I came out to my parents a few years ago, and they were immediately accepting of me, as best they could as two Catholics with very little LGBT+ knowledge. Just to be clear, I am so, so grateful that I had a decently positive coming out experience to my parents, because I know that a lot of people haven't. That being said, I've been dealing with some frustration with my parents when it comes to their passivity in regards to my sexuality. I feel like my sexuality is treated like my lactose intolerance. They'll ask me questions about it, out of curiosity, but I feel like they don't recognize the level of anxiety, self-hatred, and fear growing up queer in this world caused me - things I still am working through. I wish that they would want to learn more about something that has had a humongous impact on me, or at least participate in LGBT+ side of my life. The grand majority of their LGBT+ knowledge comes from me, either by their own questions, or, mostly, by conversations that I initiate. I've suggested that they attend a pflag event or another LGBT+ educational opportunity. Their response was that they're glad resources like that exist for people who need them, but they are satisfied with their current level of understanding. I feel hurt that they don't have a good understanding of something so important to my identity, and that they don't want to engage in this part of my life, by going to pride, or other LGBT+, events. It especially hurts when they express discomfort at certain LGBT+ topics. It's exhausting being their primary source of education on all things LGBT+. I want them to be my allies in this, and not just sometimes-observers. Am I crazy for feeling frustrated and angry by this? I feel like I'm snowballing it into something that it isn't, and that I'm acting ungrateful, but it's something that's causing me a lot of stress, and I don't know how to deal with it. Any advice on how to move forward? Has anyone else gone through a similar thing? Thank you in advance for any help!
I came out to my Catholic mother a couple years ago now and I was also lucky in that she completely changed her tune after I came out. The “being gay is a sin and a choice” woman became very accepting of my relationship with my wife. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect. She still voted for Trump, but she’s coming around at least on matters of sexuality. I was also lucky enough that while she asked me some questions, she sought out a lot of information online completely on her own. If you haven’t yet, I would direct your parents to more resources like that. If they ask you a question, send them to the PFLAG website or another resource. It would be great if they would attend an event like that, but they might be nervous about what it will be like, or they might be worried about what other people will think if they see them there. It might be easier to convince them to look at online resources, as they can do that on their own time and with their own level of privacy. When it comes to cis-straight people truly understanding the level of anxiety, self-hatred, and constant fear that comes to being a queer person, the truth is they can’t and they won’t. It’s something that has to be experienced to truly be understood. Anti-gay groups that insist “it’s a choice” wouldn’t be able to hold that view otherwise. Because, let’s be honest, who would choose to constantly have to come out to those around them, to be afraid of simply holding hands with the person they love? I wish I had better advice on how to get them to be more public allies but, the truth is, you can’t force them. You can ask them to attend these events and you can tell them how it makes you feel when they refuse. Hopefully, with time, they’ll see how important it is to you and be willing to put aside their own discomfort in order to support you. My best recommendation for you is to expand your support system. Do you have any family or friends that will attend these events with you?
Could you leave some PFLAG information just lying around on the side or something to kind of gently ease them into it?
