Don't feel comfortable with where I'm at in life

Almo-Welcome!

First of all, as for coming out to your family, I think you might find that it won't be such a big surprise to them, at least to your mom, because of what happened when you were 11. I think it's unlikely that she will have forgotten. It seems that many times parents (especially mothers) often have already figured it out, that a child is gay, and what we see as coming out to them is really just confirming what they have known all along. So coming out to parents and family is not always like a bolt out of the blue.

As for telling a few people and thinking it would spread to others, people do tend to be gossipy, but really, if you want someone to know you need to tell them, and not leave it to chance.

You say that you don't feel that you fit in with your local gay scene, and I don't know where you are or anything about the local gay scene there, but I would say that in most places, there isn't A gay scene, there are probably many gay scenes. What I mean is, gay people often tend to be just as clique-ish as other people, and they tend to gravitate toward other gay people who share common interests. There are gay men who are very politically involved, and there are gay men who couldn't care less about politics. There are gay men who love classical music, and there are gay men who love pop music. Some gay men are really into the bars, while others prefer to socialize in each other's homes with dinner parties, cocktail parties, etc., etc.

What I'm trying to say is that you might consider keeping on looking until you find others who share your interests-other gays who like to do the same things you do. And remember, you might not find a lot of these people in bars. Look elsewhere. And I might add here, that you need to be very clear on who you are personally before you try and create a larger gay community for yourself. I didn't really begin making gay friends before I came out, because I was much more open to other people because I was out and comfortable with your myself.

Finally, you say that coming out might hinder your career progress, and I can tell you...it very well might. I have to be honest. On the other hand, it might not. I have known a few people who denied their gayness in order to advance their careers, and it almost always turned out badly. In a sense you are saying that you would rather have a successful career than be an out and proud gay person. Do you really feel that way? Like I said, I have known gay people who chose career over being out, but I have known many, many, many more gay people who came out and then went on to do very well in their chosen careers. The pressure and strain of being closeted in the work place will eventually catch up with you...take my word for it. We always do our best work when we are open and free and happy.

For me it boils down to this, the freedom and happiness that comes from being out and proud and HAPPY in life is worth so much more than career success gained by pretending to be someone you are not.

You owe it to yourself, and to your future, to be genuinely who you are!

 

I think Romancer is spot on about the variety of the community.

I would add that, while I don't know what your career is, remaining closeted may not have the effect you think it is. It seems to me that people can tell, not that you're gay necessarily, but that you're holding something back. They may wonder if you're gay, but they may just feel like you're cold or unfriendly or like you're lying about something they just can't put their finger on. Unfortunately whatever they imagine will likely be more relevant and frankly worse than the truth. I remember when I came out to my conservative Mormon father in the very early nineties he commented that it was like there had always been this thing between us and he couldn't figure out what it was or how to get past it and now that he knew it seemed doable. I remember my Mother commenting that it was like I was finally really here.

As far as how that plays in your career--again, I can only speak to mine. I'm in finance. It's a real old boys club--the few women tend to act like straight men and there are virtually no gay people. But you know it just hasn't been a problem. I'm the genuine one and people appreciate it.

I had a client meeting a while back--first meeting with a client who was pretty much auditioning advisors. A few minutes into the meeting he pointed out the etched crystal name plate I have on my desk. He commented that you didn't see a lot of men with hyphenated last names and asked how that came about. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned about where this was going, but I explained that one name was my original surname and the other was my husband's. We combined them when we got married. And then I practically held my breath and waited... And his whole body language relaxed and the meeting became much more relaxed. By the end of the meeting he had decided that he would be canceling the other auditions he had planned and he would like me to handle his accounts. On the way home that day I told my husband about the meeting. He wondered if the client might be gay. I didn't think so and I've got very good gaydar, but I supposed maybe... Well, that client and I have worked together pretty closely since and I feel really confident that he's not gay. Finally I just asked him. I asked him if he remembered our first meeting and in particular if he remembered the same moment I did. And he basically said oh right, that's when I decided to go with you. I asked why and I'll always remember his response: "when was the last time you met someone in your field and within minutes were actually taken aback at how surprisingly honest they were."

Being genuine isn't just about your personal life...