I made a post in another forum several months ago about if I would still be considered a lesbian if I was romantically attracted to guys. I ended up getting in a "situationship" (basically when the relationship just happens and the other person doesn't want to commit but you both still act like a couple) with a dude, and it left me feeling like I can't say I am gay to people or else they will think I am lying. I know it is no ones business and I shouldn't care but I do care. I just feel like something is wrong with me because I thought I was in love with this dude, and when I decided to end it because it wasn't anything I started to think maybe I did it out of desperation. I do find myself rushing things with some (it happened a couple times, both dudes) because they give me attention and it makes me feel good, so I think if I feel good it can't be bad, right? I like to know myself and my feelings. My attraction to girls is fairly simple: I like them sexually and romantically, although I have never dated a girl and I am somehow sure of this attraction. I have been with a guy but never "officially" and I know I like them romantically, and if I get really comfortable with them I begin to tolerate possible events of anything sexual. I literally started to convince myself that if the time came when me and that dude were alone and... "in the mood" I would at least try out having sex even though the thought scares me. My cousin has told me that "you never know" and that I could like it. Maybe... but I genuinely don't wish to try it, I have only felt obligated to kinda tolerate it when in a relationship even though I was never forced. A part of me feels guilty for liking dudes in such a complicated way, when it would be easier to like everything about them (including their dick) or nothing at all. But somehow I am in between that... I also feel like a girl will never like me and I will never get to experience what it is like. Most of my friends are queer and their sexuality is kind of eh too but for some reason I am extremely bothered by not knowing what the heck I am. I hate that I feel this constant need for love and attention and when someone gives it to me I just go love blind. I know I won't care when I am out of High School but I got another 2 and 1/2 years to go so.. tl;dr I feel invalid about my sexuality and feel like I can't say I am gay because I like dudes romantically and have been with a dude (unofficially, meaning no sex and never really were legitimate) twice but never with a girl. I feel like a girl will never love me and that's all i want...I feel like something is wrong with me because it is all wacky and I am so deeply bothered by it. Also, I feel a constant desire for love and attention and that is what ended me in those relationships with guys (i don't do anything drastic for attention, I just bottle it and it takes over). How do I fucking not care about this??
My advice? Don't call yourself anything. Do only what you want to do. You might like having sex with a dude but you should only do it if you want to. Don't do it if you are scared or don't feel comfortable. I think everyone has a complicated sexuality. Mine sure is. You're totally fine. No one worth your time will judge you for doing what you want to do.
Don't let yourself be pushed into being anything and don't tell yourself you have to. Who do you want to be today? You are that person, because you have a choice. Be who you want and be with who you want. Love can be about many things.
Honestly... I’m not sure.. I did have a crush on a girl in 8th grade but I didn’t have any classes with her. We kind of saw each other in the halls and at assemblies. The crush developed when we had this awkward schedule and we were in the gym for hours and I got to meet her, because i had a friend that knew her. After that, I got fluttery every time I saw her and even would wait for her to walk down the hall during the beginning of my last period so we could say hi and give each other a hug. I did tell her my feelings and I did say I don’t want to hop into anything but rather... hang out to see if there’s more to us. I think her silence and round-about responses were her rejecting me, but she was the only girl I actually tried to pursue. I guess I don’t really try I just assume I’ll eventually end up in a relationship with a girl. I had multiple unofficial relationships with guys because they kind of happened and I never had the intention for it to end up wherever it ended up. And yeah I guess I didn’t feel 100% confortable but I was getting love and attention, and I was able to give all my love to someone.... so I was “happy.” And I never really felt like I was missing anything because girls don’t advance on me. And even though I’m a girl, I don’t really know what to do when it comes to pursuing a girl. But guys seem to open up rather quickly and as a result I get more attracted because they are trusting me (I hope that makes sense). I feel like if I try to look for a girl I’m being desperate.. even though I’m already lowkey desperate which is why I give in whenever love is around. But then I also feel like I shouldn’t even be in a relationship because I’m desperate.
I understand. It's a lot harder to date women as a woman. Because since most people are assumed to be straight you have to assume the girl is even into girls and then put yourself out there. There is also the heteronormative idea that a woman can wait to be pursued and the guy is supposed to ask her out. All of this is different with women. So people in straight relationships can get into relationships with very little effort and gay people have to try much harder.
@Homoie I understand I think what you say about your feelings with guys. That is how I felt forever and why I married a man twice. For me it wasn't that I had any attraction to a man though, it was the attention they gave me. At least I felt wanted. Like Love4Ever said, it is so much harder for women to date women. So much harder especially the later you come out and start trying.
In case you haven't been told by someone, welcome to EC! Your thoughts make sense to me. It is difficult to date girls as a girl or even know if a girl is into you to begin with. So I understand the pressure to date and only pursue men instead. It's all I've been doing since I've been struggling with my sexuality ever since I became aware of it. Honestly I think this can give anyone a lot of pressure emotionally and mentally, so it's better to take it one step at a time. The issue with needing validation and low self-esteem is that no matter what you do externally, if you have sex with x people, or move to x places, it stays with you...Unless you deal with it. That could make things a lot easier. It certainly has for me.
