Feeling like a fake

So someone asked me today 'how do you know you're a man? what is it about you that makes you masculine?'

These kind of questions are so difficult for me to answer because I am always told 'that doesn't make you a man'.

These are my reasons:
I feel extremely uncomfortable with the feminine aspects of my body. This includes body shape, not just body parts. In fact my body repulses me. I have no desire to want to 'share it' so to speak with anyone because of the way I feel about myself. I have said before that I have no desire for an improved female body. I just don' want a female body at all.

I hate wearing women's clothing. I haven't yet had the opportunity to dress as a guy so I don't know yet how that feels. I do feel more comfortable with a type of chest binder though.

I hate anything girly or feminine. Even men's clothing or accessories or even behaviours that are more on the feminine side, I reject within myself. People say I don't act like a man and that I am not at all masculine and I hate the way they associate me with femininity.

I don't really get along with women. The more trans I feel the less I can relate to them. When I see a group of guys I feel like I should have been one of them. I find it easier to talk to some men, though not all. It's kind of half and half.

I feel a bit iffy about having a male body. I do admire men's bodies but I don't know. I feel like some things I would want but not others. Maybe it's too early to say yet. I think it's just because it is my body which will always be a trans body and I don't know if I can accept that part of myself.

I feel dreadful about my appearance but I don't know that dressing as a guy will make me feel better. I want to feel good about myself and take pride in my appearance but I feel as though I never will because to me, I will never be correct :icon_sad:

 

You're perfect in your own way and you shouldn't change for anyone but yourself.
Dress how you want to, be who you want to,and love yourself for it.
You're correct in every way, there is never going to be anything wrong wit who you are or how you dress xxxx

 

"I feel extremely uncomfortable with the feminine aspects of my body. This includes body shape, not just body parts. In fact my body repulses me. I have no desire to want to 'share it' so to speak with anyone because of the way I feel about myself. I have said before that I have no desire for an improved female body. I just don' want a female body at all."

Switch the gender and you have exactly what I'm thinking. I always find this the hardest thing to explain to other people. Most people I know have had to put up with and accept the only explanation I've felt comfortable giving them. "My body doesn't feel right at all. Being a girl just makes sense, nothing ever did before". I can't tell my grandparents that I lay awake at night thinking "One day I'll have real boobs!" so they have to put up with that! The people you know will have to as well.

As for your other concerns, I understand that feeling completely. That feeling that you may as well not bother because it will never be right. When I signed up to EC my profile read something like "I'm not actually sure I want to BE a woman..." because at the time, I felt like you do. I wasn't sure if the change would be worth it. I didn't know if it would help. The only thing that changed that was time and experimentation!

The thought that "my body [...] will always be a trans body" is the worrying one. It's the worst feeling! Or one of them at least. I hope you figure out what you need!

 

So, maybe those things don't make you a man. But who can really say what makes a man? The things you've said certainly suggest you're not a woman, and pushing your perceived femininity at you is cruel. You're not a woman, and everyone else is just going to have to come to terms with that.

People like to assume that if you're ftm, you can be fixed if you just dress more girly and have people tell you you're pretty a lot. They're missing the point though - you're not broken. You know who you are (even if you feel uncertain, you know what you aren't). They're just trying to box you into something that makes them more comfortable, it isn't about you at all. The reason we're uncomfortable with our bodies has nothing to do with not thinking we're pretty, we just aren't women. Turn the tables at them, ask them what makes a woman. Just like trying to figure out what makes a man, placing what, exactly, makes a woman is a frustrating task. It's not about parts, so what is it about?

 

im kind of going through something similar. i don't feel female at all and I've always identified with men. there's nothing more i would want in this world than to be a man, look like one, act like one, and finally be comfortable with who i am.

however, i am scared to death that after transitioning, that i would still have this female looking body and not be happy with a ftm body. life sure is not easy living a lie, but i don't know if it would be any easier constantly worrying what people would think of my trans body. i guess its not about what other people think.. but i honestly don't know how i would feel either. everyone here seem so strong and don't care about other peoples opinion, but i do.. i care and i worry (and thats probably why I've lived my life as a heterosexual woman..).

im curvy, short, pretty feminine looking.. and I'm just wondering if i will ever be able to look like a man. how much can testosterone actually do?

 

So what I can tell you is that its a feeling that one feels. For the longest time I felt more female than male. I feel more comfortable as a female rather than male. That's strike one, I went to the l psychologist and I began to self-analyze myself. It turns out that I identify as a female, not did I just cross dress but I felt really comfortable so comfortable that I can go out in public dressed like that. That was strike two. Currently working on strike 3. Lol

 

You know, I see my body as male, every part of it, and I'm still pre-t. It's not an "ftm body" or some knock-off fake or something. If you're a dude, your body is too, well if you wanna see it that way anyway.

T is powerful stuff believe me. We end up looking and sounding like how we would if we were born cis.

Hudson's FTM Resource Guide

Check this out. Study what effects (and how long they take) T has to your body/face and any potential risks. It's good to know exactly what may happen and stuff and when you take it. You may be curvy, but T may help in redistribution fat and stuff, it won't affect stuff like hip bone structure and height if you're past teens but overall it affects a lot.

And you may wanna take a trip through youtube and check out some trans guys' vids. It may ease your concerns. Like look at their pre-T vids, and then their later ones where they've been on T for a long while.

 

Erm, since you are giving this as advice to someone, I just want to clarify that T is not THAT level of a miracle, you will still have the same bone structure which is probably not exactly what you would have as a cis male. The catch is that not 100% of MAAB people grow to their full size anyway cuz the growth plates can close early, like happened to me, so I guess you could say it is in the cis male range. Just sayin' so the OP understands that 99% of the time it won't make you taller or things like that though. ='(

But yeah it definitely does a LOT, though it varies from person to person. It does do the most important thing for passing as a male... lower your body fat, esp in your face, and make your skin coarser and more oily, and develop your male facial/body hair pattern.

Just trying to lend some extra perspective there though! )

 

Yeah, if you read my post fully you'd see that I said it wouldn't affect height if you're past teens and also wouldn't affect stuff like hip bone structure. It doesn't affect long bone growth I believe that's what its called if you're past the age for that for yourself, and it won't give anyone a full-on penis, but it is pretty powerful for all it does affect. I should have said we end up generally looking/sounding as we would if cis, cause yeah if yodon't take it early like teens, you probably won't attain what would've been your maximum height and you won't attain the bone structure either.

Oh and if you first take it at a way older age, like 50 or something, I think it may affect chances of getting a more masculine voice. Like it may not get as masculine and stuff as it would if taken younger. Of course everyone's different though.

Sorry if I'm coming off as touting it as some super magic miracle, that wasn't what I was doing. I know the limits and risks and stuff.

 

Well it's going to be a while yet before I get any t. Now I'm kind of out although havent started dressing as a guy yet I don't know it's supposed to feel. I mean if I'm already a guy in my head, surely I shouldn't need to forcefully act like a guy. It should already be there. But when I see my reflection I hate it because my mannerisms are too feminine.Do you actually have to practice acting like a guy/girl? This feels wrong for me because it's just as bad as being in the closet. It's not being true to me it's saying ok now I'm a guy and so I have to be this and that to fit the mold. I have never felt I have forcefully acted feminine even to try and hide the fact I'm trans. I've just been....well....me. Perhaps a lack of confidence also makes me appear more feminine I don't know. I want to feel confident in myself however long I am waiting for t

I just don't feel confident as a guy. I can do it as a masculine/boyish woman but thats not what I am