Fear being old

I am 63 and retired - I am not the negative things that you fear. It is different now but I feel that my biggest challenge is finding time for the things that interest me. I am realistic so I know that we live in a society that likes to pigeon hole everyone and that being older is perceived as a negative thing. Realistically, being older is not bad, it is different and not bad. None of us can escape ageing so we need to reflect on what we perceive as ageing and how it affects us. I like where I am at in some respects but don't like being perceived negatively because I am older then 20, 30......

 

Two words: George Clooney. That guy could see way more action, if that's how you want to measure success or validation, even if he wasn't famous but just a guy living anywhere in the modern world, than a guy 10 or 20 years younger who didn't look as good.

I just deal with it. It's a number. I do what I want to do, think what I want to think, and go where I want to go. There are things that I can't do and situations I can't access as easily. I know that. I also looked better and was more confident at 37 than I did and was at 27 than I did and was at 17. The best thing about it has been acquiring more street smarts and being able to understand people and situations better and more quickly.

I am glad I don't have to repeat certain rites of passage and certain life events. I am sure other less than pleasant ones will come my way.

 

Your life is what you make of it.

I will tell you this right now......

Start a retirement account right NOW!
I dont care how much you put in the account on a weekly or monthly basis, but put SOMETHING in it!

Start saving NOW, because it's going to be HELL if you get to be my age and don't have any kind of retirement account! And no matter what happens, DO NOT TOUCH THAT MONEY until you retire!!!

Talk to a banker or financial adviser to start some kind of plan for yourself. When it does come time to retire, you will be GLAD you started saving early in life!

It will make you feel a LOT better to know you have something to retire on when the time comes.

 

Old here. I was much more afraid of virtually everything when I was younger, so it's not surprising that you're worried about reaching my age (let alone beyond).

But I'll tell you, dear. There is nothing to fear. Not here; not anywhere.

With respect to age, all you have to gain is wisdom.

 

well im 40 and i must admit its a very sad and lonely existence being bi and coming to terms with this late. that said, i must preface it by saying that i am still coming to terms with the bi-ness and trying to reduce self hate, internalized homophobia and fear of being outed. so basically the more closeted and boxed in you are, the more lonely and isolating you will be. that said, i have indeed noticed something VERY real...at least from my own experience. others may disagree, but that's fine. i can't only speak on what i see.

1. if you are a attractive and post 40, you still can and will be able to pull attractive men. however, these are typically going to be younger guys that are in their early 20s to mid 20 that are looking for someone older. they usually ONLY want older men for a few reasons:
1. they are looking for someone to be their sugardaddy and will constantly ask for money.
2. they think they are more mature than guys their own age and feel like guys their own age are immature and they want an "ideal" man. many of these types will say: "i want a man not a boy"
3. they overall have a daddy fetish.

so if you are over 40 and still relatively attractive and in shape, you can still pull attractive younger guys if that is what you are into. likewise, for every guy that is into you, many more will simply not be into you because of your age. no matter how good you look or how good your body is, they simply will not be interested or will only have sex with you and dump you shortly after that (i have not experienced the sex using aspect but have heard about it).

you will certainly be able to get other guys your own age, but sadly many of these guys have not taken care of theirselves and have let theirselves go. so although you may be in great shape and have good facial looks, other guys your own age may not have kept up their work out routines and either look frumpy or downright slobby. sure, they could have hearts of gold but you should not feel guilt for wanting to date someone that offers what you can provide. so this may be harder to find if you want someone your own age because usually the ones you want are already taken.

if you are out and comfortable with your sexuality you have developed other gay friends and social activities that you find engaging, so even if you are alone, you can have a fulfilling life. if you are still trying to hide your sexuality at this age, it's likely a very sad existence or an exhausting one in which you are living a double life.

also many guys your own age or older will also be looking for young men, so again, even if you are "hot" for your age, you will feel a lot of rejection possibly from the the type you want. if you are seen as unattractive or overweight, you will definitely feel A LOT of rejection and may have to date other people in your own "looks" category. yes, you may be able to find a really great looking guy that will love you for you and your heart, but this is rare.

people say the gay community is built on looks and age but i am not so sure that is true. women in general seem to seek security in a hetero relationship. they want marriage for kids and security and a family life. men (hetero) go through a phase where they are looking for the hottest chicks they can get to bang and sleep with. eventually they settle down with one that turns them on and can give them the white picket fence life. so guys in general (straight or gay) all are doing the same thing, but the problem is where women may find the heart of a guy more important that his face and pecs and abs, men on the other hand seem to place more value on the physical and the emotional comes second. therefore, i think this is why when these same forces are combined, you have more trouble finding long term mates since both are typically seeking the bigger/better complex.

i know people will disagree or say im generalizing. that's fine. but i also know there are a ton of beautiful single gay men that are single forever and seem to rotate in and out of relationship and you seriously have to ask yourself.....something is up when you have tons of guys that look like models and they are always always single on and off post 30 and can't seem to find anyone.

 

Completely agree.

 

Another old guy here. It isn't like that for me, at all. Indeed, it's kind of the opposite: young people without much life experience can be sweet, but they're often not very interesting to be around.

I don't mean that as a criticism, I just mean that as you get older your perspective and interests will mature, too. You won't look at your life as you do now. You'll have a boatload of experiences, good and bad, that affect who you are and how you look at life.

I guess my advice on being less terrified would be to focus on today rather than on an unknown future. Concentrate on living your life as is it right now, so that when you do get old the person you've become will be an interesting person.

 

Welcome, and what a great post. As for the younger guys, you're right. They may be interesting to talk to, but that's mostly it. And a select few can be very intelligent and really are older than their years. However, if they are looking your way, it may be a sugar daddy thing or it may be that the find a middle aged guy attractive. Let's not knock over 40 guys. There were a couple of early 40s type professors when I was in college who looked just as good as some of the guys my age, and people in general commented that these professors were "stud muffins." Was I interested in them for anything beyond the possibility of messing around? No. Would I have wanted anything from them in some other form - money, meals, etc.? Not a chance. I would have been insulted by that. I can buy my own hamburger and drink.

Please, by all means, generalize. It's what you've seen. I've seen it, too. Lots of good looking guys over 30 are in a perennial search of something long-term that doesn't exist, yet they have the looks, the job, and they have a lot of breadth. They just don't have depth. While this may sound crass, I call them "one trick wonders." They'll have sex with you once, either being very selfish during sex or they may really get into it, and then freak out. I'm sure it's on rinse/repeat cycle. I think it's that they seem themselves as A-list and sort of princely, so that makes them feel entitled. I sort of shrug and don't care. You can see that type coming a mile away. I can mess around with someone, mess around with them again, and still keep a friendship. Or, I can keep a friendship going, and the messing around goes away. They seemingly can't do either. It's a big joke to me, and once you see it for what it is, and I did so rather early, I didn't let it bother me.

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2015 at 08:19 AM ----------

Another great post. I agree with all of it.

 

There are alot of guys in the 40s and 50s who look after themselves really well. I regularly go to the gym and I'd say people in that age group they make up at least 40% of the membership.

 

The good news is you've accepted yourself for who you are in your 20s and can pursue relationships and begin developing a social life. As someone else said, straight people can be lonely when they get older.

I just accepted that I'm gay last year. I'm 47 and have never been in a relationship. I made all kinds of excuses for not dating, but finally accepted the truth. Yes I'm concerned about finding someone at this point, but the same would be true if I was straight and just starting,

My point is, yes, its easier to find someone and set up a social life in your 20s. But you have plenty of time.... rushing into something won't help you either. Take your time, but realize straight people can feel the clock ticking too.

 

Honestly, I think the things you're fearing DO happen to some people. If you live your life until you're 30+ focussing and using only the beauty of your physical form to get through life, then yes - losing your hair, going grey, having to work harder on your physique, generally looking older will come as a rude shock.

A lot of guys in their 20s aren't blessed with good looks and great bodies - so they often build their personality, strength, intellect, humour, talents, wisdom etc to compensate. When they get to their 30s and 40s, you'll often find they're much more well adjusted than the ones that breezed through early life on their looks and then lose them.
I'm not saying that all young good looking guys don't work on building their inner selves, but I would guess that many don't.

So I would suggest developing your inner beauty before you INEVITABLY get old.

 

The notion that being gay is a young mans life is a fallacy. The immaturity, risk taking and decisions made in ones youth might lead to short term fun, but it has the potential for long term negative implications. If your young and gay, and party without focusing on your future, of course you could end up unhappy mid life and later years. If you focus on your future when your young, put yourself in a rewarding position in life (however each person defines that), then your later years can be more rewarding than your younger years.

For me, I have never been happier and more fulfilled. I made sacrifices early on to be able to benefit later on. I look at my straight brother, yes straight, and he led a "youthful" life of fun, irresponsibility, and parties, and he is paying the price today by struggling each and every day (we are two years apart).

Life is about the decisions you make. When you make them and the follow on effect from those decisions. The decisions you make earlier on have more of an impact on where you will be in life later on than the decisions you make later on, which are not as impactful.

 

I think that the worst birthday I have had was when I turned 25. All I could think of was that I was a quarter century old. In retrospect life is so much better now that I am older - so much in life has settled with time and/or effort that I am more relaxed and happy.

 

All you have to do is to realize that fearing anything (getting old, dying, single etc) is just a thought born of your past(memories)..there is no need to complicate your present by trying to resolve or fix it or do anything about it other than just learn to live with it...

 

Being relatively young and fit I don't see the need to worry about getting old, well not for another few decades. At nearly 60 (in August) I can run a mile in 6:20 and party with the best of them. A young friend of mine came out and left his wife at 45! and he is now in his second teenage. Other pals of mine are living very ordinary happy lives with their same sex partners.
If you think you are old at 20 something you are very old. If you think you are young at 90 you are young and probably partying!
At any age it's about the quality of your life.
Life is what you make it, your age is never an issue.
:music:

 

Getting older is a part of life. As I tell people I'm getting older. I'm NOT getting old. As I have just recently"Come Out" I look forward to this next stage of life.

When I was in the closet women would always ask if I was interested in going out. I sometimes went out mostly made excuses why I couldn't.

Not that I'm a prize package or anything, but as I navigate my new life I'm looking to meet people with similar interests and see where life takes me.

I believe there is someone for everyone. You just have to find him or her.

---------- Post added 4th May 2015 at 12:19 PM ----------

 

Well, good for you! That's the attitude to have. Life is what you make of it, not what you worry it can't be or anything like that. Look forward to the excitement of a new life, and what does it matter how old you are? And all that experience will count, too.