is clearly a pressure to be out and vocal as well as to have the 'politically correct" views on gay issues. Nevertheless, I believe that the community is actually diverse in so many ways, if people felt free to say what may not be popular. In terms of fitting in, as I already posted here, I feel my choice to basically be celibate now is, while I would say "frowned upon", I would say reacted to as if I'm really weird. The guys I meet at the LGBT center talk about being like kids in a candy shop, once they're "free" of their wives they can relieve their adolescence. I think that's great for them. The fact that I don't feel this way at all makes me the outsider. Since I've always felt like an outsider,m I wish I didn't also have to be an outsider in a gay group. I'm continuing to try on this but it really isn't easy.

I participate in a Gay Married Men's Group (the requirement for membership is that one must be now or in the past in a "mixed orientation" marriage). One of the facilitators is a bit of a happy freak; he seems to believe that coming out of the closet at this point in life and breaking up one's family and living alone is total liberation and fun, a bed of roses. He really doesn't like it at all when I share my experience of being alone or lonely or missing my old life. At the last meeting, he interrupted me and said, "well maybe you should go out and have lots of sex."

 

I'm also in this age range with 3 wonderful kids and 2 pretty awful straight marriages behind me.

I encountered similar things in my early 20s with in person groups so I don't think it's just about age or experience. I mean I was like 21 and tried to identify as bi with a LGBT group and felt pretty lost. Granted-- these folks were all artists and activists and if they were bi it was this over the top kind of thing--- so there was no room for someone like me who was honestly curious and of course a bit shy. I guess being tentative and kind of hoping for warm fuzzy stuff and acceptance ended badly and I felt it was easier to just be straight and then a few years later to get married.

Funny thing is, later in life, I'm still in contact with some of these people from that group and they've aged and mellowed (don't remember me ever being there of course) and I don't feel comfortable yet with coming out to them but these are some of the most honest and true to themselves people I know.

I am scared of trying an in person group because of my experiences 20 years ago- but probably if I don't go in there expecting miracles then maybe it will be ok. I'm pretty ok with myself and I don't really think there is much that can phase me now after what I've lived through in my straight marriages.

Was also going to try match for dating as there are hundreds of women in my area on there. But then scared of ending up in meaningless hook ups or attracting predatory people (like I experienced in the straight world of online dating).

I'm thinking one on one dates and avoiding big groups of just lesbians at first is probably the best for me. I like the idea of mixed groups.

For now, I'm just trying to figure it out and this thread has been helpful to get me focused on possible pitfalls as I re-orient myself. :icon_wink

 

I am a bi girl who has been treated with disdain by lesbians when I tried to come out in the past. It scared me back into the closet. I am in the same boat as you. I want to be with a woman but i feel like no one will take me seriously. I find that gay men are much more accepting. And trans individuals too, male or female. I think that lesbians who would accept us are probably not going to be hanging out with a group of judgmental critical lesbians because they would not enjoy that kind of atmosphere at all either. Negative people cling together and tend to oust the more pleasant people until there are none left.

 

You're definitely not alone... After 8 years of marriage I came out as lesbian and I met many people, gay and straight that told me I was definitely bisexual, NOT lesbian. Like you, I'm great friends with my ex husband and had a hard time meeting other gay women. It sucks feeling like you can't be taken seriously in the gay community, and I feel a bit embarrassed for people who behave that way. I have however, found some great friends, both gay and straight that are totally accepting and understanding of my situation. I think the trick is to surround yourself with people who are capable of being understanding and accepting. There are so many reasons why gay people lead straight lives and there's no need for judgement. Afterall, the gay community is already harshly judged by some, I find it odd that members of said community have the audacity to do the same. Or maybe there are members of the gay community who are fed up with the experimental or temporary gays. Who knows? Once I made some friends who were open minded and accepting, things definitely went better and they were able to introduce me to other like minded people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't stop trying to make connections with people

 

I am so glad I found this group, I'm a later in life coming out too, though I always had on of relationships with women when I left my husband I fell deeply in love with a woman and she me so I thought I came out to everyone we were accepted as a couple family friends ect then just recently she proclaimed she was just not gay enough and the spark was gone and left me now I am devastated ,and have no idea how to go into the gay community I'm out and am in fact a lesbian but I don't know where to start