Extreme anxiety about sex with a man

Hello RJH
Have you recently come out? It can take a while to get used to a new life. I've been out 13 months now. I have an ex wife and three kids!
I will be really honest, I watched gay porn for a number of years. I used to be very uncomfortable with anal sex but now I'm comfortable. You may need time to adjust. I'm 43 are you younger or older than me? not that it's important. I hid my sexuality along time. Though I did enjoy sex with my wife but it was not always satisfying.

 

Exactly. I enjoyed sex with my wife, but it was not satisfying. I, too, watched gay porn, and she caught me a few times, too. I told her before we got married that I'd had feelings for man, and she said it didn't matter (we were both raised Roman Catholic). But, I feel she used me, too. She knew about my insecurities and took them as license to just do whatever she wanted, because I would always choose being married over facing that I was homosexual. I even worked two jobs to try to catch up with her credit card bills, etc. We adopted these two beautiful children from foster care in 2004 and she was so mean to the girl; I kept trying to mediate, but at the same time I was warning her (of course, she never took my threats seriously since I'd made them so many times). Then the girl tried to commit suicide (almost did) and that's when it was over for me emotionally. That was 10 years ago, when I was 43. She hasn't been able to control me since then; I began doing whatever I wanted (which didn't include dating men -- too bad!) and it's been very frustrating for her. I just left in February, though. The sex was okay, and I could fantasize, so I would have stayed if she'd treated me fairly in the marriage.

 

So your about the same age as me, 43, when we leave it's not easy, I've been left four months now.
How are your children doing now?

 

Hi Rade,
I'm 53 now (I stayed for 10 years after I'd given up, emotionally). My kids are grown. I have a healthy relationship with my son. How are things with your kids? What about your relationship with their mom? I've know a lot of divorced people who try to brainwash their children into hating their other parent -- hope this isn't happening to you.

 

Hello
Mum and I aren't divorced yet. She has been looking into it. We will divorce at some point.
The relationship with mum has been strained, very strained at times. But we are in a better place now. We are being civil to each other. 20 years was a long time together, I had alot of sad days but these are becoming fewer. I suppose you would call it grieving, but not that we will ever get back together, I'm too gay, but I'm learning to let go and move on. I think I'm nearly there and my counselling, I am going to stop soon. The key for me was counselling, she has been incredible.

The children aged 13,10 and 6, though they haven't had their birthdays yet this year. They are doing very well considering. They have adapted and love coming to see dad, I take them out.

My concern is safeguarding my ex has a BF, who lives with my kids. He has a 19 year old son who visits regular. I give the kids safeguarding talks. I contacted mum yesterday and asked her to do the same. I just worry about grooming. It's my duty to protect them.

Jon

 

Yeah, my eldest daughter is 13, will be 14 in July. She is quite switched on and fully understands safeguarding. My middle daughter will be 11 in August, again, she is mentally quite mature. My boy is 7 this September. He hasn't really got any understanding as such, and boys can be abused too. I've given them regular talks lately to wise them up.

If I hadn't married a woman I probably would have married a guy. And if no children would have travelled the world with him. I've met a couple guys on apps. Saw a guy four times but I ended it. Saw another guy once, then he let me down. They are both on the app still. Weirdly they both messaged me recently but I didn't bother to message back. A 24 yr old wants to meet me but he is a bit young. I'm not really that bothered. I've only been out 13 months so I'm still finding my feet, getting used to living alone. It's not the physical stuff as much but I get lonely too eg the companionship, coming home to someone and not an empty flat would be nice.

Life is busy working, juggling the children as I see them alot and keeping the flat tidy, gym and a couple LGBT groups etc.

I feel knackered at the moment. Need a break.
Jon

 

I know what you mean about coming home to someone, Jon. I definitely would have married a guy, if we even could have at that time, and probably adopted children (because they were/are a joy for me). I just can't help thinking that she ruined my life with her selfishness. I told her I was attracted to men, I even tried to break up with her (before we were married). Then I realize it was my own cowardice that ruined my life, my inability to admit I was/am gay and be okay with it. And, my inability to be sure of myself when she cried and begged me to stay. The list goes on. 2/3 of my life is over, but I'm on my way to being free and there's still 1/3 left!

 

Sexuality is very hard to accept. I know your 10 years older than me. But when we were younger it was against the law to be gay. Even gay marriage in the UK has only come about these past 20 years. Now it's seen as ok and people are more accepting of LGBTQ. I only came out at 42. I'm 44 in October and yes I've been sexually active with a couple guys but it's not been easy to find a partner.
I'm sure your focusing on your life now. Do you use any Apps, we can't mention the names on here. But I see plenty guys 55 plus on them. I think there has been a surge of people coming out these past few years. Especially in their 40s and 50s.
Do you attend any LGBT groups? I go to a few and they are like family to me.
Warm regards Jon

 

I don't use any Apps. Don't attend any groups. I have a few classes left to finish a graduate degree, so I've been putting my attention into that, but the separation (last month) set me back. I really don't know how "out" I am. She posted something on the most prevalent social media service about me, but since she'd threatened to do it a few weeks before, I unfriended all of her friends, even my own family members (who saw it, but don't live in our city) to prevent everyone I work with from viewing it. My boss might have seen it, but he's into super-confidentiality and it doesn't seem to have gotten to my workplace (yet?). She deleted the post after my brother's wife called and warned her about the legal implications. Wow, I just re-read this! (It's okay to laugh; I did). Well, that's a lot of disclosure.
Warm Regards to you;
-RJ

 

We come out when we are ready. I was 42 but I know a guy, known him just a little. He came out at 70 openly. I felt I needed to live an authentic life and one where I have no secrets. But it's up to you, who and when you tell people. I had counselling and that helped me to let go. I am so much happier and laugh everyday now. You might be perfectly happy being partly out.

I was recently told by one of my ex wives friends that she put something on social media about me. And it wasn't very nice apparently. But I didn't have Facebook then so I don't know. People use our sexuality as a weapon against us. But we have a right to be happy like everybody else.
Warm regards Jon

 

Yeah, you would think in 2019 people would stop judging others wouldn't you! Acceptance of LGBT has moved forward for sure but there is still a way to go. So many men can't accept their sexuality. I was one of them!

 

Me, too, Jon. If I may ask, did you have a strict upbringing i.e. Christian, etc., where it was considered a sin?

 

My upbringing wasn't strict, I'm Christian. But when I was young my parents would make comments. Not really bad but like oh he or she is one of them. They didn't seem very excepting. They are fine now. I tried the correct route, got married and had kids so they can't really say much.

In the UK it was against the law I'm sure, but things have changed alot in 20 years though.

 

This certainly speaks to me. I’ve only hooked with guys while in the closet so it always felt forbidden. Shame cause me a lot of problems. Does it just go away? I want to heal just don’t know how!

 

I’m jumping in kinda late...

I know you didn’t ask me, but I did grow up in an interesting home. It was in some ways strict and in others not. Like I had no curfew, mom knew when I was drinking (when I was underage) because I’d tell her there’s gonna be alcohol but I’m not gonna drive, etc. Masturbation was as evil as Hary Potter, and would send you to hell. Sex before marriage... no! Sex scenes, talk, nudity in tv and movies unacceptable (porn will send you to hell too). So when it came to sex and sexuality there was a lot of craziness put on it.

*the send you to hell beliefs aren’t mine they were want I was raised with and had to kinda over come....

I actually never hooked up with a guy... not till after I came out (age 28) and a couple months after my ex wife and I separated. But I felt that forbidden and shame feeling all through those years I wasn’t open to my sexuality when I was watching gay porn. For me, when I was coming out I went to therapy and said I had to separate out what is my voice and what’s been pushed on me. So I rethought everything and tried to sort out what was my beliefs were on the issue and what was my mom’s, the church I was raised in, society’s, etc. When I was able to really hear myself the shame about sex, masturbation, porn... at lot of stuff honestly, was easier to address.

 

I appreciate your honesty. Due to the same feeling I equated shame to immorality. So much so that I often needed to be intoxicated in order to be intimate with another man. I thought it was due to the fact that being gay was against the natural order of things. Now I’m starting to realize it is more about my feelings of being flawed rather than being gay.

 

Me, too. A lot of taboos around sexuality, even straight sex. My parents even slept in separate rooms (as sex was for the sole purpose of procreating). They found my Penthouse magazines one time and burned them! What if they'd found gay material???

I can understand experiencing a sort-of loss/rejection when a guy abruptly takes off the next day.

 

no problem on the honesty. It’s funny because I feel more secure in my spirituality now than ever. I feel people often use shame as a way to manipulate and control others. That’s not cool and has no place in faith in my opinion (juts my thought). No ones perfect but sex and all is just as natural as breathing. And it’s funny you say the natural order... I like to joke and say gays are the next step in the evolutionary process. Our world is gonna be destroy if we don’t get our over use of its resources under control and continue to risk over population.... hence the gays. We restore the balance lol it’s a joke but it’s fun to mess with people.