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Dumb little rambles of a Dumb little teenager :")

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by PlutoTheOpposum, Apr 9, 2023.

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  1. PlutoTheOpposum

    PlutoTheOpposum
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    TW; Meds, S*icidal ideation, etc

    Um, Hi! So I need advice I guess. This is mostly me rambling but I do think I need help.
    Lately my mood has been on a roller-coaster of sorts. Yeah, I get that it's probably just me being a "mOodY tEeN", but I don't know. My moods have been so extreme.
    The way it usually goes is that I'll be really happy for a month or two. I won't really have as many intrusive thoughts, and I just have a lot more energy. I actually wanna be here, yknow? And like I don't feel as insecure during that point. But I also feel more impulsive, I guess. Like I have a harder time stopping myself.
    And then, the next month-----fwshhhh. I'm all the way back in my pit. I get TERRIBLE thoughts, some of which I have acted on and led me into the hospital (twice, almost 3 times haha) During this time is when i go into either the 'binge' or 'starve' part of that little cycle I'm stuck in. It's one or the other. Right now it's definitely the 'binge' one.
    Um, but what I'm trying to get at is--I keep fooling myself. I keep fooling myself and the people around me into thinking I'm getting better. And then I'll go and relapse. And then I'll go and do some dumb sh* that ends me up in the hospital. But that's why I think I need to be in the hospital. I feel stupid even saying that, because I know my parents and doctors just see me as an attention-seeker. And I know my parents' trust towards me with just completely diminish. But the thing is, I have PLANS. I have plans that I can act on whenever I want. MY fate is in MY hands, and I don't like that. It's like giving a crazy person the wheel of your car and saying, "go ahead, drive over this bridge with me!" It's just so unpredictable. I don't know if I might snap and just do it. And that's also why I think I'm just attention-seeking, because if I really wanted this, why would I actively be going out of my way to find "help"? To stop myself?
    It sucks, too, because my meds haven't really worked. Not my Prozac, nor my Zoloft. None of it's working. Everybody thinks it does, but then they act like the KNEW when it turns out it DIDN't work.
    Oh, also, the point I was trying to make; My parents want me to get a job. My mom says she's been trusting me a lot more and trying to stand up for me to let me DO stuff like this, but she said she'd take it all back if I do anything stupid (anything related to my poor mental health)
    I wanted to ask for help anyways, but now it's just that much harder. If I go to the hospital, they'll know I was lying about being clean and being OKAY. And then they'll never trust me again. But if I don't go, I just know I'm gonna cave in and do it one day. I don't know when, but all I need is that one little push, and I'll go cascading over the edge.
    So yeah. What should I do??
    I'm sorry I've taken to this wholesome website to vent about my problems. I've just been thinking about it a lot.
    Any and all advice is appreciated. <3 :frowning2:
     
    #1 PlutoTheOpposum, Apr 9, 2023
  2. Wanderlost

    Wanderlost
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    You should seek help. Real help. I don't even know how much I can stress this enough right now. Screw the worries about lost trust, attention seeking and all that, you will get the trust back in time. Your parents probably feel like dangling the carrot of more freedom and responsibility will encourage you to strike out and be independent, which will then in turn help your confidence, which will in turn make you love life more. This surely could work. But "adulting" can also be hard, even harder than what you are going through now, and your current state of mind is not one that should be taking on more when you aren't handling what already is. I'm not a stranger to suicide. The ones you leave behind will live the rest of their lives missing you and wondering what they could have done, should have done. The guilt will eat at them, and they will forever miss what could have been. You need to be totally transparent here and tell someone that your medication isn't working like it should, and that you're struggling to stay afloat. I'm sorry if this is hard for you or anyone else to read. But it's from my heart. There are tons of things you could try to improve your mood, like some exercise, getting some sun, (vitamin D) or taking supplements, but the thoughts you have are probably from a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is why it's up and down so much. *huge hugs* Please hang in there. You mean far more to those you know that you can ever imagine.
     
    #2 Wanderlost, Apr 9, 2023
    Lek likes this.
  3. quebec

    quebec
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    Pluto.....The night that I came out here on Empty Closets I came very close to making a very bad decision. The wonderful people here on EC saved me from myself that night and the eight years since then have been some of the best of my life. There is so much out there in the big, wide world waiting for each of us...waiting for you. There are friends you haven't met yet, there's even a person out there who is your soul mate that you just haven't met yet. Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that the future has so much more waiting for us that it outweighs the darkness that we may be facing right now. The darkness will fade away, the light will come and there is so much joy...we just haven't got to it yet. It's only around the corner. Sometimes it feels like there's no hope that things will ever get better THAT'S A LIE! Look to the future with your eyes wide open and you will see some wonderful things waiting for you to get there. Those wonderful things are actually already there...you just haven't gotten to them yet! :old_big_grin: Take a deep breath and hang in there and you will arrive at those things one at a time. Believe me you won't be disappointed! :old_wink:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #3 quebec, Apr 9, 2023
    Lek and Wanderlost like this.
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