I know I should be completely used to the cycle by now, of having a few good weeks of being able to bury it in the back of my mind and not let dictate nearly every thought, followed by a really terrible week where it erupts inside, and I’m depressed, unmotivated and turn into an asshole to everyone around me, including the people I care about most, my wife and twin girls. The three people in this world that I feel like I’m trying to protect by living like this. I used to tell myself, just stick it out until the girls are in college, which is 11 yrs. But my god, I don’t think that’s even possible. It just seems like the down weeks are getting harder and more frequent and the okay weeks are becoming less okay. Sometimes I feel so close to just blurting it out to her, I’m gay. Telling myself, okay you’re going to do it, now is the time, it’s happening. It feels exhilarating. But of course, it doesn’t happen. I want to be able to do it so damn bad it hurts, emotionally and physically. I know this will pass in a week or so, but shit, it just sucks and I hate it.