It’s been about 4 weeks since I dropped the bombshell on my wife The first week was torture for both of us but by the second week we’d began to really talk about how we’re going to move forward and if we can figure out if a MOM would work. We found a counsellor and have seen her twice. We also joined a few online, support groups, both together and separately (HOW for me, SSN & AP for her and HUGS for both). We’ve also had a lot of conversations about the future, all of them emotionally draining. At first it seemed that we were both exploring all avenues and doing a lot of reading about others journeys to give us a starting point. My wife however has started to see ‘agendas’ in every story that involves any kind of open relationship, whether they’re CLR or not. She has it in her mind that any kind of in person meeting with other couples is just a way for the guys to hook up - what I’m hearing is that she doesn’t trust me not to jump into bed with any man I encounter, even though I’ve never cheated on her. At our therapy sessions I feel that the therapist is empathetic to my wife more than me and when I’m asked a question that doesn’t line up with what my wife has said it seems that I have to defend myself to both - we have another appointment set for a few weeks away, I’m considering not going and trying to find my own counsellor. One of the many issues we’re not fully in agreement on is when to tell our boys (20, 15 &9). My wife has told me not to tell the older 2 until the middle one has graduated HS - I’ve reluctantly agreed to this but I feel that I’m now living a lie with them. The counsellors response - “ What do they gain from knowing?” - apparently the “truth” isn’t the correct answer. The biggest thing right now is that my wife has only one scenario in which our marriage can continue - monogamy. This caught me a little by surprise given the signals that she was giving out about open relationships and CLRs. It’s not the request itself that’s causing me the issue, it’s the way it was ‘decided’ for us, we were supposed to work together and talk everything through. This just sounds like an ultimatum, maybe it is, I don’t really know. All I feel right now is that I’m being railroaded back into the closet. Hell, I’m barely even ‘out’! I’m not to tell anyone (I already told my closest friend, without his support I might have acted out on my darkest impulses), I can’t meet anyone who might know someone, who might know someone else just in case one of our friends & neighbors ever finds out. I can’t tell my kids, what’s worse is she keeps,telling me she has to protect them. It’s like I’m now an abusive dad and that is extremely hurtful. I can’t even think about ever, ever having a physical experience with a man. All of this is running around and around in my head every minute of the day and night, I don’t sleep, I hate myself, I’m a coward for not dealing with this in the right way, I feel that I’m almost done. I can’t see an out - except one and that becomes more appealing every, damn, day.
So sorry your having such a difficult time of it. I know when i told the wonan i was living with i was having feels for a man at first she seamed ok and we talked and she was even willing to let me actually be with a man. To see if that's what i wanted, but after i had been and told her that i felt i was Gay. Her reaction was quite different, going from blaming me for deceiving her. To it was her falt, i got anger, pleading to even a attempt deal making. & it was very hard cuz you don't want to hurt. But there is no way to totally avoid it. You said your going to a therapist, but your not real comfortable. Maybe a LBGT therapist just for yourself would help. That's what i ended up doing, they were a hugh help in help me to end the relationship with her and move out to a place of my own. I said it's been about 4 weeks. She may just need more time to accept it. Remember up to the time you told her, she most likely felt. She was and always would be the only one you had feelings for. Now she's having to accept she may NOT be. My case was different there were no children involved. & i'm willing to bet THEY KNOW or at least know something is up. So i would think tell them would be best for them, cuz their going to have to accept it too. But For today i'd think just a suring your children that you'll always love them and be there for them , no matter what happens between you and your wife is good. Either way Jn you KNOW YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE HERE to talk to. Hang in
I'm sorry about the difficult situation you find yourself in, @Jn6709. I suspect that your wife is feeling humiliated by the revelation and is worried about what her friends/acquaintances are going to think about her so is panicking and trying to shut you down and establish control over the situation. Regardless, you are the one who is in the driving seat of your life here, even though it doesn't feel that way. Your wife cannot actually force you to do anything you don't want to do, to not tell people or to keep it from your children. These are very early days but it seems like she may not be comfortable being in a mixed-orientation marriage (making you pretend to be straight is not a MOM!!). I think you need to have a good long think (and perhaps discuss with a counsellor individually) about whether it is actually something you want, and if so under what conditions. Once you are clear in your mind on this you will be in the position to discuss them with her. If her 'conditions' are deal-breakers for you, or vice versa, that may be your answer. Practicalities-wise, how would the finances etc. stack up if you lived independently from her?
I think you need to really spend some time thinking about what's important to you here. Your kids' long-term mental and emotional well-being? Trying to save the marriage? Having sex with a man at all costs? Living fully "out"? Having an open marriage? You also need to consider more deeply the costs (emotional, sexual, financial, etc.) of all of your options. That way you will have a clear understanding of your personal priorities in this situation and when you go to counseling and talk with your wife outside of counseling you'll be able to say what you want and know your options (which may or may not include leaving your wife) rather than basically asking the therapist or your wife for permission to do (or not do) something. You're probably not used to thinking in detail about what you want and how to get it since you've been repressing something important about yourself for a long time, so the real starting point is to start thinking about yourself as your own man with your own desires and priorities and start figuring out how to live them out.
Hey I totally get why you feel as you do. I think you probably have but have you spoken to your wife about how you are currently feeling? I don't think seeing a counsellor separately would necessarily be a bad thing, even if you continue to go jointly as well. Perhaps it's not so much what your kids gain from knowing but more what you lose by them not knowing. Out of interest how long is it until the middle child graduates?
One of the things I read online was how important it is to kids that their father trusts them, and can be truthful with them. And what I learned from getting through this step with my wife was the whole "wait!!" reaction was because she wasn't ready, not that they were not ready. It took a couple months before she was ready to sit with me and them and have me come out face-to-face. Hang in there.
Of course it is not my decision to make but that seems like a long time to wait. Perhaps as others have said your wife will come around to it, I think maybe she just doesn't want it to happen so is putting these barriers up but as we all know there is no perfect time. You have come this far I am sure you will come through it but I think it's important that you are equally sympathetic to her situation but also to your own and your needs.
@Jn6709 My first suggestion is to look for a different counselor. In the US we have an online database we can search for LGBTQ friendly counselors even specifically for a counselor who is gay. The counselor you have does sound more geared to her side and it shouldn't be that way. But first you need to decide what you want to do long-term. It isn't your wife's decision on how you live. That sounds harsh but it is truth. If you really want to stay married, then you need to work out compromises that fit you both, if not then work on plans for transitioning out of the marriage. I know easier said than done - I'm going through the same in my marriage with kids as well. As for telling your children, I would think the oldest could know and not tell the siblings. The 15 year old most likely as well. I've learned that teens and up are much more accepting of LGBTQ. Your youngest may still be to young to understand the whole coming out, but if you decide on separation/divorce you would want to plan on talking to them all to ensure they know you are still there for them and love them.
Hello... It's your life and you should do what makes you happy. My ex wife was up for a threesome but soon changed her mind, lol....I appreciate your wife needs more time to adjust to the situation do give her some more time . But set a limit, so after this period of time you can move forward with your life. Telling the kids, the older two yes, perhaps not the yiungest one. Mine are 13, 10 and 6. I'm only considering telling the eldest one. I would go with a therapist just for you of your choice. Is your plan to stay with your wife? If she won't give you an open marriage you may only have two choices. Either to leave her or stay and go back in the closet . I chose to leave and I'm leaving this weekend....
Hey I think you are getting great advise with the comments on living your own life. Ultimately, that means telling your kids. They will be fine. It's been only 4 weeks. I know this is an eternity. I went through that. I came out bi and my wife just assumed monogamy. I had been monogamous for 30 some years, so I just let those comments go. I decided that I loved my wife and if we were to remain together, she did have some say in how I came out. Mostly, I think I just wanted her to become used to the idea that I'm not the straight husband she thought I was. There were times I felt so frustrated that nothing had changed. That I would never experience intimacy with a man...all of the things you mentioned. I came out because I felt my wife owned my sexuality because she didn't know better. And, then, I felt like she owned it after she knew. It just took time. Eventually, my wife became comfortable enough that she suggested I have intimacy with a man. This is uncommon, but not rare. Many wives just cannot accept that they are married to a gay or bi man. I agree with some of what @JustAGuy wrote. That you can prioritize your actions. But, you cannot do this at the expense of your sexuality. So, there needs to be a recognition of your sexuality and a willingness by your wife to allow some expression. Or, it will not work...you will be unhappy. That doesn't mean it happens overnight either. Your counselor is not helping this move along. You should not have to defend your sexuality. You are what you are and the solution in how to integrate this into your marriage is a decision you both need to make. Don't be too discouraged right now. Keep being honest and open with your wife and be kind to her.
Thanks for all the good advice (as usual!). I’m going to find my own therapist, my wife’s main concern is that I’m somehow ‘plotting’ behind her back - I explained that I need to talk things through without censoring my words in case I say something that is misinterpreted or just rambling and that’ll upset her. She seems to accept that so that’s a good thing. It’s difficult to answer questions about what I want when I’m still trying to figure out who this new me really is! Some days I want one thing and then the next it’s all changed! I get why this isn’t helping her feel secure but I don’t want to make answers up that I then have to retract. We are moving forward in a good way (most days). Time will tell....
Hi @Jn6709. I’m close to a similar spot in my path, a little earlier on. Told my wife about a week ago. Have had a lot of very emotional conversations in that week, a lot of tears, and we’re each seeing separate counselors while I try to sort things out in my own head. I feel like it is difficult to figure things out with separate counselors though. To me it seems like the way forward is to speak with the same counselor - maybe first each have some alone time with that counselor to be open and honest, then meet at the same time to help resolve differences. I feel like this would help with some of the issues you describe, like feeling you need to censor. Is that something you’ve considered, or tried?
No, but it might have been a better way to start. We jumped straight into joint sessions and the 'results' haven't been that helpful to me - the counselor seems to have a lot more empathy with my wife and has asked me questions that feel more like a statement/accusations. The difficulty is that I need time to process the questions before I'm ready to respond and that time just isn't there in joint sessions - this has led to me answering in a way that's either not authentic or worse, upsets my wife because of the wording i use.
I'm a big believer in therapy. My wife is a shrink. So, I know the value of being able to work through issues with some guidance. But, I would be very cautious about going to a marriage counselor. Unless they are LGBQT friendly, and some are not, then there may well be a situation where the counselor sides with the straight spouse. When I came out I flat out asked how he felt about gay men. Turns out he is gay. So, I lucked out. But, I'm sure my wife would not have been comfortable because she would have seen it the opposite as your experience. It is not unreasonable to suggest to our spouses that we haven't figured this all out when we come out. I told my wife that I needed to work things out in my head before I tried to really answer all her questions. She was cool with this and let me answer questions on my own time. I understand our spouses need to know or to find some resolution. But, the process can't be rushed too much for most of us.
Another thing I wanted to mention regarding counselors at least in the USA... I actually had one tell me because it was my husband's insurance paying and my husband paid the remainder due, he was obligated to serve only his needs even if it was against the best altogether because he was not 'my' counselor due to the insurance payment. Don't really know how legal or ethical that is, but it is what he said, and even though he knew I was gay and wanted out of the marriage he told my husband and me in session that we should try to work it out and me just basically go back in the closet. I didn't return after that session, but stupidly did try to do what he suggested for a year.
A few years ago (when having issues unrelated to my sexuality), my wife and I tried a single session of joint therapy. No individual time, just jumped right in. I ended up being put on the spot with some questions that I answered a little too honestly I guess and years later it still haunts us. We never went again after that. So I will be treading lightly before doing any joint sessions again - I would first need to level set with the therapist so that I can get advice on when to censor and when to just tell it like it is. Good luck as you continue through it.
