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Feeling guilty

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Rayland, Sep 14, 2021 at 12:02 PM.

  1. Rayland

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    Hello! This post is not really asking advice or anything, just a little self reflection and I just need to let my thoughts out a bit more and maybe just vent a bit.

    So I decided to write a letter to my parents explaining what is going on with me and it’s not that I’m planning on giving them this letter just yet. I only prepared it for now to give to them, when I’m ready. While writing this letter I got very emotional and even cried during writing it. It did make me feel lighter inside, but even just thinking about that letter makes me emotional all over again.

    I guess I am feeling guilty in front of my parents, since I feel that I already was such a dissapoitment to them and I have to let them down again.
    I know my fathers attitude towards homosexuality, but I don’t know how much does he know about trans people. First thing he problably thinks about is that maybe I like women, so that’s why I want to be male, so I included an explanation about that to the letter as well, so I wouldn’t have to come out twice, when the time comes.
    He has asked me before that I’m not lesbian, right? It was not asked in a good way, because his tone of voice wasn’t good, when he asked. He problably didn’t mean to sound like that, sometimes he says things withouth really thinking them trough. My family has always been trying to be supportive.

    I know that I shouldn’t feel like that and I’m not obligated in front of them, but they are still my family and I fear that this news is going to be so dramatic, that my parents and relatives won’t be able to get over this, in this life or the next life either.

    I know some family members who are open minded about these topics and about some I have no clue how they take it. I am even scared to tell to the family members who are open minded, because I don’t know how they would take the news about someone they are close with being trans and gay as well.

    Family is very important to me and I’m very close with them, so this makes my fear of rejection even worse. I only have the worst case scenarios in my head too.

    Sorry for the long ramble. I wasn’t even sure if I want to post this.
     
    #1 Rayland, Sep 14, 2021 at 12:02 PM
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2021 at 12:07 PM
  2. tidalpool127

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    I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand that kind of fear, not knowing if the people you love will accept you. I don't know your family situation but people can surprise you, both in good and bad ways. And sometimes things that seem irreparable just need time.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    I am sorry that things are so difficult with your family. I hope that you are able to find a way to work it out.
     
  4. Rayland

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    Thank you @tidalpool127 and @QuietPeace too. I hope it all works out in the end. I just hope I won’t cause any harm to them with this. I do fear that, because my father have had heart attack before. There are just too many worries, that come with this. I just wish that things shouldn’t have to be like this.
     
  5. AvatarRoku

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    I don’t think it’s possible for you to cause them harm. How can you. You being honest with them and yourself is not harmful. True they might be shocked, struggle to understand but you cannot harm them with the truth.

    I think is a excellent idea to write them a letter even if you don’t intend to give it to them yet because then when the time is right and you feel ready you will have already prepared the words that you need.

    it’s probably a good thing that you getting those emotions out and onto the paper and I really hope it made you feel much lighter and happier to do so.

    sending you lots and lots of virtual hugs!!!
     
  6. Rayland

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    Thank you! Yes it did make me feel better.
     
  7. AvatarRoku

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    I’m glad it helped you. You know where we are if you need us. My door is always open.