Hi everyone, I’m back from my break I took from the forum and took care of my mental health a little bit, which was honestly down in the dumps. Even my suicidal ideation came back, which was problably because I forgot to take my medication for a few days. I thought it has been a long time since I've taken it, so it should heal me, but it hasn’t. I was graving for that attention, that people would realize that I'm not well. I’ve had a chance to look into things deeper, if any of you read my previous thread, then you know my story. Though I said I wouldn't mention about it again, I still felt like talking about it. I didn’t have the best environment, where I grew up. I realize that now. I was always emotionally invalidated and my thoughts and opinions were rejected, so I think this is something that brought me a lot of mental health issues, which were never addressed. I also felt that I didn't belong anywhere at all. At home I feel a little bit like I belong, while I don’t have that feeling anywhere else, which is why I guess I’m trying to protect that place I belong to no matter what, even at the cost of my own well being. Home is this comfort zone, where everything you know is and people who have shown kindness and worry, so getting out of that comfort zone is a challenge, what I'm going to try. I'm taking it little by little, so I wouldn't overwhelme myself. I have a job interview coming up, so I'm hoping I get it. I have experience for this job and everything, so I could afford my own place in the near future. I don’t know how to break free from that feeling of only thinking of others, since I’m also a very emotional, sensitive and empathetic person. I always imagine how others would feel, not how I would feel and how would others handle things withouth me, so this puts me under pressure and make me feel, like I cause inconvinience and hardships to others like this. I have also always been a quiet person and avoided people. I had no individuality of my own. I just listened to others and never thought of myself. I have only now started to find my own individuality. I can sense that I’m moving towards my true self. When I realized who I am, then this feeling of being a lost soul started to lift a little bit. The last time I talked to my therapist she brought up a topic, where I mentioned to her that I liked the idea of being gender neutral and I tried going for a gender neutral way. And she probably was just curious what happened with that idea. But her bringing it up made me feel awful. Since I’ve been telling her how I would like to be addressed and that I feel good, when being referred to as a man and about my name, what she didn’t use, when she called me to move an appointment to another day. When I tried going gender neutral, then at one point it stopped working. I imagined myself being old and still stuck in this body, so it brought me a panic attack. And now it got mentioned again and I started to feel really dysphoric and was panicking too. It was so far the worst dysphoria I’ve had. The feeling of being dysphoric is always present, but mostly it’s not strong and I barely feel it, but if something triggers it, then it gets so strong that it makes me cry. I don’t like to seek validation, but my therapist mentioning this and telling me euphoria isn’t everything, made me feel invalidated, because it’s important to me. After experiencing euphoria I felt like I have never felt happiness and my wish is to become happy, so getting told that being happy isn’t everything feels invalidating. It was really hard to resist the urge to log back in, but I’m glad I took that little break. I do feel better, though I’m still a bit sick, since I got kidney inflammation, so now I’m taking it very easy. Long text, but I had a lot to say, so hugs for reading it. Love you all.
Hey Rain, Glad to see you back, but don't forget that your health is the most important thing. So if you need to take all the time you need, then it's OK. Sometimes, it's difficult to find the words when you try to comform and help anyone. And that's happening to me right now. I'm really sorry you've had that hard episode you mentioned. I can think, by your explanation, that your therapist hasn't been very empathetic at some points. Do you really feel comfortable with her? As for the euphoria thing you mentioned, I think it's OK to feel happy and optimistic. Anyway, being happy and euphoric is not the same. I mean there's no problem at all about feeling euphoric sometimes. But normally that's a state of your mind that doesn't prevail for a long time. You can also find happiness in being calm and in peace with yourself, or in pursuing your objectives and dreams, etc. Also, you know that I have a mental illness which I have mentioned to you before, and I know by experience that too much euphoria for a very long time can cause instability in your mental health. If there's any doubt, there's not any intention to invalidate your feelings and your emotions. You know that you're my friend and I try to express myself in the best way possible for you. Even though, I make a lot of mistakes because I'm not precisely an expert in human emotions. Anyhow, I'm happy to see you here. Hugs and loads of love. Take care.
Hey @BlueLion, thank you very much. She is the best one I can get right now, but also I think it's all miscommunication on my part and that makes me anxious. She has been friendly and there are only these instances I mentioned, otherwise she has been supportive and helpful too. Maybe I am mixing these two happiness and euphoria in my mind. I feel like I'm obsessed. I have experienced euphoria only once, but it was very strong emotion. It was amazing. I've been trying to experience it more and more. It's my end goal. It's not being in peace with myself, but it's about being able to experience this feeling again. Back when I experienced it first I wasn't taking any medication or substance either. I have borderline personality disorder. I'm not diagnosed, but I'm 100% sure of it, because I experience all of the symptoms. My mood swings are always intense. Kinda makes sense too, why I keep changing my professions. I'm going to see, if I get diagnosed. It's okay. No worries. You make a lot of sense. Thank you. I'm glad, when people direct me in the right direction, because it helps see other viewpoints. Glad to be back. Hugs and loads of love to you too and take care.
I think you should tell her that, and you should discuss what these feeling mean about what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable with. Glad to see you back too I hope you're feeling better now and that you heal from the kidney inflammation soon too.
Thank you. I am feeling better. This break was needed. It helped me to get back on track, since my mental health started to get bad again. I will tell her. I just get very anxious, because I immediately think that others will feel bad and uncomfortable because of it, when I tell how stuff makes me feel.
If she has been nice and supportive, so far, it's safe to tell her. And there is no shame in feeling a certain way and talking about it. It's normal. And it's a healthy way to communicate. Instead of, like, getting mad at someone and not telling why, for example. If you don't tell others how things make you feel, they can't make you feel good even if they want to. I could be clueless in such a situation, for example.
