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Feeling lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Lostlady, Sep 1, 2020.

  1. Lostlady

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    Hello! I am new here. I’m feeling lost and alone. When I was a young teenager (13-18), I was proudly out as bisexual. I had girlfriends. I was president of the gay straight alliance. Then I moved away and entered college. I met a man, got married, had babies, life goes on.
    However, as life went on, I found my sled back in the closet. We moved to a place where I initially knew nobody. Sexuality became completely irrelevant as I navigated being a wife in a hetero relationship with children. There was never a reason to mention it. I am now 33 years old, so it’s been literally half of my life time since I’ve become re-closeted.
    Recently I came out to two of my friends who are lesbian. It felt safe and it felt good but it left me longing for more. However, one friend lives far away. The other lived close but she moved. Each time I told someone I felt relief.
    I’m not sure why I have this nagging sense to become more involved with my sexuality. It’s not like I can change partners or anything, but I just feel like a piece of me has been hidden for so long now that it’s making life so difficult. I feel like if I go down a journey of coming out again, nobody will understand why I’m doing it and everyone will assume I’m set to leave my husband which I am not.
    I don’t know what I hope to gain but I figured this is as good a place as any to just write down my thoughts.
     
  2. quebec

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    Lostlady.....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! We're glad that you have found us. Check out all of the forums here and then jump right in!!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    Hello and welcome to EC. This is a good place to talk things out so you don't find yourself on an infinite loop with your thoughts and feelings. It's important to have an outlet for everything, even if it doesn't bring forth immediate answers.

    Can you clarify if your husband knows you are bisexual? What you wrote above kind of suggests that you retreated into the closet after you both met, got married and started a family (as life went on). I may have it wrong, but it sounds like you moved and then just put on the appearance to everyone else of the straight wife with a husband and kids.

    If your husband knows about your past and married you in full knowledge that you are bisexual and previously had girlfriends, could you sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling? Feeling disconnected from who you are is clearly having an impact on you and even though it may feel like low level stress right now, it could become more untenable, over time. That's not going to be in anyone's best interests.

    Is any of this possible?
     
    Drizzle, Nic2552, Songful and 2 others like this.
  4. Lostlady

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    Hi! Thank you for the response.

    Yes, my husband did know about my bisexuality before we married. In fact, he asked me before we married if I’d be okay not being with women again. I said yes.

    To be honest, I don’t think he would take it great if I brought it up with him. I casually mention my two lesbian friends from time to time but outside of that I have a really hard time bringing it up. I feel like he’d see it as a betrayal of sorts.

    In a way I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my sexuality. It’s like loving both vanilla and chocolate ice cream but only getting chocolate for the rest of your life. It’s great and you love the chocolate but it’s sad to miss out on the vanilla.
     
  5. Songful

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    I’m bisexual and I’ve used a similar analogy before when discussing this topic with someone. I just want you to know that you’re not alone and I understand what you’re saying.
     
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  6. olderwiser

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    I like your analogy about the ice cream, agree with you whole heartily. I do wish I had figured out my sexuality, bisexual, so much sooner than I did, it would have make things so much easier. I am not going to look back just move forward to new adventures in the future. Now that you know who you are Lostlady, move forward and live...