Does the actual act of sex mean anything in terms of sexuality?

I chose the label "gay" as a "working" title , I had sex with girls before which was neither good nor bad . Porn is not an accurate indicator of sexual orientation .
Do you enjoy sex with your gf ? is there emotional bond with her ? if yes then you might be Bisexual , only you can decide .

 

I think sex plays a huge roll in sexual orientation but more like who you like to sleep with it also goes in hand with who your romantically attracted to as well . That's why it's called sexual orientation it's focused on who you like sleeping with who your have sexual attraction and sexual desire to sleep with . And sexual desire is also sexual attraction .
The sex act doesn't count when some one is doing it for survival , money , and when they can't accept themselves or if they can't find the people they desire to sleep with .
When your seeking it out just for enjoyment and you don't have these troubles I think it's because your actually sexually attracted to the gender you sleep with or genders. And trans women are women so to me that's still straight I don't count that as gay . I think your bi plus don't use porn to tell your sexual orientation people get turned on by things in porn they wouldn't do in real life it was just made to get people off no matter what they were into

 

A lot of things can happen in the heat of the moment, which don't necessarily mean you're one thing or another. I knew I was very much attracted to guys, got off on gay porn, fantasized exclusively about guys, but for the first several years that my wife and I were together, I had absolutely no problem having sex with her, and we had a few marathon sessions as well. I had plenty of feelings for her, and gay or straight, sex feels good (and I'm something of a touch freak, so the feeling of skin on skin gets me going nicely when I'm starved for it).

But as many of the guys in the Later in Life section can attest to, it wasn't something I could sustain for the long run. Eventually I just had no interest in doing it, partly because I wanted the feeling of a guy in my arms, but also (and probably more importantly), I wanted an emotional connection with a guy. There are things I'd still be willing to do with a woman if it was the right moment and the right woman, because I did enjoy them, but to be totally hones, I just can't envision either the right time OR the right woman anymore. The thought of a vagina doesn't make me recoil in horror the way it does with some gay guys! But I absolutely can't imagine any compelling reason to seek out anyone WITH one and do anything with her, either.

As has already been said, do you have a real emotional connection with your girlfriend? Is the thought of sex with a guy (or a transsexual) something that you feel a real compulsion towards? A craving for? If you clear your mind completely and fantasize about having sex with someone, is it a man or a woman? Try to fantasize doing it with a woman, then later, with a guy. Which seems more appealing? Fun? Mind-blowing?

I'd hesitate to make any kind of judgment about what you are with so little real information. Only you can figure that out. Keep an open mind and be honest with your girlfriend about what you feel - this isn't something you want to bring up casually 5 years from now or something! But whether it means anything really depends on what you feel deep inside you.

 

In my case straight sex did not feel 'wrong', we are human and can enjoy others touch/ intimacy.
It took me along time to figure out that I am more at the gay end of the spectrum because of that.
The difference for me was that in a romantic relationship I cannot connect emotionally and sexually to a guy, I always felt like there was some kind of disconnect between my mind and body and crucially between me and my partner.

So I guess it really depends on that, as others said above: can you connect intimately with your female partner? Do you feel like your relationship is satisfying to you?
Do you think about ever having a relationship with a guy? Do you have any romantic attractions to guys?

 

Well....kind of yes, kind of no?

Sexuality is based on who you're sexually attracted to. With that being said, It's possible to be gay and have sex with women for a variety of reasons.

You are curious
You are closeted
You haven't figured it out yet
So on and so fourth...

Any kind of sex can be enjoyable regardless of who you like. It's who you're actually attracted to in what counts!

You sound more on the side of the bisexual spectrum now, but you may always figure out you are gay later.

 

I have been emotionally attracted to men, however I have never been sexually attracted. I have had sex with men and hated every second of it. I feel as if that has defined my sexuality. I have also had sex with women and loved it--craved it. I define as lesbian because I could only see myself long term with a female because eventually I would want to enjoy sex.

 

yes.

but mostly the first part of your statement. how you identify is up to you and that can change. i identified as totally straight but now........ i feel Bi. that can change, i don't know if it will but it could. it's kind of like that old saying "the only constant is change."

 

^ Right. I don't think our orientation changes necessarily - I think we become more in tune with it - or more accepting or open to it as time goes on. Society conditions us to assume we're straight - so sometimes the gay attractions and desires don't surface. We fight them - either consciously or unconsciously.

Now that you're talking about it and thinking about it, things might start to shift in your outlook.

And to answer your question - my sex life started out has heterosexual. And I thought it was pretty good. My wife and I had what I thought was a satisfying sex life. And then I had sex with a guy, and realized that I really wasn't that into her. So like Choirboy, I can't imagine ever being with a woman again, even though my wife and I had a physical relationship for over 10 years that I didn't mind and I think she found to be quite satisfying. But now I would consider myself gay.

 

Some of the realization also depends on what you've been exposed to and what you've been conditioned to expect out of life. I came from a big Catholic family full of people who were married by 25 at the very latest, and had up to 8-9 kids apiece, and never, ever talked about sex. No one was out and gay--in fact, no one was even SINGLE except the uncle who became a priest! So even though the cute boys always did catch my eye, being gay wasn't even a blip on the radar and I assumed that I just hadn't met the right girl, but once I did, everything would fall into place.

By the time I started considering the possibility of being gay, I had also come in contact with 2 or 3 gay men who fulfilled every negative gay stereotype out there, and since "gay" was considered more of a lifestyle choice than an orientation at the time, it still wasn't appealing even though I still liked guys far more than girls. (And to be honest, I was pretty unappealing and insecure as a teen....) By the time I met my wife, I was so starved for love and sex that I was happy ANYONE was interested in me. But - telling factor - even though we'd be in bed for hours on end sometimes, I didn't ever fantasize about her when we weren't together. And I had a stash of gay porn that turned me on like nothing else, and I was always glad to have a break from her so I could watch it. That should have been a very clear sign but I really was very naive and clueless, and I just couldn't bring myself to add everything up.

So R.J. - When your girlfriend isn't around, do you fantasize about her? If you're masturbating, is she on your mind, or are you thinking of some guy or transsexual in a porn video (or some hot guy that maybe you passed on the street)? What do you get out of your relationship with her that, perhaps, you might not get out of a relationship with a guy? I ask that because with my wife and me, being with her validated the whole programming in my head about a wife and kids and living like a "normal" guy. I can't bring myself to say I was "using" her, but I suppose, really, I might have been unconsciously doing just that.

All you can really do is consider all of your feelings and desires, and try to sort them out, and see what's really coming from inside you, and what might be something triggered by outside factors. The early experiences with straight porn may have triggered real feelings, or they may have just been the next best thing. Your relationship with your girlfriend could be 100% real, or it might be just getting caught up in the moment with someone you genuinely care for, but may or may not be able to sustain feelings for.

If I could put my hand on your head and read your thoughts, I'd do it for you, believe me. This kind of soul-searching is a tough thing to do, and I'm betting there's a lot more ricocheting through your brain than you're telling in your posts. Make sure you allow yourself the time to think and feel (and I hope I didn't blow your mind with all the thoughts and questions!).

John

 

Hi Reed,

I would say it took several years together before I really started losing interest. We were together a couple years before we got married, and our older child was born about 4 years after we got married. By that time I was very definitely not into the sex the way I used to be. Part of it, though, is that she has got some emotional issues that were already starting to take their toll on our relationship. If it wasn't for that, and some general lack of imagination on her part, I really think I might have stayed interested a lot longer. By the time our younger child came along, I was pretty much avoiding it unless she initiated it. Really, if she had been more focused on us as a couple, I'm not sure what would have happened. As we drifted away from sex, I drifted towards porn, and it was always men.

I really did love her (or thought I loved her) at first. Considering that I've been very squeamish about just ending the marriage without making sure she's provided for, I suppose I still do. I know I felt very desperate to have a family (when we got together, several very close family members had died and I was close to 30 and was starting to feel very alone). I've often wondered if I was just using her. My emotions were a train wreck at the time so it would be hard to tell. For you - if you were using here, it would be FOR something in particular. From what you've described, I'm not sure that I see that - it sounds like there's some genuine feeling there, and you don't appear to be trying to escape something you don't understand by being with her. unless I'm misreading your posts?

As far as fantasizing about women - basically never. I can visualize specific sex acts and think I might enjoy them, but when I look at anyone in public, it's always men and really, always has been. Your sexuality definitely sounds somewhat more complex than mine. I'd have a hard time considering myself anything but gay, but you seem much less black and white about it.

 

Hi, you seem to be struggling with who you are deep down. From your questions here it is not possible to know - we're all only scratching the surface and responding with whatever resonates with us. If you have a steady girlfriend, love her and are sexually attracted to and active with her - then you are a lucky guy. Still, there is this thing that is bugging you - your fantasy erotic release is mixed, especially transsexual and gay porn. One thing I'm not sure I agree with choirboy about is the question of whether you fantasize about your gf. I don't think fantasies are usually about your reality! Aren't they a little private space where you push against boundaries, do wild things you probably would never do in "real life"?
The big thing is authenticity. Sounds like you are worried that you aren't 100% behind your relationship and think that you might be in some deep way more happily in a relationship with a transsexual person. Is your gf open enough to talk this through with? The funny thing about sexual infidelity/fantasies/affairs is that they would never be a satisfying relationship if they had to fit into everyday reality - if the attraction is that it is an exciting "other" to your everyday "normal". I'm certainly not saying that there is anything wrong about a gay or transsexual relationship! Just that if fantasizing about it is an exciting, titilating personal thing - then it doesn't necessarily follow that it would be fulfilling for you as your everyday reality. Especially if you think you do have a fulfilling relationship with your gf.

 

Fantasizing and porn don't make a sexuality. At all. I enjoy yuri despite it being between two females while I'm male. You don't seem to think about being with a man in a real sense- just a "what if" sense. Maybe not even that. I would say you're straight, but if that doesn't feel right, ignore me and do whatever the f*ck you feel like.

 

I agree with Orange One thing learned from my study of porn addiction and what happens if you watch porn even if you don't have an addiction is that porn is made to turn people on no matter what their sexual orientation is because the people who created it made it that way I noticed a common thing with straight guys is they go from transsexual porn to gay porn because they get bored with the straight porn and need something to get you off and when one thing doesn't work you go to harder and harder stuff and when your not watching it you think about and even fantasize about it . My suggest to you is to cut porn out cold turkey for a couple of months then see if you still have these same feelings .

 

This is murky for me. On the one hand, I did enjoy sex with men. I enjoy physical contact with anyone a lot, so it always felt nice to me to cuddle. Most of my dating experience with men was in college and in my early 20s when my hormones were raging full blast so I was very turned on.

On the other hand, I noticed women before I noticed men. I didn't realize what a real crush was until I had a crush on a female friend. I liked a very limited range of things in the bedroom when I was with guys, and was turned off by a lot of possibilities. I felt distant in my relationships, even when I was attached to them and enjoyed their company. And since opening myself up to the possibility of women, I have had more active sexual fantasies and more open mindedness about ways to be intimate. And i notice what traits I really do enjoy in a romantic interest; it's not just about sex it's about how I now like romance and am sappier than ever now.

OP, I think it's very possible to enjoy a relationship for years and never pin down what's missing. I used to think I just had to meet the right guy; I'm not so sure about that now. But if you find yourself continually fantasizing about a particular thing, maybe it does actually mean something. Some straight men are aroused by gay porn, but if it's the only thing that gets you going, maybe you're not so straight. But the possibility of being bi is still there; if you enjoy being with your girlfriend, then there's no reason to end things. Just be honest with yourself about why you are dating her; if the answer is "because I love the crap outta her!!" then by all means, enjoy your fantasies and porn but engage this wonderful relationship.

 

Well, I disagree that fantasies never mean anything. I mean, not necessarily, everyone is different, but for me my fantasies were a key to discovering my sexuality and that I wanted to be with women.

 

I don't think having sex with something makes you something... especially when it comes to men.

Men can have sex with anything and everything... dead or alive. I think confusion of most young boys in here or in the world, has its source in male physicality.... they assume they shouldn't get errection by watching gay porns or by a man's touch.

I've been a lot of guys in the past. They were all straight as long as I know. They were stimulated and had sex with me. They were married guys, homophobes or very religious ones. Some can insist they were closet cases, in denial etc. They were happy with their wives/girlfriends or looking actively for a female. Sex is something they did, some regretted it some wanted more until they find a steady female companion.

So no, unless there is feelings, especially love between two indivudal backed up with sexual act, that doesn't mean anything for me. It is just sex.