I'm feeling really insecure about being a trans man, I feel like if someone actually asked me to justify the idea that I'm a man I wouldn't be able to give them a real answer. Them saying I'm just a woman who's gone on hormones has biological basis and all I have is just talk. My partner's brother is really conservative and argumentative and I'm so scared he'll bring up that I'm trans and out me to even more family members (I've been outed to him already) and I won't be able to defend myself and then the whole family will see me as a woman. I'm also scared of being outed to friends who I'm stealth too, they're also queer but I often see them treating trans men differently to cis men (e.g. saying they'll date anyone but cis men, that kind of thing). I don't want to be see as different to other men. I just want to be a normal man, I wanted to be treated like other men, and I want to physically be the same as other men. But I'm not and I can't even justify the idea that I'm a man to other people, all the makes sense logically is that I'm a woman with a delusion.
BocciBee.....I'm so sorry that you are having this problem. I know how tough it was for me to accept that I am and always have been gay...I can't really imagine how difficult it is to be trans and then to go through any part of transition. You may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. We have several staff members that are trans. If you send a message to @Rayland or @Hawk they may be able to help you more than I can. I do have to say however, that I really like your avatar! .....David :gay_pride:
Hey @BocciBee You don't need to justify yourself to others. You are who you are and no one can take that away from you. You choose who your family is. And if you're friends are queer and treat trans men differently it's on them and if they start to treat you differently, then they're not your friends to begin with. If you're out to them and they start doing that, then tell them exactly how you feel. I came out to my best friend and she kept misgendering me, but I had enough and I threathened her, that if she don't stop misgendering me, then I stop talking to her. It worked. I guess my friendship is important to her. You need to put your foot down sometimes. I hope this helped a bit, but my PM's are always open too. Hugs.
Unless you think that there is a possible violent reaction from someone, I would encourage you to come out as trans to everyone. People fear what they don't understand and react with stupidity. In your case, when reality is literally staring them in the face, they get a chance to be educated about trans people or queerness. They may appreciate the opportunity to learn and regret their pervious reactions. Others may continue being stupid. For some of them you can cut them out of your life. For those you can't, like your partner's brother, it is a chance for you to establish boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate. The ability to establish boundaries will serve you well across the board. Plus you no longer have to live a shadow existence.
Hi BocciBee, this is an interesting one. I've been lucky so far. No-one has thus far challenged me as to why I should be treated as a woman. But if I was I think I would probably talk about... * I hate my body, especially what's down there. I long to have breasts and a vagina and have done for sooo long, for decades. * I have spent my whole life running away from this deeply felt yearning to be a girl. I can't run away more. I'm transgender and that's all there is to it. * I feel more comfortable in female clothes. If I wear male clothes or have to spend any extended period of time pretending to male, I feel horrible, sh**y - it's called dysphoria. * If people call me Beth or treat me like they would any 'normal' woman, I feel wonderful. I feel a mini-high. It's called gender euphoria. So, that's what I'd do. (Obviously flip it so it makes sense FtM). Maybe you just have to talk from your heart about how you feel. Like you have here: Be brave, and speak your truth to them. That's all you can do. Wishing you good luck and hugs, Beth x
You can think of the reason why you transitioned. For example, that it makes ypu more comfortable or feels more natural to be perceived as a man or have your body look this way.
Thank you, this is very helpful and I appreciate how similar our experiences seem to be (though the other way round). Makes me feel less alone!
Really, you don’t need to justify that to anyone, save yourself if you feel that you need to. If you are a man, you are a man, despite the body you have been born in - and there is nothing wrong with aligning your, so to say, outside to your inside. Yes, there might (and probably will)be people who won’t want or be able to accept you as you are… Maybe those relationships won’t last, and perhaps it will hurt for a while, and maybe for a long time… I guess it’s the price we have to pay for being true to ourselves. As a bonus, you might get rid of a few toxic people who aren’t good to have around in the long run anyway. But that’s just my humble two euro cents on the topic ♀️
I've always hated the idea of justifying my gender to others. I'm lucky enough to pass now. I live in a bit of a middle ground though. My coworkers are all very accepting of me, but I work with clients that would not be near as accepting. At times, I have people ask me how I knew I was a man. I usually explain it by asking how they knew they were their gender. That usually makes them think about it a bit more. I would also say that you should not tell others if you think your safety is at risk. It can be a weird thing to explain honestly.
You will almost never win an argument with someone who demands justification, especially in this context. The best idea that I can think of right now for you is to re-evaluate those you have a choice over, like friends and acquaintances, and if they still strike you as worthwhile for you, or if you can't choose (i.e. family), then once you're out, live your best life and hope they come around due to exposure and seeing that this is your best you. It's tough, but I think that when people come around like this, it's solid. This is also just my thoughts, opinions, and experience. I am by no means an expert, and I've never had to go through this for myself. At the end of the day, you need to figure out what's best for you, and do it 100%.
Hey, I think ALL of us trans people think this sometimes, especially when people we trudt just say that we're "Not quite okay in the head" or "Just going through a phase." However, it is what we are, and we should not let others make us doubt our selfs. Don't worry, your not alone, and we arre with you! ~
If you're in the mood to take a really broad view... Consider the fact that in this media and consumerist environment, many happily cis-gender folk (like me) don't feel confident about ourselves either. We're constantly being told that we're not man enough or woman enough - because we don't look like this, or buy this, or belong to this or that or whatever. Nobody in our society is ever real enough, it seems. Of course trans people face even more hurdles, that's for sure. Just know that if you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.
