Do you think you hid "something in your behavior" when young?

In elementary school I didn't know people could like the same gender. So when I'd have any homosexual thoughts I left it at that and didn't talk or really question why I had them.

Ah yes brainwashing.
I definitely brainwashed myself into thinking I liked the boy that everyone had a crush on. Kids would always ask me who my crush was and i always said I didn't have one. It was the truth. I didn't like anyone and I felt like I was supposed to so I tried to like that boy.

I didn't have my first crush until 7th grade the first year of middle school. I didn't even realize I was falling for her because she was my friend so I ignored the butterflies.

SHE was my FIRST CRUSH me a person that wasn't aware of homosexuality was falling for a GIRL. All of that ignorance made it easier to ignore.

I've hung out with the same group of people since kindergarten and the group has only been growing. All of my childhood friends except for 2 of them were part of the LGBTQ+ community. In that first year of middle school the queers came out to each other and I was the last one to come out to them.

None of us were aware of homosexuality as kids. We always felt so lost and uncomfortable and we never knew why until middle school.

There were two queers that we met and they opened our eyes to a whole new world. A world that helped us figure out who we were. We didn't question the new world in fact we embraced it entirely and just became engulfed by it. Every single time one of my friends came out I got so happy. My best friend is a proud bisexual trans boi. I'm so glad that he is now happy with the body he is living in. As for me I later realized and easily came out as lesbian I still can't believe I thought I was American (if you get that reference I love you) We are all proud to be a part of an amazing community.

We were full fledged queers less than two months into the first year of middle school. We are now freshman and we're all so frickin queer it's not even funny!!

Back to the brainwashing. Yeah it's a thing and in my opinion it's a serious problem. This is why LGBTQ+ representation is important. Kids feel so lost and closed off. All of it can really mess with you. I understand that parents will have their own opinions on this topic of queer representation in kids shows but we need to look at the bigger picture and do what's best for the kids. It hurts me so much knowing that there are kids out there feeling as lost if not more lost then we did when we were kids. It's an awful feeling and it can lead to depression. There is no age limit to when a human being can be affected by a mental illness.
And you do not absolutley do NOT have to be a certain age to know what your sexuality/gender is. Over time yes all of it may change but it was never a phase mom!! It was your kid trying to figure out who they are and it's such a beautiful thing to sit back and watch.

 

I definitely did. By 13 I was having vivid dreams about beautiful boys I went to school with and had crushes on a couple of teachers too. But I knew being a homo was a no no. Vhs cameras were relatively new back then. I was recorded by a relative at a family event, and watching the replay I was mortified by what I saw. I was definitely presenting like a fag. All of a sudden I knew why I had been molested, and why a lot of people instinctively didn't like me. I made a definite effort to butch it up. I don't know how successful I ever really was though .

 

Definitely. I grew up in a small, super conservative town in the American south. I pretended to have crushes on boys and male celebrities. I also, as probably a pre-teen and definitely a teen, taught myself to look away or find something else to focus on if I caught myself looking at a woman a little too appreciatively.

 

Had crushes on girls romantically and sexually, but deep-down was also interested in guys sexually.

 

It’s only been a couple months since I cane out to most people who know me. A few have since said “omg how did I not know??” Apparently in presenting as my true self, I’m quite obviously gay. Amazing what authenticity can do.

 

I don't know if I was aware that I was hiding something or not. But talking about sex or admiration of the opposite sex in general wasn't something that people would do in my original society, so I just didn't talk about my admiration of the same sex. I thought of it as a personal thing and didn't really feel any different than the other kids at a younger age. May be later in high school and early college, I started to realize that I can be categorized as gay, it was just a label for me, I was always gay. But it was then that I started hiding my real attraction and cope up with other male friends with their talks about girls and marriage in general .. Till I really got married myself! Then the real hiding took place, with a clear realization that I am really gay.

 

I find sexuality to be really confusing. As a child I experimenting with a lot of my friends who were also female but my main crushes were on boys. As a teen I started to fantasize sexually and emotionally about boys but I also had these intense friendships with my female friends. At 16 I started to notice that I was thinking about a girl in my class and called a LBGTQ line and they asked me how I would feel to kiss her, at that time I didn't feel like that appealed to so I just went on my life. Then I met a girl when I was 17 and I thought about her a lot, so much that I didn't feel like boys were as attractive. Again, I wasn't sure what I was feeling, it was just an intense emotional bond, still liked boys though...sometimes I did wonder what it would be like to kiss a girl though.

For me, I have always been attracted to boys but I had intense emotional relationships with my girlfriends. I'm not 35 (and married) and now realizing that my feelings for women can also be sexual. It's been a very confusing journey, now that I have more time on my hands I constantly think of being with a woman in a relationship, but I'm still attracted to other men and still attracted to my husband. If I stay busy I won't think of women that often and my feelings for guys will become stronger, but I can always feel the thoughts chasing me.

 

I knew I liked boys and guys between the age of 6 and 8. I wasn't romantically attracted to anyone in general, but I did have crushes on actors I saw on TV, upperclassmen & younger male teachers at my school & billboard models. So I was a bit feminine in my actions, which no one including my parents, commented on or attempted to correct. Maybe they thought it was just me being an inquisitive kid. After I turned 11, moved back to India and started interacting with girls and boys around me, going through puberty, that was when people started commenting, on the way I talked, the way I gestured, the way I walked, the way I interacted more with girls than guys, not showing any interest in sports or physical activity like boys, choosing painting & music instead. That was when I realized that people did notice, they did talk and gossip. And that was when I become more self-conscious, trying to imitate how guys walked and talked, developing interest in stuff they talked about. It was hard and looking back now, a painful time in my life, trying hard to be what I never was.

 

Yes and no... I did suppress things but I don’t even know if it was conscious. To like girls wasn’t even on my radar, like it wasn’t an option, at least in real life. When I would be alone with my thoughts, women were my go-to fantasy... but I still think I didn’t connect my sexual thoughts to actually liking a girl for real. My crushes were boys, until my late teens when I had a sexual dream about my best friend (who I later had a sexual relationship with). Looking back, it’s interesting that two of my closest friends that I hung out with turned out to be bi/lez. I think there was maybe some undercurrent of that when I was with them, even though nothing happened. I always liked women’s bodies, but at the time I thought it was more “I want to be her” than “I want to be with her” (it was probably both!).

In the 90s it was certainly becoming more ok to be gay, but I still really had no examples of gay or lesbian relationships to look to. I think that’s one of the reasons it’s so important to have “out” relationships so kids today can know it’s an option.

 

Looking back I did this with guys too..

I think it was easy enough to get caught up in the 'first dates' and 'she likes you' to put gay (which just wasn't an option) on the backburner.

 

I did this too! I pretty much stopped talking completely in 10th grade because I knew the way I talked or gestured had something to do with people making fun of me, but (at that age) I couldn't figure out what it was. I would also imitate how guys walked and the stuff they would say about girls -- but I never felt any of it! I even bought a bunch of equipment and taught myself sports one summer, so I wouldn't fee like such a fool in PE (and be taunted). My older brothers and parents didn't know why I hated school so much.

 

a tough question to answer as its different for everyone. to be honest, 'gay' people when growing up were people that effeminate in nature and were identified as such. this was the 70's. I did not know that seemingly straight behavior hid so many of us. Flat out. Was just not attuned to it. Some of us are late bloomers and for me it was my late 30's. I knew something had changed when I was watching a sex documentary and two male porn actors were naked and embracing and kissing after their scene. I had an erection much to my surprise. I always remember that moment. Was I horrified? Not at all. If anything I thought it was beautiful and still do. I moved forward from there to present day.

 

Judging from the number of people who were not at all surprised when I came out, I guess I didn't hide much!

My father did coach me to a certain extent, pointing out girlish mannerisms and words that I "shouldn't do". He was a high school football hero, and I give him credit for the amount of restraint he used trying to reprogram me.

As far as my own efforts went, I was much more sensitive about being the fat kid and the "brain" who the teachers always called on. That seemed to be the focus of the bullying, and I somehow learned to be mostly invisible, which allowed me to scope out the guys very unobtrusively, yet absolutely incessantly. If I were a better artist, I would probably still be able to sketch out the junk of most of the guys in the locker room from middle school on. I also remember going to some club when I was 8 or 9 to swim, and most of the men were naked in the locker room and the pool. We only went maybe twice, and I suspect I spent a little too much time gawking.

We moved when I was 10 and that was when I became aware, as suddenly as Helen Keller at the pump, that I was different. But it took many years before I connected it with my orientation.

 

14 was the age where I very quietly admitted to myself that I was definitly gay. I always found it arousing to look at men with a good physique, and when I was younger than 14 I would think to myself "am I gonna be gay when I'm older?" if I looked at straight porn or a sex scene on TV I would concentrate on the male more than the female. I would tell myself that I wasn't really attracted to the men, I was just admiring them because they were the kind of men who attracted women, they had the ideal body which was something to look up to. But then when I was 14 I found myself staring at a male teacher's ass, and that was it. I knew I was never going to "develop" any sexual feelings towards women, I was 100% into men.

And I assumed I would have to keep this secret for the rest of my life. I would have to "force" myself to have girlfriends and get married and have kids. I could only be gay in my head. I was always a quiet kid, so I didn't really change anything about my behavior. Most of the boys at school already made fun of me and called me gay because I didn't like football. There was nothing I could do to convince them I was straight. With family and friends I would try to copy my brother's behavior whenever he said something about women he liked. I think my family were kind of in denial about me being gay as well, and they were just hoping I would straighten out as I got older.

As I was getting older, I think it was becoming more obvious that I was trying to disguise my sexuality. It always felt natural to me to enjoy looking at a handsome man, but I had to pretend I didn't enjoy it, and if I pretended to hate it by quickly looking away, that would just make it more obvious. I knew it was becoming more and more difficult to hide. And trying to act like I thought a pretty woman was damn hot and sexy was hard work as well. I was trying to excaggerate these parts of myself that felt attracted or unattracted to either sex.

 

I remember shutting down thoughts and feelings when they ventured into thinking sexually about other girls. I think I shoved those feelings down so hard and so fast that I wasn't able to recognize them as anything more than an annoying passing thought. I only recognized attraction to boys. By the time I was in high school, I felt non-sexual. By the end of high school, I was beginning to think about other possibilities. It then took me years to realize that I am really a lesbian.

 

I never really remember being attracted to girls or boys when I was younger. But I was and still am a pretty big tomboy. By middle school, people were bullying me and calling me gay. I knew this was a bad thing and something I didn't wanna be, so I just tried to change my whole outward persona and become as girly as possible (I failed badly and felt awkward as hell). It wasn't until I was 30 that I felt comfortable enough with myself that I could even consider how I might not be straight.

 

Everything's fine with me until a girl friend of mine kissed me when we were kids. Well, I'm not sure if thats the beginning of everything but that's my first and only recollection of actually kissing a girl. After which, even now that Im 27, no one knows I get strong attractions towards women as well. I like men alright but I get attracted to women as well. I have not acted on this desire though. I just can't find another bi/lez person (woman) whod make me risk everything.