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Feeling depressed and deflated

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DMals80, Aug 28, 2020.

  1. DMals80

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    I know I should be completely used to the cycle by now, of having a few good weeks of being able to bury it in the back of my mind and not let dictate nearly every thought, followed by a really terrible week where it erupts inside, and I’m depressed, unmotivated and turn into an asshole to everyone around me, including the people I care about most, my wife and twin girls. The three people in this world that I feel like I’m trying to protect by living like this.

    I used to tell myself, just stick it out until the girls are in college, which is 11 yrs. But my god, I don’t think that’s even possible. It just seems like the down weeks are getting harder and more frequent and the okay weeks are becoming less okay.

    Sometimes I feel so close to just blurting it out to her, I’m gay. Telling myself, okay you’re going to do it, now is the time, it’s happening. It feels exhilarating. But of course, it doesn’t happen.

    I want to be able to do it so damn bad it hurts, emotionally and physically.

    I know this will pass in a week or so, but shit, it just sucks and I hate it.
     
  2. Songful

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    DMals80, I'm sorry that you're going through so much inner turmoil. I've had experience with that myself and it's awful. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. There are many people on this forum who can probably relate.
     
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  3. DMals80

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    Thank you songful, it is nice to know I’m not the only one going through it.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @DMals80,

    You’re not alone and I can relate too. I stayed with my (now) ex for three years after I realised that I was gay and it only got worse as time went on. I always wanted to leave, but I was terrified of what might be on the other side, so I stayed. At first it was easier to manage, being intimate was hard, but otherwise I generally coped. Like you, I often had the urge just to tell my ex. Living a pretence is very draining though, and the feeling being suffocated becomes overwhelming. My mental health took a real hit, towards the end of those three years I often felt that I just didn’t want to be anymore. Eventually it occurred to me that if I felt like that now, where would I be in another years time? So, I knew I had to leave.

    Whether or not you tell your wife is your decision, but maybe think about how things are now and how you might be feeling in a year, two years, etc. from now. I sometimes got a little short tempered with my daughter too, but now she has adjusted really well and I’ve got a lot more patience. She’s much better off in two homes, than one home filled with resentment and negativity. And 11 years is a long time, your wife could find a find new relationship with somebody who she is more compatible with in that time, as could you.

    Be kind to yourself, it’s very hard. We’ll be here whatever you decide.
     
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  5. JessNC

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    Thank you for sharing. I hear your emotional pain coming through and, like others, want you to know you're not alone. My situation has some similarities to yours and both feeling stuck and navigating the cycle of denial and awareness wear me out.

    Sending hugs your way.
     
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  6. Caraldo

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    I feel for you. I spent over 15 years knowing that I would never be truly satisfied with a relationship with a woman...the realization that I was straight up gay. I have to look back and see the damage staying did to everyone... whatever I thought was bad about blowing it up turned out would have been better to do that than what ended up happening. THAT WAS MY EXPERIENCE. However, you say you love your wife, your girls are 11. So 7 years from now, when you are done and can’t do it anymore, is she gonna be happier that she spent the last seven years wondering what she did, what’s wrong with her that she couldn’t keep you happy, to find out that there was nothing she could have done? Is she gonna be happy that she had her miserable husband and never knew the truth and spent 7 years trying to figure it out instead of being able to work on building the rest of her life. You aren’t just depriving yourself of the opportunity to find Mr.Right. No judgment here, just food for thought from someone who has been there. And coming out will one thing.....foolishly I was openly gay to my wife for 13 years before we even separated. Peace and love honey ❤️
     
    #6 Caraldo, Aug 29, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2020
  7. Dan2469

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    I feel your pain. Went through the same anxiety. Talked to a counselor about how to break the news. But one morning just had to let it out . And my wife was wonderful about it. We remain together and are closer than ever. Had many tough discussions but have worked through things. I had a friend who told me she would understand and he was right. I do regret not addressing it sooner. But everyone has a different journey. I wish I had known of this site in that difficult time! Be good to yourself. And don’t discount a loving spouse’s ability to understand.
     
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  8. Contented

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    11 years is a long time not to mention how your wife will feel about you keeping this secret. You will penalize her as well as it become more and more difficult to date as we get older. There is no easy out here however tough decisions are usually the right ones. From your perspective do you want to spend the next 11 years torturing yourself about a possible gay relationship? Unfortunately the road to an authentic sexual identity is often a rocky road however the end result is worth it. Keep moving towards your true self and rest will work itself out.
     
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  9. justaguyinsf

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    It sounds like your real struggle is whether to risk losing what know you have you now for an uncertain future as an out gay man. I bet if you can answer that question, then you'll know what to do about telling your wife. I would urge you to gather information on what life is like for gay men (good and bad) and try to weigh what life might look like for you if you came out.
     
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  10. GeoTrekker

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    I'm in the same situation as you. I've recently come to accept that I'm gay but haven't had this talk with my wife yet. I too, at times, just want to blurt it out to her but haven't done it.

    My only advice to you is this: Be kind to yourself. It sounds like you're really beating yourself up over not coming out to your wife, but you're not ready yet, and that's okay.
     
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