So, I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I want to come out completely...but I literally have no idea how. I think part of that is that I don't know how I even identify. Long story short on that: I've always told people I'm bi because it's easier and part of me still feels like I am...but I've never actually done anything with a girl and I get off to gay porn so I think I might actually be gay but in denial. If I'm not entirely sure...how can I come out as one or the other? I've slowly come out to friends since I was about 13, but even then I always came out over text and never really talked about stuff. I only came out to someone verbally for the first time when I was 18 with a friend I made in college, and even then I don't think I ever actually said the words. Now, I'm 21 and am at a place where I want to just be out completely but it scares me. Friends: My friends I'm not too scared about. I feel like those that I'm not out to will take it well, I'm mainly just worried about the friendship dynamic being changed between me and my guy friends. We're touchy feely and while I'm not into them, I feel like a wrong message will come across. And I'd want to tell everyone that I care about at once...but we're all rarely together. Family: Family is the big issue. I feel like this isn't something to do over text and it should be done in person but that's where I get really scared because...I've only ever come out to someone verbally once. And I feel like my family will take it relatively well, I just don't have a strong relationship with them. Mostly, it's just always tense. I disagree with them on a lot of stuff. Out of everyone I probably have the best relationship with my mom and worst~ with my dad. For example with them, for years I held back on telling my mom certain books I wanted for my birthday or Christmas because they're clearly gay and when asked what movie I'm going to see with a friend on Tuesday (Love, Simon) I avoided giving the actual answer. Any advice would be appreciated. The only person I've talked about this with so far is one of my only friends left from high school and he's dead set on that I should do it...but I don't know how to approach it at all.
Hey Chierro, It is what it is. But, in my opinion, a person should know himself BEFORE Coming Out. Ultimately, your age is irrelevant. When you come to an understanding and acceptance of your own sexuality is on your own terms. Don’t fight it. Go with the flow and just be you. When you are ready. When you feel things are right for you, then they are. Be strong, my friend!
I think the thing for me just is that I've always come out as bi to friends, but part of me feels like I'm gay. And then my lack of sex drive most of the time makes me feel like I'm ace (but that's a lesser thought since I have a logical reason for no sex drive). And admittedly, I just feel scared to say "I'm gay" and I don't know why it scares me but it does. I feel like I know, I just don't know if I'm willing to admit it to myself. And while I know age is irrelevant, I have time pressure on me because of my major and most of my friends graduating this semester. I'm an education major, so I plan on becoming a teacher...and it's kind of hard to meet people when you're a teacher. I'd love to meet someone while I'm still in college but idk how I could if I'm not being honest with myself or the people I care about.
Is there a friend that you trust or will not judge you. Come out to them. Say you are gay. Say it if you truly believe in your heart you are. Listen! Never be ashamed. If anything be confident and even forceful as you are a proud person. I love hearing of those about to come out for the first time and need that nudge. I am with you all the way Chierro. Back in 2015 I came out to a friend...and I recall the exact words. I told her I have something to share with her....So…I said to her “M…………, I have something to share with you – I am discrete about this but at the same time do feel I need to tell you and that is that I am coming out of the closet…slowly. I am gay”. Never regretted it.
Hey Chierro, I feel for you! Truly, I do. But, playing the Devil's Advocate, I have to ask if you might not be putting undue pressure on yourself because of your desire to "know" your sexuality. Time and timing isn't really as big an issue as you seem to think it is. I was 23 before I understood that I am Bi. And it took another two years after that for me to truly accept my sexuality. How devastating do you think that was to my dating and sex life? Ultimately, l became much maturer than my peers during those years - and, by default, much more appealing as a long-term partner to people of both genders. Honesty is another issue.
I’ve actually been wanting to do just that for a while. I have one friend from high school I still talk to and he was one of the first people I ever came out to. Last semester I was having a really tough time and knew he was in town so I asked if he could come over to my apartment. He was sadly with his girlfriend. He’s someone that I’d feel comfortable doing this with (saying it in person and in general), but our schedules don’t normally line up since he goes to school an hour away and when he’s in town it’s to see his girlfriend.
There’s nothing I appreciate more than a Devil’s Advocate. I do think I’m putting undue pressure on myself but I feel like that’s mostly because of just wanting to do it once and not having to again. If I come out as bi but am really gay, I feel like I’ll be obligated to clarify and vice versa (even though I know I won’t be obligated). And all the guys I know from school that are out know themselves and seem to be comfortable being them and I guess I’m envious. And I guess my thing with timing is that the field I’m going into is pretty much known for a lack of a social life and constant scrutiny over said social life. I know I can wait and take my time, but this just feels like something that I want to feel comfortable with myself before graduating...and I’ve got just more than a year before that. I don’t want to regret not being me all four years of college.
Chierro- Your question certainly has many points of thought... I recently came out to about a dozen friends and family, this was after living a fake heterosexual life. I never went through the bi stage and even though I’ve not been with a guy, I know I’m gay. You don’t have to choose right now, but I suspect you want to get this off your chest. Find that good friend and tell him how you feel. You could say you are bi, but you feel you are probably gay, which would cover your bases. Waiting for the perfect time didn’t work for me. I wasted a lot of years hiding my feelings, when I should have been exploring them. I pray I find someone to share my life with, so don’t pass on your opportunities because time passes quickly. As for gay teachers- they are just as common as the rest of the population. I suspect they stay in the closet because of how they would be perceived. However, schools are becoming more open and how great would it have been for us to have had a gay teacher? We need role models and a gay teacher would be beneficial to many students. I have 2 very close male straight friends. I came out to them and then told them not to worry I wouldn’t hit on them. They were so great, they just laughed and said not to worry! They hug me all the time and it’s never uncomfortable. So, just be yourself and don’t worry about people, they will come around better than you think. Good luck- the great thing about life is as long as you are alive, there is always the opportunity to change your mind or correct things. Just be yourself and the rest will sort itself out. Best of luck to you!!!
I have to agree with Quantumreality that you are putting pressure on yourself. A quick suggestion. Practice. Find someone you do not know and in conversation (when appropriate) tell them you are gay. I found that built up my confidence so that I could tell someone later who I did know.
My parents don't know that I'm lesbian so I have some idea what you are going through. I started doing a thing to help me talk to my friends about my sexuality. When I'm by myself I will look in the mirror and say " I am lesbian and that's okay." It my sound kind of stupid but it works. I found that after saying it so may times that it kind of easy to come out to my friends. plus when I came out to them I felt proud with myself. It took guts but in all reality great things naturaly do. I wish you the best of luck my friend.
To me, it sounds like you know who you are, and are ready to do this... it's just the fear getting in the way. And I think that's something everyone faces. Many people describe coming out as like ripping off a band-aid. It is scary and hurts for a fraction of a second, and then it's done. It sounds like your parents will likely be fine with it, so you could, if you choose, do it by text or email. Lots of people do that, and while it may be less "formal" than doing it in person, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. And lots of people come out to friends over Facebook or text, so I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. Also, I think the fears about your male friends are probably unfounded. It's a common fear, but most of the people on EC that have done this find that their friends are just fine. (Some have related stories where suddenly their male friends come up to them in the gym showers and ask for an opinion on their "package". Awkward.) So while I agree you may be putting unnecessary pressure on yourself, I also think you can move this forward in a variety of ways if you feel like you're ready to do so.
Hey Chierro, I know how you feel. First I want to say that I am just about a decade older than you and were sort of dealing with the same issues, so don't feel like your behind in life. And for me at first I thought I was completely gay until I fell in love with one of my best friends who was a woman and realized that I wasn't. I get off to gay porn as well but all of my actual sexual experiences have been with woman and I enjoyed them all. Maybe you should just be open to people you feel a connection with and go from there, just a suggestion. And I wish I could give you more advice on how to come out to people but I don't have a lot of experience with that myself. But I will say that people might surprise you, I came out to my immediate family and they were like yea we don't care. They are actually urging me to come out completely, but that's another story. But anyway good luck friend, your not alone in what your dealing with and how you are feeling.
So...haven't responded in a few days, so...some updates: I saw Love, Simon tonight and it actually inspired me...a lot. So, I took my family group chat and just sent a text coming out. No responses as of yet, so slightly terrified still...but I did it. Right after I did it I had my one friend that I've been out to since 7th grade call me and he talked with me for about 15 minutes and just let me...talk. So...that's my life.
So, update! I've had a busy week (which included my boss not rehiring me for next year by email and our school van running out of gas on the way back from Baltimore), but I'm finally finding time! My family took it well. They were all sappy and what-not. My mom and my sister did the whole "We've known for a long time" thing. I didn't get a lot of sleep that night but...it felt good. I saw everyone then on Friday and no one made any big deal out of it, so I was happy with that. Thanks everyone for your support , onto my friends next!
Awesome! You know the Empty Closets community shares in your accomplishment. Here is to your happiness for many years to come!!
