So, I need help from you guys. My son is gay. Has always been. Married to a beautiful girl for 4 years. I knew from the earliest that he was but never allowed myself to ask him. I helped him through being bullied at school. I accepted his being "different". It appears that he tried everything to deny his true nature, even to the point of getting married. Now he has come out to his wife and they are contemplating divorce. I support them both... love them both. I know I'm not the one dealing with the hard issues, they are. I love my son no matter what. He will have my full love and support. But I am mourning what could have been.
Hi and welcome to EC (*hug*) You sound like a great parent and your son is lucky to have somebody so understanding and able to stand by him through this tough time. You've come to the right place to get advice on these issues and search for answers to any questions you or your son may have. :welcome:
Welcome to EC, sendhi64, Wow, I feel for you, and I admire your acceptance of his situation and your appreciation for the difficulties they are facing, and I can only offer my sympathies for the what might-have-beens, but I also hope for the possibilities that can come of this; in this day of true and significant advances in the acceptance of what was not so long ago a great stigma. Lean on us for support and understanding, we are here for you!
Hello and welcome to EC! I am so happy that you accept your son for who he is, and I am also sorry for you if you are upset over what could have been. But this opens a new door and a new chapter, and your son will now be happy (hopefully) with who he is. Best wishes.
Welcome to EC. I'm happy that you accept your son for who he is, and admire you for not confronting him when you were fully aware. That takes guts to do. It's sad that he had to get married in order to find out, but in the end, divorce is likely best for both of them at this point. Both parties will then have the opportunity to be with someone that can be fully present for them emotionally, which is currently not the case. Hang in there, and feel free to tell your son to join EC!
Thank you guys for the warm welcome to EC. Thanks for your responses too. Can any of you tell me about your experiences growing up and whether or not your parents encouraged you to be who you are or tried to force you into the "hetero-mold". My son remembers seeing a man on TV when he was about 8 years old and commented on how handsome the man was. He recalls my reaction of shock and trying to "teach" him that boys don't say things like that. He was bullied and "tortured" emotionally by kids all his life. I always encouraged him to try to ignore them and be who he is. When he left the US to study, he learned that other cultures/countries were more accepting of "differences".
I can recall vividly my father telling me not to make certain gestures that seemed overtly "girlish". The truth is that I was pretty inept at playing a straight boy, and he was a high school football hero and jock, so I always felt like I made him uncomfortable. I always thought he seemed rather relieved when I finally got married 20 years ago, although as time went on he got rather surprisingly vocal about supporting gay marriage and rights, and even casually shared stories of being hit on my guys in the service in the late 1950's as if it was no big deal. It was rather surreal, actually. I went through all the bullying in school that your son did as well. Kind of sad that things have not changed all that much for some people. He is very lucky to have you, however, and your support for him (and his wife as well) will be a challenge to you, but it will make a tough situation so much better for him. I can guarantee you that he is mourning what could have been as well. None of us in that situation got married assuming it would eventually blow up in our faces. We either assume that marriage will cure us, or hide us, or be a better alternative than coming out. Eventually I think you will get past mourning what could have been, and move towards accepting a new reality, and maybe even celebrating the fact that he will be much happier and healthier person being out. What "could have been" is a fantasy, but there are many things that CAN be as a result of this. And what USED to be was probably pretty miserable for him, so now is the time to live up to what we parents always tell our kids--"I just want you to be happy". You're making a great start.
