Did any of you experience internalised homophobia and/or compulsory heterosexuality?

I think on some level I experienced compulsory heterosexuality. That is obviously a conclusion arrived at in retrospect. However, I did experience very legitimate and enjoyable arousal and sexual encounters with women. I also was in a relationship for many years and definitely was in love with this woman. On some level I might be looking at the past through rose tinted glasses but as these things were happening they felt extremely genuine. Looking back, I could see how some of my experiences could be tied to compulsory heterosexuality though.

I think my greatest struggle is with internalized homophobia, even on an unconscious level. I won’t go into my full story, anyone can read my posts if they’re curious, but I keep getting so many conflicting messages about what I am or what my attractions are. Even as things seem to become more and more clear, there is a disconnect. My mind keeps telling me I’m gay, I have weird/anxious filled interactions with men, and catch myself thinking about men. However, none of these things cause me any arousal, even in the privacy of my home. Nor does Gay porn. Yet, on some level I feel as though I’m attracted to men and my mind keeps telling me that I’m gay. It’s as if a part of me recognizes it but another simply will not and shuts it down.

I’m not sure that’s the literally definition of internalized homophobia or the common experience with it, but I honestly have no earthly idea what else would be causing this to happen.

 

I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that but it’s wonderful that at last you are comfortable with yourself! It’s really unfortunate so many of us develop these “coping mechanisms” to deal with our queerness early in life. Honestly for me the weirdest part is I was not even remotely aware I was doing this. Like it wasn’t even a conscious choice it just happened. I basically was (and still am!) low key afraid of women and for years I thought I was just weird and it was some bizarre quirk of my personality. I never in a million years would have considered back then it was because I had sublimated feelings that I didn’t even know I had even though now it’s obvious I clearly do.

 

You hit the nail right on the head, and you articulated it in a way I've had trouble doing: there is no right or wrong way to be gay--the only prerequisite comes down to attraction. The rest (clothing, hair, ways of speaking/lexicon, hobbies, etc.) is completely down to the individual. Like you, I sometimes find myself dissociating with the LGBT community; I love it here on EC, but irl? I no longer make it a point to associate with LGBT groups or individuals based on being LGBT. Too often, this meant being jammed into a box, having constraints put on what we should think, feel, be into, etc. that I wanted no part of--and questioning other people's sexual orientation based on their interests was one of them. So yes, sometimes the attacks come from within our own house, and that makes it infinitely harder to find and keep ourselves.

 

Although living in a quite conservative country, hopefully not (so far)

 

Growing up in the late 80's and 90's I was taught that being homosexual was wrong and I "had" to be straight. Looking in the mirror, I hated what I saw for a very long time. I saw a gay man looking back at me who was trying his very best to be straight and fit in, hoping that I would grow out of it given enough time. Nature has a habit of winning. I didn't grow out of it, I grew into it, eventually accepting my sexuality and setting myself free from conformed heterosexuality. I don't care if people know I'm gay or not. The important person knows. Me.

 

Exactly my experience too! The 80's/90's were so traumatic - I even feel uncomfortable now seeing all the 80's nostalgia on TV shows etc. I don't want to go back there!

 

I also grew up in the ‘80s and ‘90s in a small conservative town. Messages I received from television, movies, etc. along with many of the adults I looked up to in my family, school, and community instilled in me a sense that being gay or bi was some sort of unfortunate defect, to put it mildly. At best, people would ridicule gay people. At worst, they would look upon them with scorn and derision and possibly ostracize them from the community had anyone dared to come out in that time and place. I did not encounter or hear about even one person who was anything other than straight throughout my entire childhood in my hometown.

Because of this, I repressed any and all thoughts that would have given any indication that I’m gay. I desperately craved acceptance and feared that I would not receive love if anyone knew the real me, so I believe that a part of me hid my sexual orientation so well that not even I was consciously aware of it for many years. I was always supportive of others in the LGBTQIA+. I would get upset whenever legislation was proposed that was discriminatory towards that population and was excited when gay marriage became legal. However, the thought of me being intimate with another man filled me with disgust. Somehow I felt it was perfectly fine for other people to be anything other than straight, but I felt like I would be some sort of abomination if it turned out that I was gay. Throughout my childhood and well into my adult years, I felt like I was out of step with everyone around me. I recall feeling self-conscious about the things I might say or my mannerisms and would go to great lengths to not sit or stand in a way that might be construed as gay. I just dismissed it as me being shy and socially awkward.

It wasn’t until my early twenties when the thought popped into my head that I might be attracted to men. I felt ashamed and disgusted and quickly buried that thought. However, it kept coming back more and more frequently and more powerful each time. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, disgusted, and scared whenever I would have those thoughts, although I would occasionally briefly allow myself to fantasize about being with a man. It’s been an extraordinarily slow process for me since then. I would see pictures of attractive men and simultaneously feel aroused and repulsed. I had a few sexual encounters with a guy over the course of a few years and was willing to engage in certain acts and enjoyed them immensely but couldn’t bring myself to let him kiss me for some reason. It was all so confusing. It was only within the last few years that I was able to admit to myself that I’m not straight, and it’s only been a few months since I was finally able to accept that I am gay. But even now, after all these years of wrestling with this and finally fully conceding I’m only attracted to men, I’m still scared and slightly disgusted at the thought of intimacy with a man. I still slip into old habits of noticing attractive women in public and quickly looking away when I see an attractive guy, but there has been a perceptible shift in this.

I’m still dealing with feelings of shame, disgust, and fear even after all these years. It’s been incredibly difficult to rid myself of the “programming” I received as a child, but I’ve made some significant strides recently. I’ve been working with my therapist on this and recently reconnected with a former co-worker who is gay. The bravest step I’ve taken so far was to come out to a female friend I’ve known since I was in high school a few weeks ago. I was extremely nervous to tell her, but it went very well, and we’ve been talking about it a lot since then. I was surprised at how liberating it felt to tell one of my close friends. I never realized how exhausting it is to hide this part of myself and how good it feels to have even just a couple of people I can be completely myself around.

 

(reading this back I should put a trigger warning for violence)
@dch that sums up my experience very well too!
Looking back it's hard to believe some of the stuff that went on back then - me and other kids at school were regularly chased and beaten for being "gay" (i.e. reading books or drawing out of class time?! Or sitting, standing, walking, throwing a ball a certain way).
And I regularly heard kids commenting with satisfaction on the death toll they'd heard on the news from the AIDS virus (i.e, hoping that ALL gay people would "die out") and the murders that were happening to gay men in "revenge".
I heard kids saying they were going to do that when they grew up (murder gay men!).
I was thrown in a creek for being "gay" at the time when there was a very prominent murder trial on the news every night where three POLICE OFFICERS (!) threw a gay man into the river and he unfortunately couldn't swim and drowned. It came out in court that the police were regularly throwing gay men in the river for "entertainment ".
I thought that giving in to my thoughts of same sex attraction would lead to me literally dying! There was such a panic around and there were no FACTS..
Sorry to rant but I think I've only recently started to process this whole era of my life and realise how shocking and traumatic it was!

 

I am so sorry to hear to your stories guys, but I am so glad to hear that you're making it through the other side of things!

 

I wouldn't say so much comp het for me, but rather I repressed what I should've figured out around the time I was eleven years old. I definitely found girls attractive, but I also find guys attractive and wanted to be a guy- all without being concious of it- not even knowing what the word gay meant at that moment I wasn't cognisant of it until later. I had good instincts not to let my eyes linger on anyone too long, though in my teen years I'd have to tell myself to look away from girls when we'd change for gym class or do stretches or even just walking to another class. Sometimes I would ask myself, "am I gay?!" and then think, "nah, I like men still." It went on that way until I heard the word bisexual out loud for the first time- I was seventeen. Then came the dreaded bi-cycle and other internalized biphobia. Now I identify as pan, because I genuinely don't care what gender my partner is (though who I'm currently into is a woman). I've since mostly worked through that, but still beat myself up for being trans a lot.

 

Internalized homophobia? Yep, you bet. I'm sure most of us have had painful issues in the past from a "loving" society. When I was a kid I'd get stook up against a brick wall and had to hold out empty soda cans that the other kids threw rocks to try to knock them out. Some didn't have very good control of their throws, lol. Hopefully kids don't have to go through that much today. That among many other events has made me reluctant to accept who I am.

 

It may not been as terrible as some other’s experiences but I did experience compulsory heterosexuality. In 7th and 8th grade (I had never questioned my sexuality at that time), I convince myself I was in love with a guy and when he rejects me (turns out he was gay) I barely even reacted, because, frankly, I didn’t really care. As for internalized homophobia, I used to thought there were no way to be happy when we’re not cishet. I’m better now.