Father, Husband, not sure about anything else

Hi

I am so scared and confused right now. When asked how I identify myself, the above is all I can come up with. I feel like I don’t know me. I love my wife, we have been together almost 20 years and we have 6 great kids (ages 2-17). I have a successful career and on the surface it looks like the perfect American life. The problem is that I am not sure if I am a man or a woman and sometimes wish I was my wife’s wife instead of husband….

I am almost 44 and have been crossdressing on and off since I was about 12. I have no recollection prior to that age of wanting to be a girl, I play (notice, not just past tense) with legos and like sci fi, never into sports. I was the awkward and nerdy kid. Home was a traumatic roller coaster. Narcissitic and histrionic mother who left my father when I was 10 and I did not see him again until I was 32. She remarried and did the same to second dad when I was an adult. As a teen, I did anything she told me, I knew deep down it was the best way to avoid being “thrown away.” She would sometimes expose herself, and somehow instead of a typical Oedipal response I more started fantasizing of being like her…. Luckily she has been out of my life for the past 12 years and therapy has helped me be ok with that.

As I said, married almost 20 years. My wife is truly my best friend. She knows I Crossdress, and for the longest time every I thought it was all a sexual kink. She accommodated this in the bedroom for 15 years, our sex life was one of doing something for each other. But the female aspect of my sexuality grew. I would want to hear her say “It’s ok to be a woman” and would like to hear fantasies of us together as woman. I became sexually excited from stories that would just involve being woman doing things like shopping or talking or normal, non sexual activities. I would want to hear about being pregnant. I would even want to hear about having a period when she would have a period. I would then climax and things would subside.

Something started to give about 2 years ago. I started dressing when alone for periods of time and it scared me. I became withdrawn (mind you, a baby in the house who did not sleep and I tried to compensate my guilt by taking over the night care and becoming sleep deprived did not help). Then I blurted out one day to her “Do you think I am trans?” She became scared, her immediate response was that she knew life was too perfect and something would give to ruin it, that she could never be with a woman and that it would be over. That it would be devastating for her to then see me as a woman with another women, knowing she could never be that other woman. I backpedaled fast, told her I was not thinking I was, just asking if she thought I was from something she had said a few days earlier. I convinced her I was not (and also myself for a while). After that, I was unable to Crossdress in front of her (not her doing, but mine, I saw the aversion in her eyes that I never picked up on before). I started therapy and worked through some childhood trauma. My wife said she was ok with the crossdressing, but asked if it could be something I do in private now.

I felt ok with this at first, but things started to give. Sex has become harder for me. At first I thought it was fear of getting her pregnant (we both fully agree we are done having kids, the last was a COVID last chance situation), so I got snipped, but still with problems. I think it is because I am seen as a man in the bedroom, and I don’t know how to be, or don’t like to be, or don’t want to be, or don’t enjoy it, or just that I don’t know.

Sometimes my wife will ask “are you a man?” Or “what are you?” As a way to getting reassured. I just want to answer “I am me” or “I don’t know’ or “Sometimes I want to be a woman but I am unsure.” But I don’t, I can’t stand hurting her.

There are days where I think about what life would be if I was a woman. Part of me feels I would want to experiment or feel it out more if I knew it would be as her wife, but I also feel I would rather be male and her husband then being a woman without her. I have spend years running from even asking the question.

I have started with a new therapist, she is the first I have ever truly started to open up with. Sessions are over zoom, which is amazing. I am very male looking (190 lb, 6’ tall, beard) and have even done a few sessions in female attire (she did not laugh at me and she made me feel like a person). My wife will start seeing her in a few weeks, as well. I both look forward to sessions and am scared from them.

I think I wrote this more for myself, not sure if anyone would read it even. If you did, thanks for listening.

 

Hi

thank you wanderlust and Beth. Your words are thoughtful and helpful. I appreciate it!

 

Hi all

What a roller coaster the past two weeks have been. I have come out as a trans woman!!

Sometimes my wife would ask “are you a man?” or “what are you?” As a way to getting reassured. The other night, she asked "Are you trans?" Answer "I don' know" and "I don't want to be." but after a long talk, the answer was YES. I told her everything, about how I don't want to be trans but I can't go through the day, I can't even go a few minutes, without wanting to be a woman. I have so much gender envy, and it is not when I see some beautiful young woman. My heart aches when I see 40ish year old normal women living normal lives. Why can't that be me?

I have now realized the extent of my dysphoria. I am not a man and the thought of being one is difficult.

She says we can be best friends, she is my best friend in the world, but can only see herself married to a man. I want to be kind, I want to be loving, it is so hard. I am both elated inside and devastated inside, while her world crumbles. Part of me wants to take things slow, which my therapist recommends, but my wife is more the "rip the bandaid off fast" type of person. We both don't know how things will look after. She is very open minded otherwise. We have a daughter who is pansexual, we have both always been more than accepting. I believe her when she says in the end we will still be best friends and need to find a way to be in each others lives and be parents to our kids. She sees Matt dying. Staying as Matt is a death for me, though (I would never do it, but the other day I had a bottle of ativan in my hand and so wanted to take them all to fall asleep and not wake up).

The other day, before this, when we where talking, I asked her for some of her thoughts about me. Though caring and kind, I have a grumpy side. My baseline mood is more quite and reserved, I don't smile much. I have depression and anxiety and have been on meds for years. I always thought something inside me was killed due to the abuse of my childhood. In therapy, it turns out that some of the abuse was because of my true nature and it was partially killed off in me.

I came out to 2 people this week. One was my best friend in medical school 20 years ago. We hardly talk now. She is a lesbian, and was one of my dearest friends. She was not surprised, she even said that it explains how I am the only "male" friend she has ever had. I wish I could have been brave enough to tell her about this side of me when we where younger. The other is my slightly younger sister, she is a modern orthodox Jew and we had a rough childhood relationship. I was just visiting her 2 weeks ago. We get along now, she is my closest sibling now. She was so kind and loving on the phone, and she too was not overly surprised.

today we talked with our two oldest daughters, now almost 18 and 16. It is my wife and I separating that scares them most, they love me and where so amazing. We have decided that, once I start to show and come out publicly, I will move to the basement. Ironic that we where just finishing putting in a small man cave.

The flood gates have opened. I wish I could close them and be the husband my wife and I envisioned and the couple that would grow old together. If she could accept me as a woman, I would want to be her wife, but I can no longer continue to live this lie and will be ok if we can be co parents and best friends.

Thank you for listening,

Madison Celeste

(still trying out some names, but I think I like this. Celeste was the name I had envisioned as a kid but feel it is too childish for a 44 year old woman so thought to use it for a middle name. I like Madison because I can then be Maddie, which is close to Matt)

 

Hi Beth

Your word are making me cry

You are right, K is so kind and caring. It is hard because she is the only person to ever love Matt. The problem is, I don’t. This feeling has come over me of wanting to be supportive for her and listen and be there to the best I can while being true to myself. I have never been me before this. I already find myself being there for her in ways I never could be as a husband. In the past, I always had ulterior motives and thoughts of myself. I could never just act out of selflessness. If it means being her BFF while she moves on later, that is what therapy is for . Even though I give up being a husband and that dream of being her wife will likely never happen, we are both determined to help me continue to be Aba (dad in Hebrew). And I feel I will be a better parent and friend.

My 15 year old was so cute. When she was little, she would call be Abie and asked if, when the time comes, she can call me that again. It made me cry (I have cried more in the past week than I have in a lifetime).

Thank you

Maddie C

 

Hi all

Wanderlost, I shared your amazing comment with K. It brought us both some tears. I just wanted to thank everyone, it helps knowing I am not alone

thank you

Maddie Celeste