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Do you ever just see gay couples, and wonder how?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Canterpiece, May 2, 2019.

  1. Canterpiece

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    Some students in their final year are in gay relationships. There are times where I wonder, how? I mean, how did you meet another gay person, one that wanted to date you?

    The organisation of my University's LGBT group is terrible. We had one event where enough people showed up to even qualify as a club. That was it for the entire year. Will I ever see these people again? Probably not by the way things are going.

    Most were final years, and/or mature students. So I felt a little out of place. I was told that I was brave, and that it was good that I was out already. Which is nice, but it makes me wonder what events I can go to that have people who are LGBT that are my age.

    I know that the common complaint I see on EC is "Why aren't there more LGBT events for older folk?", but personally where I live the reverse seems to be true. Unless I'm just hanging out in the wrong circles. I know of lesbian discos for the over 50, and there's a few gay bars.

    However, the only friend who is interested in going to a gay bar has to get the bus home, so usually they have to leave before anywhere truly opens. Unless I go alone but I feel a bit weird doing that.

    There are a few drag events aimed at younger people, but they tend to be expensive and I'm not that into that scene. I'd probably just make a fool of myself for not knowing anything about drag queens.

    Currently the only attention I get is usually from guys who treated me badly in high school, and now want inappropriate pictures. Or some guy who obsesses over me, says I'm not like other girls and then precedes to like every picture of mine after being rejected.

    Yep.
     
  2. Nightlight

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    I've been trying to get into the gay community and build some connections there. The ones in S.Korea are quite secluded. You'd have to search deeply online to find it.

    Most of those gay gathering events are speed dating. I can't go since I find alcohol repulsive. What I do instead, is looking for events focusing on LGBT rights, art shows, language exchange, etc. Hoping it leads to something.

    I tried dating apps. It's hard to love strangers that leaves the chat room after 3 messages.

    I have a respect for those who find love in the gay scene. I haven't even made any queer friends yet. It's hard to get involved in the community. Feels lonely since I lean on the gay side sllliiightly more.

    Also, sorry about the morons you mentioned at the end. The part about the pics sounds like a harrassment in my standards.
     
    #2 Nightlight, May 2, 2019
    Last edited: May 2, 2019
  3. Mihael

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    I also wonder... I'm not a hookup and bar person. I try to go out to people and have fun my way like joining various courses, hobbies, art etc. I try to just meet many people who have common interests and values with me. Some of those people have to be gay. I had some luck in online chat groups as well.

    Yeah, I would report the guys who want photos if I were you. That's so immature, on the other hand... Why masturbate to a photo when you can have real sex with a real person? I also get attention from guys who are just plain unpleasant and I wonder why they would be bad to someone they claim to like? Why would such an idea cross their minds? Like, when I want to pick soneone up, I try to make a positive impression and want good for them too because I like them.
     
  4. jenne

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    all the time.. it was already difficult to find gay girls.. but gay girl to like me? i thought it was impossible
    i met my girlfriend from a dating app though and i'm so happy i finally found someone!
    when i talked to some lesbians they used to say "my ex" "my other ex" and i was thinking how is it so easy for them ?? i can't even find one girl..
    maybe it's luck.. how social you are.. how many lgbt people you know in person
    being gay feels so lonely sometimes
     
  5. SemiCharmedLife

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    I look at my own relationship and wonder how I got so lucky. I'm awkward af and don't make up for it with my looks, and when I first started dating my bf I was fresh out of the closet and had never dated a guy before. Yet somehow I found someone willing to take a chance on me and put up with me ever since. Not sure anyone else would.
     
  6. Mihael

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    And I'm bi (that should theoretically extend my dating pool ha-ha) and not lacking in any aspect and struggle to find a non-toxic partner. I'm not even being extremely picky.
     
  7. Linning

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    I think it's about how much you get yourself out there? Admittingly it can be a bit daunting and there is of course the risk of rejection but the more you involve yourself in the community and get yourself out there, the more likely you are to meet people.

    - go to queer events, and yes go alone if friends can't join, it's scary but it can be well worth it.

    - join dating apps or FB groups for lesbians in your area.

    - attend events and activities you like even if they aren't queer events. You have way more chances to end up meeting someone you click with doing something you love than not. If anything the girls I have liked the most I have met doing the most random things (supermarket, going on holidays, attending a birthday party) far away from the queer scene.

    I think I have been lucky in the sense that I dont find it hard to get dates from girls or meet up with them, though I do find it hard to meet one I properly click with but I do get myself out there a lot and don't really fear rejection per se.
     
  8. Devil Dave

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    I don't "wonder" about it any more, I basically know why I'm single while other people are going from one relationship to the next.

    I'm very set in my ways. When I have free time to myself, I want to spend it on things I enjoy, and normally that doesn't involve another person. I've been on dates that have gone nicely, but it hasn't progressed beyond one or two dates. Relationships are way out of my comfort zone. I get the impression that most gay guys want a man who knows what he wants in a relationship, and I really don't know what I want from another person, I only know what I want from myself.

    I mean, it would be nice if I did have someone to accompany me when I go out for lunch or go shopping or to live shows, and it would be nice to have someone to go home with, but I'm so used to doing all those things by myself, that if someone does accompany me, it feels alien to me, and I probably seem really awkward and uncomfortable. I reckon guys I've dated have picked up on this, and don't know how to respond to it. They probably think "He's used to being alone and not letting people into his life, so I'll leave him to it and find someone who does want a partner more urgently".

    And the last person I really had strong feelings for was even more aloof and standoffish than I am and didn't find me attractive at all, so there you go. Being single is very natural to me.
     
  9. smurf

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    This is how you start.

    Those people that showed up, talk to them. Learn their story, see if you all connect as friends. Learn from them, teach them something, etc.

    Hell, run the damn organization if you want. Make it what you need it to be for you.

    That's how I met my husband at least. My community college didn't have a GSA so I made one. I knew nothing about the lgbt community, nothing about running a club, and nothing other than "I need a GAS to exist here". That was all.

    By the end of the first year, we had 40 people showing up to every meeting. It doesn't sound like a lot, but the cool thing is that you don't need a lot of people to have fun. Those were 40 people who were up to having picnics, outings, lunches, fundraising, etc. We had fun because everyone there came together to create something fun for the sake of it.

    I dated 3 guys from that group, kissed more than a couple, and then ended up meeting my husband when he came to his first meeting for the club. My husband later became the VP once I decided to step down. I also made amazing friends who are still part of my life. Its one of the best things I could have done in my college career.

    I would have never thought all of that would be possible from a student club. All I knew is that I wanted to get to know other lgbt people period.

    To me, it sounds like you are making excuses for yourself in order to not put yourself out there.

    You complain about not being a space for lgbt youth, but then you don't even try out the one group you know is aimed at lgbt youth. What if you actually like it? Show up, see what happens.

    Make lgbt friends first is my suggestion. Go have fun!
     
  10. Canterpiece

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    I did talk to them. We had a conversation for a few hours. It is a shame that a lot of events were cancelled, and only one actually took place. The society is only just managing to exist. Since there are certain regulations you have to meet in order to be a society (therefore getting funding). One of them includes having a certain number of representatives. I know that we were struggling to find a representative for trans issues, and I don't know if we ever found one. Although, it we didn't then the number of events will probably drop to zero. Unless they manage to find funding elsewhere. But hopefully we found a trans rep.

    The University tends to favour clubs over societies. It can be fairly bad with organisation. There was a problem at one point where the student union had published the wrong date for a LGBT event, and the people running society informed them of this.

    But the union refused to correct it on the website. Even though they had never told the student union the wrong date, the union just messed up and refused to fix that.

    Unfortunately, that's the thing. Some Universities have better GSA's/LGBT societies than others. It's not a weekly thing where you can get to know people. Most of the time it's a "Hey, there might be an event, and we booked it, but some other group has probably taken the room" thing. We're lucky if we get to meet at all. I don't know enough information to track down most of them either, since I never asked for any last names. Or phone numbers. I don't see them around Uni either. So, I might not get the chance to talk to these people again. I'd like to hope that it'll get better in my second year, but I'm sceptical.


    Forty people sounds like a lot to me! We're currently at about twelve. I don't get your comment about not trying out the group aimed at LGBT youth. So, if you're on about the society, I tried. I went to the one event we had.

    The drag isn't related to the society. It's just an event that is happening separately...it's not directly aimed at youth as far as I know. The drag show is more of a general thing. I don't know what kind of crowd goes to them. Students? Older couples? No idea. But the tickets are expensive, and you have to book ahead. Seems a waste if I want to leave for any reason. Maybe it's too loud, I freak out, and have to leave? That happens to me all the time at events. So I want something reasonably cheap and easy to duck out of.

    I might be going to a gay bar, since I've been discussing that plan with a friend. However, considering how difficult it can be to get students to get on board with any sort of plan it's probably not going to happen. But hey, I might be pleasantly surprised. I swear, I have to organise everything if I actually want it to take place. Otherwise plans just get forgotten about, or procrastinated on forever. Why are friendships so damn frustrating?

    "We should hang out some time" "Yeah, we should" *2 weeks later* "So when do you want to hang out?" "Woah, calm down, you're thinking about it too much" *internally screams* I just want a time and date. Please. It's that simple. Heck the time doesn't even have to be accurate, I can factor in potential lateness or early arrivals. *Sigh* Parties/ student events/ whatever should be fun.

    It's not though, because it's difficult to find people who want to do anything. They say they do, but then they don't wanna make plans with me. So it just ends up being stressful and annoying.

    Then the ones who would discuss plans, now have new friends so you don't get to see them anymore. Honestly, sometimes it seems like it's more effort than it's worth. Especially when friends get annoyed at me for not understanding their sarcasm. I've already told you that I'm bad at that, so who's more of the fool? Could you not just stop using sarcasm with me, or make a sign or something? Ugh. I should give them a sign. Maybe then I can avoid that conversation.

    Sorry, I'm in a bad mood right now. These things take time. I have one LGBT friend. Maybe I'll make more with time. If I find any interesting events I can go to, then I might go. The gay bar idea could happen. I'm hoping it does.
     
    #10 Canterpiece, May 6, 2019
    Last edited: May 6, 2019
  11. Mihael

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    Hmmm sometimes I'm thinking of this myself. But I'm scared. I'm not the most outgoing person ever. Crowds stress me out. Public speeches stress me out. Also, being known as "the gay"/"the trans" ... I'd rather be known for other things. I mean, I wave rainbows all over anyway, lol, but still. I'm not a fan of advertising things myself. I've seen clubs advertise themselves only through posters and emails, not in person, though. Maybe I could do it this way.

    All worries aside, what kind of events does such an LGBT club run? Just socialising?

    I see what you mean, Canterpiece. Not LGBT events, but the same happened to all socialising opportunities at my college too. It was horrid. Luckily, I transfers happened and the people around changed. I also started to socialise outside school thriugh lots of different hobbies. Maybe this could work for you too, since you seem to not be a party person either.

    That is so odd about LGBT friends though. I meet LGBT folks all the time. Granted, we are a minority, but still like one in ten people is gay or something.
     
  12. Harp Grey

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    I started to go to gay bars on my own, I just decided that I didn't wanted my lack of friends (who wanted to join me on those things) to stop me, so I started going out alone. With mixed results, it depended on the other people there and how I was feeling that day. It feels weird at first but you might get used to going on your own. I met my current boyfriend when I was at the gay bar alone! :slight_smile:
     
  13. smurf

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    The clubs are only as good as the people running them. Make it better. Create meetings, get creative, and work with what you have. The worst it can happen is that you make some really cool memories with other people trying to make this club a thing.

    This is a legit fear, but it doesn't have to stop you if you don't let it.

    I'm an introvert, I suffer from both panic disorder and anxiety disorder. I literally will stay in my car for 20 minutes trying to psych myself to go into a meeting sometimes. It fucking sucks.

    It also doesn't have to stop you from doing the things you want to do. There are ways to make it a littler bit less scary and the more you do it the better you get at it.

    I went from feeling like I was going to throw up talking in public to being able to command a room of 400 people if need be.

    Cool thing about being in charge of a club is that you can kinda play a character. You are the president of the club, so you can be as forward and friendly and outgoing as you want and people will just think "makes sense, they are the president and they are trying to make everyone feel welcome". It helps having a "role".

    You will get better at this the more you accept yourself and the more you accept that you can't control what people think of you.

    Greatest thing I ever did was stop worrying about what straight people will think of me. Its more important to me to create a safe space for queer people than "omg, but what if straight people only see me for my sexuality? How can I convince them that I'm a complex humans navigating the world?" A bit less dramatic, but you get the point. Pay straight people no mind :slight_smile:

    Here is the bad and the good, its all completely and absolutely up to you! haha

    Its usually better to go with the things that you yourself find fun. What do you want to do with other queer friends? Want to go out dancing? Have a book club? Go to museums? Host a drag show? Host an educational panel about lgbt rights? Invite activists in your community to come talk to you?

    Right now my friends and I are working on setting up a brunch every month for lgbt people in our community trying to make other lgbt friends. We are literally just getting together for brunch and helping people connect with each other. Simple as that :slight_smile:

    Totally up to you :slight_smile:
     
  14. Niagara

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    As one of the quietest introverts ever for most of my life, I wholeheartedly support the “playing a role” thing being extremely helpful when it comes to getting out of your comfort zone and learning from it. When I first started my company I didn’t feel comfortable at all with the people-skills part, but started getting forced into playing the role of a confident manager when dealing with employees and customers.

    Having that sort of second personality made it easier for me to be more social in daily life too, and took away a lot of the fear of it. Self-doubt and feeling like you don’t belong somewhere causes a lot of people’s anxiety, but that role of being in charge of something helps solidify in your mind that you do belong there, because you’re the only person that can do whatever needs doing that day. That eventually transforms into a greater overall self-confidence no matter where you are.
     
    #14 Niagara, May 9, 2019
    Last edited: May 9, 2019
  15. Mihael

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    While I'd say I'm ambiverted, I get what you mean by panick attacks. I get fun times like this sometimes too.

    This is a good way to think about it. I haven't thought of it.

    You have a point with it being "what they will think" vs getting our own needs met.

    Oh, cool :slight_smile: Right.
     
  16. Canterpiece

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    Crowds definitely stress me out as well. Add in getting claustrophobic easily, a dislike of strangers getting too close to me, and overly sensitive ears, plus other senses...it's not difficult to understand why. I feel a sigh of relief when someone that I don't know that well goes for a fist bump or hand shake, instead of a hug. Personally, I prefer to hug only close friends and family, hopefully a gentle one. I don't like firm hugs, they usually freak me out.

    Public speeches not so much. Weirdly enough. As long as I have space to move about, I'm OK.

    Maybe I should consider this. I have some time over the Summer.

    Personally, I have a straight friend that has a tendency to meet a lot of LGBT folk. In fact, when I came out to her, she responded "Why are nearly all my friends gay? Do I just attract lesbians or something?", there was a short pause and then we both laughed about it. Perhaps I should start hanging out where she does, haha.

    There are a lot of people who assume that whatever guy I'm with is my boyfriend, we could be talking about whatever and you can bet that someone will say "So how long have you been dating?"

    One time I was just walking with a male friend of mine, and some random woman came up to me and said something along the lines of "Men, so hard to handle, am I right?" Uh...sure...

    Then I meet other people who seem to be able to tell/assume that I'm gay right away.
     
    #16 Canterpiece, May 10, 2019
    Last edited: May 10, 2019
  17. Mihael

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    This must be stereotypes, like, if you're not super butch, you're not a lesbian. I have this problem too. I mean, nobody disbelieved me when I told them, but nobody is able to tell when I don't. The same about being trans, despite wearing men's clothes and stuff. The odd thing is that nobody notices even if I flat out talk about a woman being attractive. Not in a "I would fuck her" way of course, that's very rude, but apparently if you don't outright molest people, you're not gay. But we don't have to let it stop us, we have to take the initiative and come out.