Death of a gay man

Ok honey just one thing you nded to learn here maybe its a little eaiser in syria but hey i did get a threat to death before
I got hit by some guys in the street with some glass you know i said the exact same stuff you are saying now
You need to have confidence high self estem be strong cause hey till now i hear people talk about me school sucks they all hate me im fully out though if asked and im pretty flamy too so its worst for me
hey I didnt dieee!!!!
Have faith in god and yourself after all no one worth living for but your creator and yourself
People in the middle east are brain washed by goverments like robots -_-
Please im called a slut now cause i shake hips a little while walking i wear too tight and too colorful sometimes normal but still my look is diffrent from other guys enough for them to judge me
I have a high pitched voice
Well i gusse you should know that im now happier with myself also if your not that flamy diva boy why would you worry hou would fit in pretty easy no one would ever judge you unless you are like me a flirty guy who is not scared to just flirt with a handsome and if asked i tell the truth
At school they make trans jokes in front of me and sometimes gay jokes too because someone asked me about dating and girls i said im not even into girls they are not attractive to me they pretty much understood my message so im the freak now
Hold on since you finished your studies get out of there
Im dying to finish school be 18 and get the hell out what are you waiting for _be selfish now and leave all those people cause im sure even if they changed their minds the country isnt going to change for you at least not now

 

thanks for sharing your words of hope, Joshy. They are words that can only be authentically shared by someone who is in your situation, living in a country that is dominated by homophobics (and remember, the most homophobic are sometimes that way because they are also victims of a system of homophobia, and may be fighting against their own nature). He's right, Gayray. our creator did not make a mistake, even if not everyone can understand it. even in the most difficult situations, which both you and Joshy are facing, there is a reason for us, a joy that we have that we can share with others. don't let them win. (&&&)

 

better to be honest and deal with the consequences than to give up on life. It might not be the life that you had planned, but it can be a good life. don't give up on yourself. you have so much still to give, to help others, despite how dark it may look today.

 

From everything you say, it's clear you are in a very tormented state of mind right now as your thoughts and feelings sway in different directions. On the one hand you say:

then a few lines later, you say:

I'm sure you can see how those two statements don't correspond and it's a reflection on the highly distressed state you find yourself in now. The clarity of thinking just isn't there for you. Have you reached a point where you would rather say it, just to be free of the constant pressure?

When you say this, is it how you feel about yourself or is it how you imagine your family would respond to you coming out as gay?

I am so truly sorry for all of your suffering and I wish our love could lift you to a better place. Though we don't know you in real life we feel a connection to you through our shared experience of coming out and the struggles it brings. May you realise that we are still here for you and will continue to read and reply as best we can. Stay in touch - you still need a safe place to talk openly about everything.

(&&&)

 

Thank heavens for your neighbour is what I say.

Hey, stick with your friends on EC.. you can get some useful help from us. There are many people here who have suffered the same torment - but have also navigated the same impossible storm to a better place.

My first thought on reading your post is you are at a point from which you can really make changes. You were prepared to throw it all out of the window. For what? Was it because of real world problems, or just that your own inner constructed torment / conflict and depression was overwhelming … which is completely treatable. Does that make sense?

Being from the medical field, you must know this in your 'logical mind' … knowing that things can change. You life can change.

As you have crossed a line, maybe it is time to start clearing the decks and re-assembling things in a different way. With help from all the professionals you can get help from. From a family member, a friend, your well wishers on EC … there are literally hundreds of ECers who can give you good advice and support.

 

Please keep trying to find your footing. A large percentage - perhaps a majority- of suicide attempts are actually not fully carried out, as they are intercepted when one is unconscious, or in the middle of attempting, or just don't work. The body, and its will to survive, are very powerful. That is a sign of hope, as much as you don't see it that way. Perhaps your life being saved by the neighbor is a sign from God/Allah directly that you are needed here, that there are better things to come. Consider that that is a real possibility, and try to be open to it.

There is pretty much no lower feeling than having attempted suicide and still lived. But truthfully, you should be really grateful - many people survive suicide attempts but suffer brain damage or other organ damage, and may end up in a vegetative state. Feeling the way you do and not even being physically able to work or care for yourself for sometimes decades on end is worse than where you are right now. And it DOES happen to a lot of people. Try to remember from this bottom, there is little direction to go but up. Now, things can get better.

As I posted with the links before, there are a lot of men in countries like your own, including actually in Saudi Arabia, who are gay and surviving. In many cases, the family loves the person so much that if they learn the truth (which many times they suspected anyway), they end up accepting it and trying to protect the individual from harm at the hands of others, or the govt. Your family certainly sounds like they care about you, even though they may not fully know you. The neighbor probably cares about your well-being as well.

It is a horrible feeling to have your license to practice medicine suspended, or totally revoked, especially due to a psychological and medical issue. This happened to a friend of mine. It can take you to a very dark place, especially when much of your identity was wrapped up in that career, and perhaps life-calling. But it actually can be a very good thing to have to focus on yourself and your needs, and finding your center again. And in truth, when you are in such torment daily you my not be able to think as clearly as needed to properly care for others, even though doing so make make you feel good, and you may feel like you are still able to.

You have a chance to start over now, as others have mentioned. We say this from having been in a situation like yours, having truly wanted to die and seeing no other way out. It really CAN get better. I think that it is actually a really good thing for your family to watch you when you are released. It is a lot better than being locked in a mental institution with no freedoms whatsoever, which the govt. might see as an alternative if you can't stay safe. And your family genuinely loves you and don't want you to die. Some families turn their backs on people who try to commit suicide. Sometimes the shame is too great, it is seen as a sin, or as a selfish anti-community act, and there are people who are rejected by their loved ones for this entirely.

You really might be underestimating your family. Suicide is likely considered a huge "sin" also in Islam, but they are standing behind you and are not defining you by that alone. It just may be possible that some will do the same even if they know you are gay. Really, there are families that do this, that help hide the gay person in the community so as to protect them. There are also people who go out in Saudi life and have homosexual interactions, and are able to go back to their life without others knowing, as is mentioned in the article. No one is saying it's easy, but there are a lot of other shames that people live with daily too, in your country, and around the world. Being gay is not the worst one. And you don't have to present yourself to close family members as disgusting, diseased, or anything like that. You can simply say - to those you think are most trustworthy in not outing you to the community - "I am gay. I do not want to be, but I cannot help it. I have been gay all my life. There are a lot of people around the world going through just what I'm going through, and it's so hard. No one would choose this if they could help it. I tried to kill myself because I cannot stop being gay, so you know it is not a choice. But I am a good person, and you know how I care about others. Allah/God made me this way, and it must be for a reason. I am trying to find a reason to live, and there are a lot of other people even in our country who survive this, but I am struggling." Something like that maybe. What you say to others about yourself always has an effect on how they feel about you. If you mention only negatives, they may see only negatives. If you mention positives, or at least being well-meaning and vulnerable, they can see this more easily for what it is. As a doctor, you know there are people born gay every day, and it is not their fault. Communities should rally around them, just as in other challenges they may face like poverty, or other inherited struggles.

Keep in mind that in many cases homosexuality is genetic. It is quite likely that there are other people in your family who are gay. Sometimes, those who fight homosexuality the hardest are the ones who are gay and don't want to admit it to themselves. Some people might react very harshly to you, because they are also struggling with themselves, while some might be pretty compassionate.

It's not easy by any means, but your situation is not completely hopeless either. You have a lot of means of survival at your disposal, that not everyone has. You have access to money. You are male. You are intelligent. You are educated. You also speak, or at least write, English very well. You're probably in a city or near one, meaning you are around a lot more opportunity and other people in your same situation, than someone very far out into an undeveloped area. You have internet access, and computer skills. You have some resources you can use to survive how bad this feels right now, more so than someone still a child, or female, or extremely poor, or without internet to even know there is a name for this, or that there are people all over the world feeling just like they are feeling.

Consider that this might be all for a reason, and try to take each minute, and each hour, one at a time. This pain might really get better. A lot of people who have felt as destroyed and depleted and empty as you are feeling, actually do go on to live much better, and much happier lives. This does not have to be the end of the line for you.

I can't make you stay, or make you hear what I'm saying to you. Depression is a very thick wall to cut through. But I really hope you will take your time about this, and breathe, and consider the ways in which things might actually get better. Maybe you CAN survive. Maybe you CAN still have a purpose in life. Maybe someday, you will be using your medical training and personal experience of this hell on Earth to help someone else out of that dark place someday. You, more than anyone else, have the power to make this a positive force in the world. You have the power to take this pain, and turn it into a movement - even a quiet steady one. You have the power to ease the pain in others, because you get how this feels. Someday you can not only help yourself out of this struggle, but you can help many, many others. Or just one really special person. Experiencing great sorrow and shame is not a weakness in life - it is the thing that brings the greatest strength to be found on Earth. Without feeling pain, you are pretty useless to helping others. But having been through it, you can use that experience to find ways to heal the world of all the things that were wrong about what you have faced.

And you are never, never alone in your struggle. There are millions right beside you, holding your hand, fighting the same fight, and feeling the same thing. And every single one of them is worth something. Every single one of them is needed, and is worthy of love simply because they were born onto this Earth and are a living being. You are worth it, and you are a lovable person, just the way you are.

 

Please. Don't. First, do no harm.

 

please, stay with us (*hug*), life is a gift and in the future you can find what you need, maybe there are some other options for you, as someone above said- maybe you can think about emigration...or think about ways of creating more space in the closet, it must be very tought but you´re a fighter... i wish i could hug you in person

 

You were found and saved, and if anything, you should interpret that as a sign. Not necessarily a "holy" sign, that is up to you. But a sign that you should learn from it and realise that it wouldn't solve anything. In fact it would make matters much worse for everyone around you.
Think of moving to another country seriously, because you live in a way worse cage than I do, and to fully be yourself you have to be in a place that allows you to truly shine. You are a fighter (lol I said the same thing as Jaymmm) , and the mission is to show the world that you know better and you can defeat their bullshit!

And quite irrelevant, but hey another Megaman fan!

 

God, sorry to hear the news Morrisome.

Living in your conditions is harsh and probably everyone of us relate to it to some extend.

Maybe it seems that way for you for now but I don't believe you are the only gay person in S.Arabia... I heard/read about that underground gay culture in Iran. You might sniff around for similar kind things however best thing you can do is getting out of there asap.

You have education and very good carreer which is needed all around the world. Think about more similar places first like here, Turkey or more moderate Muslim countries around.

Putting distance between you and your family also can work. Is there some place in S.Arabia that regular tourism site by foreigners... not Muslims but Westerners. If things like here, those places first to have more relaxed attidute towards LGBT people.

Stay safe and keep in mind while we are in different countries, we care for you.