I feel really terrible because I really want to be read as male but at the same time I feel guilty for wanting that, and like I shouldn't want it and that it's a phase and ugggh. I hate seeing boys on the street and I think about how much I would like a body like theirs but I don't know where to go from here. I'm only really on this website because I feel I can't talk to my parents about this yet. I also feel guilt for constantly posting on here about my gender issues but it's really the only place I can turn. I feel like if I told my parents I was on this website asking for advice they'd get worried and believe this site is making me identify this way, i'm constanly paranoid that I feel male because I really found out what being trans was on tumblr. When I saw trans people in a sympathetic light for the first time and not as some distant concept I related to certain things, it started as me thinking I may be bigender, then ftm, then agender, now it's back to ftm again?? Dysphoria is bad, but i'm scared that i'm subcousiously pretending for attention, despite not telling anyone irl. I'm absolutely terrifyed of the idea of transitioning, but i'm so attracted to living as a man, but I feel I should wait longer since iv'e only been seriously questioning for six months. I don't think I really trust my parents with this gender confusion. They are very loving but don't know much about these issues, they are very believing that transition is 'all or nothing' and that trans people are born in the 'wrong body' and just suffer until transition. Sorry for ranting, really. This isn't the most well thought out post. I'm just very depressed and scared.
1. You don't have the obligation to tell anyone unless you want to. Parents included. 2. Even if it was a phase, you have the right to it. 3. You don't have to transition, no matter how you end up identifying. 4. Negative thoughts are much worse when you feed them. For example: "They don't like me". How you can react: a) "Yeah, I must be an awful, ugly and awkward person. What the heck am I thinking? I'm guilty of it, I shouldn't XYZ" and really become awkward, because your mood gets worse b) "So what? Other people like me, I had great fun with my friends from conventions last month". 5. I find this quite helpful too: The Gender Playbook: A Guide to Figuring Our Your Non-Binary Identity
Try and segregate your reaction to transitioning and what other people think. In a perfect world, how would you see yourself as an older person? What sounds / looks / feels right to you? And the ultimate question I asked myself; is there anything I like about "being" female (or perceived as female)?
No worries. There's no right or wrong way to look at it as an individual. Talking it through helps but you are the only person that knows exactly who you are. Your capabilities are a different thing though, strength can surprise us all. Do some soul searching, really relax into your mind and feelings. That's what I did, I stopped judging myself and forgot the shame for a bit. I focussed on who I've been, who I am and who I want to be.
