Ive had enough of waiting, searching through forums and asking myself questions about my sexuality. I really have no idea and cant play the role of self councilor any more about this topic. I need outside help from others who may have experiences like mine so I'm just going to be honest here. I'm going to write a little bit about myself as well since it might help me work this out myself. I'm a 17 year old male and have always felt a lot older, finding relationships in primary pointless and unrealistic in high school . But there were times i did have crushes ; my first was a girl in school when i was about 10 and i had a tendency to do whatever i could for her, giving her gifts and things she liked, she lost interest and i did too when she started to like the school bully. Next was another i felt i had a connection with, she liked to read, was a deep thinker and just she interested me. I finally had the courage to ask her out after about a year, but after a couple of weeks, she lost interest and dated another boy and i lost interest not long after. There was one more girl that i liked to hang out with and would often visit, we were dirty little kids with dirty ideas and i found her funny, but when she had feelings for me i didn't for her. These were just little kids finding out about ourselves and experiencing new things, but in that same school i met my best friend . I had a huge crush on her for a very long time and we were inseparable, i would call her daily, sit by her in class and go on holidays with her family often. we practically lived with each other, we dated in intermediate school but she confronted me one day and felt that dating was awkward, i heard then on about all these other boys she liked but i still only had feelings for her. I spent most of my younger years with girls, one at a time and didn't have time for anyone else. Before starting high school (I was 14), she gave me the news that her and her family were moving (a town 10 hours drive) about a month before they did, suddenly there was no time for us as they were packing but she managed to have one more weekend with me before she moved. This was our first kiss, we snuck out onto the farm, talked a bit and told each other we wanted to kiss before she moved as we knew we wouldn't see each other for a long time. We walked back silently home with butterflies and i was more worried that she would feel awkward from then on, she did. I started high school with no friends and only people i barely knew. I had developed an accent, it was a female accent so when my voice dropped, i sounded incredibly gay. I was bullied and extremely shy. I started drama to build up my confidence (which it has). I was in a bad position, no friends, bad times at home with a bad step dad, bullied at school, i felt i had nowhere to belong and got extremely depressed. There were many times i contemplated suicide, but i also felt it was pointless and had experienced it when others had committed suicide, so i convinced my self each time it wouldn't fix anything. I always put on a smile in school and did what i was told, i grew up in a strict household, so i had manners and always had "A very friendly student with great manners" written in my school reports. I didn't have feelings for anyone during this time, in fact i was convinced i loved my best friend once she moved. My mum broke up with my step dad once i told her i wanted to live with my dad (a nightmare of a father who my mum divorced when i was 6) when i was 15 (a year through high school). We moved towns and i had a new start, still working on my gay accent i knew i had. I started school and still hadn't completely learn how to talk like a guy, i was asked what country i came from multiple times but i was still better off there than at the last high school. My confidence was better and i made my way through a couple of groups before settling with some great people. I had lost feelings for my best friend too by now and haven't had a crush since. I have a majority of female friends but a few male friends. I don't have sexual thoughts on anyone but a while back, things had changed. I convinced myself that i wanted to have sex with one of my guy friends who i knew had a sexual experience with a guy previously, I did have sexual thoughts about him and still occasionally do, but I've never approached him in this way. I always have second thoughts though and i only feel this way when I'm alone, when I'm with him i don't think that way, but a few weeks ago he wore these really tight chinos and i couldn't help but look at his crotch. Of coarse this got me aroused but i don't accept these feelings and think of other things. I don't get turned on by females, I'm not actually sure, in person no, and neither from porn (i used to experiment with my thoughts to see if i could determine my sexuality and found that gay porn does turn me on while straight porn doesn't). I can be turned on my males, easily, porn and in person but i don't actually think about these things unless they do things to make me think of things. I have a reputation for being really slow on the dirty jokes. I don't have emotional feelings for the opposite sex or same sex at all. I prefer to be alone but when i am upset i just really want to hold someone and be held back. I'm having a tough time wording this but at my high school I've told my close friends I'm Demisexual, no one questions my sexuality; strangers or people i know. People who don't know me assume I'm straight (i can talk like a guy now and am willing to appear confident). I know now I'm not Demisexual but there is a lot to do with Demisexuality that i can associate with. Demisexual - AVENwiki I hope you can grasp some ideas from this and feel free to ask questions, actually please do. I want to be able to categorize my sexual orientation but usually when thinking about it i just get depressed. I tell myself that ill just have to live though it and find out in time but I'm sick of that, my goal in life is to have a wife and kids, but i don't know if i can be happy with that if I'm not entirely satisfied with my sexuality. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2013 at 05:05 PM ---------- To add more on, I never had a lot to do with my dad so there is a gap there. Hes never wanted much to do with us. In fact i wouldn't care if he died tomorrow just to emphasize how much i don't have feelings for him. When around him we (3 siblings) have to act perfect, watch what we say and if we step out of line we let the other under the bus. I avoid contact, I have reasons and it really doesnt bother me. Another point is that i have had contact with a child molester which ive been told kissed me on the lips with his tongue in my mouth multiple times. My parents met him on holiday and couldn't get him away, he would visit us and in the end after many times telling him to never come back again, he never did. I dont know the details, I was four and should have memory of this but dont remember him at all. I think i need assurance. Do straight guys fantasize about girls all the time and always think of them? Is that why they dont hang out with them? Do guys hang out with other guys because they think the same?
