The last couple of weeks I've had a feeling (off and on) of being trapped in sadness (this past week was the worst). I don't know if it's because I don't have like minded LGBT friends, or if it's because I'm not completely out (I'm only out to a handful of old friends). I spent a lifetime in a "straight" world that doesn't fit me anymore. I feel lonely even when I'm with my old straight friends even though I love them. I'm trying to do different LGBT things/events and I have met some nice people but it has been tough to make new friends later in life (I'm in my early forties). I really don't know if it's loneliness that has me so down or the stifling feeling of being in the closet. I have a timetable for coming (I truly can't do it right now because of some very real financial & career related reasons...I hope to change this by next year). Anyway, this acute sadness is really getting to me recently. I can't understand how I can be optimistic, even hopeful, for some time then go into a depressing slump for no apparent reason. Can anyone relate? If so, what do you do to dig yourself out of the emotional trench?
I’m feeling trapped and hopeless this week too. I’m married to an incredible man who has no idea I’m attracted to women. I’ve told two close friends what’s going on, but otherwise I’m on my own and feeling lost. This is all very new to me and I vacillate between excited that I am discovering something new about myself and being devastated about what I’d have to leave behind to live my truth. Plus I have some unrequited feelings for a friend I have no chance with. I’m on a wild ride and I guess I’m just hanging on to see where it stops. I wish I had some advice for you, but I’m in a similar place. Even music feels like it no longer fits me. That’s one place I’ve always found comfort.
I sometimes experience a lot of loneliness and sudden waves of depression. As I have tried anti-depressants and found them effective but did not like the side effects I would only go on them again if I were absolutely desperate. But I have found several ways to combat depression that don't involve drugs, such as exercise, keeping healthy, connecting with others even momentarily (i.e., forcing myself to get out and into City life). I have also rediscovered this week how much control we have over our moods by the thoughts we dwell on ... In my case I have found that often at night when the pressures of the day have subsided that depressive thoughts intrude in my mind, and I have found I can effectively stop them just by actively driving them out of my mind and instead replacing them with something positive (or at least neutral). It is often amazing to me how well this works ... I guess because the mind develops habits of thought that you just need to break. There are articles about this online. You might give it a shot!
I can relate to this. Due to work problems, I've not felt the excited part for months. I was in an excited stage when I first contacted therapists with the intention of taking steps towards leaving my partner. It feels like a long time ago now. The ups and downs! I'm sorry you're feeling this way @Rana. I've got no advice, but can relate. I feel work stuff would be easier if I could just kick this low mood away. It feels like fog/cloud in my head that makes me less productive. Take care.
Hi @Rana I completely relate to this. I too have the same up and downs, sometimes feeling incredible and like I’ve never felt so much like the real me but other times feeling so totally helpless and sad and lonely. I also know what you mean about not fitting in the same straight life anymore. When I’m with my friends I feel like I don’t know how to be which is crazy in itself as I’m exactly the same person as I was before but now my friends know something more about me. However it doesn’t stop it from happening. I don’t have any lgbt friends either and i do think that would help but like you said, finding friends is a bit more difficult than when you’re younger. You can but only try by going to those lgbt events, maybe you’ll start to see the same people and a friendship will develop Unfortunately I don’t really have much sound advice, but when i have these slumps I just try my hardest to ride them out as best I can. Or I go and see one of my friends and talk to them about it such defintely helps. This may sound really silly but I also try to do this every day too. When I’m in the shower in the morning I thank my higher power for things that are good in my life, whatever that may be. Your higher power doesn’t have to be god (personally I’m not a believer) but it can be whoever you want. A singer, a poet, a writer etc... It doesn’t always work but I find that it puts me in a good and sometimes contented mood and can help getting rid of all that negative chatter and sadness that can torment me. Do something nice for yourself, get your hair done or nails or just take a bath. Try to Be kind to yourself as much as you can. You deserve it like everyone else. Take care.
I've had some of this recently, too. While I've felt more whole since coming out, there's been a certain amount of letdown -- for me, at least, it's been because i still have mundane everyday life to deal with, which includes terrible allergies, so I had to miss an LGBT meetup group last weekend, and I've not really been able to do some of the things I like to do. I like the advice above -- try to do some nice things for yourself in the meantime.
I can relate to that as well. Music is therapeutic for me but when I'm really down I can't even listen to music. It makes me too emotional.
Exercise is definitely a good solution. Those endorphins are supposed to be uplifting in many ways. I definitely also get the depressive thoughts more often in the afternoon or early evening. Actively pushing out negative thoughts is something I haven't really been able to do. I need to try that.
Oh the fog! I have that! The lack of focus when we feel down is the worst. I can't even measure how much less productive I am if I'm diwn.
I will try this tomorrow morning. I don't think it's silly at all. You're affirming you gratitude for life. It sure can help. Can I tell my affirmations to K.D. Lang? She is my higher power these days, lol.
I can relate. I started the current phase of my journey about a year and a half ago. I’m 55, and after many years of taking care of everyone else in my life (wife, 3 kids, aging parents & in-laws, and so-on, and so-on...), I finally took the advice to go sit down with a mental health professional about my own life. I’m a black man who had suspected I was gay off and on for years, but never really went through the introspection necessary to realize the truth - my truth. That is until I sat down with my therapist and was able to get my head into a quiet space necessary to focus on myself. Once I did, I was able to do the hard work and heavy lifting needed to begin to feel my way through the voids in my life. I’m blessed to have an aunt and a sister, both of whom I can talk to and relat to as I make this journey. My best advice to you is to find a gay-friendly therapist that you are comfortable talking to and opening up to. Barring that, or perhaps eve in addition, a close friend, relative or confidant or three...Someone to hold your hand as you navigate. It takes time and a lot of work (which I’m still dealing with to varying degrees - my wife is not enthused with my directions and discoveries about myself, but I’ve told her that I’m committed to working on being with her, in whatever way she will have this new me; after 30 years, I still love her, even though I’m attracted to men). I hope I have not been confusing in my explanation here. I’m happy to give you whatever additional other words I can that may help.
Hi Hunter Rose, Thank you for sharing your story. It's helpful to see that others are going through the same ups and downs as me. Yes, I did go to a therapist. She was really nice but really not helpful....she told me basic things that I kind of already knew. I may try to find another one who's a good fit for me, but I'm not sure about that yet. The "voids" in life are exactly what I feel sometimes which brings me down. For me, I think these voids include the lack of like minded LGBTQ friends (i.e. I don't have a gay community of friends around me), and also the desire for that emotional/love connection with a woman (but I guess all single people crave love in some way). It's great that your therapist was helpful in directing you to navigate the voids in your life. I think my attempts to get out and meet more LGBTQ people have been for this purpose. This week was a step in the right direction for me, so I'm gaining a little more hope....and ofcourse the awesome people here on EC like yourself have helped immensely. ♥
Rana, we have similar problem. I'm 40s, married to a woman and I have two kids. For almost 8 years I have been dedicated my life to my wife and children. I love her but she didn't realized that how I hurts by her because she really didn't understand how to be a good wife. Some circumstances makes me feel like she was not respect to me as her husband. I thought before that I will find my happiness with her but in fact not. I am thinking now for divorce Eventhought I don't have any progress. So many problem I should consider for their future including my kids. But honestly I am not happy right now. I want to be my self, reboot my life, find a guy who love me and find my true happiness and love. I don't want love someone but (s)he didn't, it makes me hurt. Rana, I cannot give you suggestion because I myself need it too. Thanks
I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I just came out to my mother and brother on top of having to leave a bad relationship from my kids father. I was in the closet for years and I’m out at 35. We had to leave the state and move to Florida packing only what we could fit in our car. Now I am stuck in a part of Florida I want to my be from but I can’t try to get jobs in Lauderdale until my kids get out of school. We are staying with a friend and it is bringing me down. I feel trapped all over again. I do sincerely hope it gets better for you. My sadness is trying to crush me but I have two kids depending on me to find employment and a place in Ft. Lauderdale in 6 weeks. Sometimes the only thing you can do is put one foot in front of the other and just let the tears fall
