Desperate for a relationship, don't know what to do

Everything in my life is going well. I'm doing very well in school and I just got employed in my field, which will look good when I move on to grad school or med school. I've changed aspects of my life to be healthier; I've started going to bed early and waking up early to go to the gym, and I've eliminated pretty much all junk food. In general, my life just seems to be going very well at the moment. My friends tell me they wish they had my motivation and work ethic. Despite these positive aspects, I feel so unfulfilled and often depressed. I'm in my first year of college, and ever since starting, I've really wanted to be in a relationship. Having never done anything with anybody, not even a kiss, I wasn't entirely sure it was what I wanted, but it always felt like a relationship was exactly what I needed. I've never had any desire to just hookup with guys; that's not to say that I wouldn't enjoy it, but I never feel the urge to do so. Throughout the year, my mind has just been occupied with the idea of having a boyfriend: somebody to come home to, to talk to, to hold at night, the last person I see before falling asleep and the first person I see when I wake up. I want somebody I like to be there for me, and I want to be there for them. I've never experienced this before, but it feels like the solution to fill this gap in my heart.

I've had little flings with a few guys throughout the year, but they have only been via apps because of distance. They always start with talking for a few days and expressing interest, but ultimately end because nothing can really be done with it. A little over a month ago, I met a guy on one of these apps and we hit off very well. Something was different with him, and he felt it with me as well, so we decided to try keeping in touch until we could finally meet in about a month and a half. This lasted for three weeks with constant expression of excitement and often sensual texting which made me feel a way I had never felt before. Yes, he couldn't actually be there with me at the time, but just knowing that he was thinking about me and wishing he could hold me filled my heart. This ended because he knew distance was going to be a problem and we could never truly know if "us" would work out unless we were physically together. He also said that I need to experiment with other guys to become more comfortable with what I want. I didn't want to let go, but I had to, and I did. I also took his advice.

A couple of days after that ended, a new guy connected with me on an app. He goes to my school and I thought he was cute, so I decided to give him a chance. Just last week, we went out to dinner. This was the first time I had ever met up with a guy like this, and oddly enough, I was pretty comfortable. We talked and got to know each other a little. I was skeptical of this meet-up before and during; while he did ask me out to dinner and was very polite, I still just felt that his intentions were to simply hookup. I was okay with this idea; I still have no desire to hookup, but I knew that I needed to experiment somewhat because it was true that I didn't know what I want since I've never experienced anything with another guy. He was more comfortable than I was, so I went along with him. After dinner, he invited me over to his place to which I accepted. I knew that something was going to happen at this point. Within an hour of being at his place, we began making out. This was my first kiss. He has done this before and pretty much led the whole time. We progressed until we were only in our briefs. Up until then, I was still a bit nervous since we seemed to be moving so quickly. But after a little bit, it just felt so right; I felt at ease, like I was finally living what was going through my mind all this time. We held each other the whole time, caressing one another and kissing. He wanted to go further, but he saw that I was hesitant and stopped. He was so respectful and sweet, and we continued to do what we were doing. I stayed with him that night, and we cuddled and fell asleep.

While I didn't go all the way, I can say that I've done something with a guy. And what's killing me is that nothing has changed; I was hoping that once I was finally in such a sensual situation with a cute guy, I'd want to go further, but I didn't. Everything that I've had going through my mind has remained consistent. Throughout the entire night with this guy, I didn't think about having sex with him, I thought about how I want to see him again in the future and get to know him more. I thought about how I could get used to sleeping next to this guy in the future. I finally found somebody my age who has an intriguing personality and who treated me so well when we first met, and more important, somebody who finds me attractive as well. I'm not saying I want to make this guy my boyfriend immediately, but I do want to get to know him more. I waited a few days and asked if he would want to hang out again some time, and I have not received a response. I know his intentions were to simply hookup, but the way he treated me that night made me think that just maybe he would have some interest in seeing me again.

Now I'm stuck here so desperate for the chance at a relationship, or even just a guy to at least hang out with a few times and see what happens, but I can't proceed forward. My school is so large and I'm in a suburban area, but I've been on all of the apps and websites, and it's the same people on each one. There's barely any putting themselves out there, so I have nothing to go off of. In other words, I feel like I've reached a dead end. I don't understand how I become so emotionally attached. I'm not happy with how I feel about this previous encounter; I wish I could have just met him, had some fun, and then left feeling nothing, but I don't. He was a cool guy, he was nice and respectful, he was so affectionate, and I'm left wanting more. Now I don't even know if I'll ever hear from him again. I can't tell if I'm sad about him not wanting to see me again or if I'm sad about not having a boyfriend. I don't know if I did something wrong or if he simply isn't interested in having multiple encounters. I'm happy that I tried, but I'm sad that I'm left on the bad end of it. I went to my school's psychological services two weeks ago, and I have another appointment tomorrow.

I'm just so lonely. I love my close friends, but I want a partner. I can't find one and I don't know how to find one. And now I'm scared to meet other guys because I find myself becoming attached too quickly when their signs of affection are simply them just going with it. How can I change this? What can I do to just feel better? And should I hookup with somebody to just experience it for once? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I do feel a sexual attraction towards men. Just for whatever reason, I didn't feel ready to go further with this guy. I'd never done anything with a guy before, so I was just a bit nervous, especially since I had just met him that night. I think I may have been a bit overwhelmed that I was finally doing this for the first time. If I got together with him again, I'd go further. But he won't even reply now. We parted ways on very good terms and we kissed before I left; everything about that night just seemed so right, but apparently it was nothing too big for him. I felt like I could trust this guy to take it slow with me, I just didn't want to do it that night. I didn't expect a relationship or anything, but I feel like he led me on. Now I don't know if I'll ever see him again, and I'll have to find somebody else I feel comfortable with to finally try something. I'm sick of telling people I'm a virgin because I know that it's a turn-off for a lot of people. But I need to be given the chance in the first place.