Epiphanies after coming out/realising you're LGBT?

Yup. Just realized I was bi--like REALLY bi, like 50/50 kind of bi--recently, and it was like...my entire life just made sense. I started thinking back on the things I think are attractive, and it was like 1. eyes 2. smile 3. hands 4. ass. Nothing gender specific. I started counting the work crushes I've had. 2 women, 3 men. Etc.
There have been some hard things about the realization, but the fact that I know I'm bi has been nothing short of a series of epiphanies and relief.

 

Yay for that. It's such a great place to be, isn't it?

 

Nail hit on the head.

I was always a true tomboy growing up. Clothing for me is about being utilitarian, not cute. I like cars and dirt and reptiles. I used to describe myself as a Drag Queen in a Woman's body. Makeup and dresses felt like a part on stage instead of who I was. Once I accepted I was bi my confusion went away. It actually took me about a year after coming out to realize that I wasn't overthinking the clothes I wore and had morphed into more of a hippy look than a butch one that included skirts sometimes. I was finally comfortable with my body since I wasn't trying to to repress part of who I was, and it felt like a sigh of relief.

 

Weird, I tried replying to you and ended up posting on my own blog. So strange! Anyway, yes, thanks!

Also, I found your insight about not being worried anymore about your gender identity once realizing you were lesbian to be really interesting. I'm glad that weight is off your shoulders!

 

Identity is a really interesting thing, and not being locked into your own (or my own) can make life very difficult to navigate. I feel like I am finally home, and that this particular home that I finally found was someplace inside of me.

 

I have also been very very picky with men.
I hated giving oral sex to men. In order to come , I'd have to fantasize a girl was going down on me, not a guy. Honestly, I thought it was the product of watching porn and being a visual person. I thought all women need this.
But when I am with a woman, there is no fantasy. I am present, my mind and body are there. That is what confirmed to me I am not meant to be with men.

 

Now I see that I notice women way more than men...my major epiphany was when I suddenly realized that I was in love with my female friend... That I couldn't take my mind off of her, and when we finally kissed, I felt fireworks that I have never felt before. It makes sense why sex with men was so difficult for me. Somehow, I still feel confused, though. I know I am not straight, but other than that, I m not there yet.

 

Oh yeah I definitely began remembering certain things that happened or certain aspects of my childhood that would have led someone to believe I wasn't straight. For a good part of my childhood I wanted to be a boy, I suppose that could be related to having a brother I looked up to, but that was kind of a phase. Sometimes I think of that and remember the things I used to say in imaginary play (like me and imaginary friends haha), talking about liking girls and other shit like that. I always wanted to play the boy when I was playing with my cousins or friends. I even went as far as to seeing a girl at basketball practice in middle school, thinking "wow, she's attractive" and then a few seconds later thinking "wait am I gay"
It all makes more sense now

 

Hmmm, good question CapColors...thinking...

There are many realizations, but a major one is that I learned to listen to myself and my 'experiencing' of life and desires as it was, not how it should be or could be. I explored the subject of sexuality with a psychotherapist/author and friend and know that academia journals and white papers on the subject are too clinical and sometimes unrealistic. I am not shy to say that I also had some influence in one of the chapters of a book about sexuality for psychotherpists and mental health professionals. And it is not because I'm all that or a genius or a naturally influential sort...rather because it was about asking the deeper questions and allowed my own 'experiencing' to be a significant, valid voice, as we all do when we just simply listen to ourselves and share as we are.

 

[/QUOTE]
I've always had a sort of man-blindness. I could be introduced to him one second and then not be able to pick him out in a crowd the next. Just figured I was terrible with faces.[/QUOTE]

Ha! Me too! Except I thought I had an intermittently, unpredictable, terrible memory. Until I realized that this blindness only happens with men. I don't really do that with women.

 

Another one I just realized was how I have always felt uneasy and uncomfortable about taking a shower and maintaining my personal body hygiene; and how this correlates to my feelings of disgust and hatred over my male body and how I absolutely hate touching it if I don't have to.

 

Makes total sense :icon_bigg

 

My first and only time being with a woman made me see this difference as well. Being present, no need for fantasy.

Sex with men has been good bad and in between for me, but usually required a lot of work to get into it, and to orgasm (female fantasies required)

 

I can totally relate to this. As you said, it required a lot of work and fantasies for me too, and I kept constantly checking out, not being present. The worse part was when I started feeling guilty because of the fantasies.

Also another epiphany just occurred to me yesterday. When with my female friends, especially in high scool and university, I always wanted to be only the two of us, and when some guy appeared (her boyfriend or even worse, some other guy who was trying to mingle with us, with some stupid pickup lines) I got always annoyed, wanted to get rid of him.
I had this best friend at uni, and I was in a relationship with a guy for a few months but still was more interested in spending time with her. And then she got together with a guy and told me that she is so sorry, but she is so in love and wants to spend more time with him. I felt soooo jelous.
And no, still didn't occure to me that I might be gay.

 

I had a similar situation in high school, though I wasn't dating anyone, a close female friend started seeing a guy. I was so intensely jealous. Not of her, but of him! :lol: