Dealing with shame

Is your "attraction" to woman real or an ilusary escape?

This attraction may be no less valid than rhe marriage.

It takes time.

I believe you wrote "caring escort" somewhere as a gay experience... A good escort is a paid professional who is supposed to leave you feeling that way.

I am unsure of your approach in self exploration.

 

this resonates with me a lot. I think we are all to some degree brainwashed to live a heteronormative life.. that's why we feel shame. I'm not sure how/when this will go away.

I think you are grieving for the loss of your relationship because as you said your wife has always given you strength. perhaps she will still be that person in the future as she deals with her emotions. you clearly love your wife and don't want to hurt her, your intentions are pure. I think you should talk with her about it but only when you are ready.

take care of yourself and give yourself a moment. try to focus on other parts of who you are as a person, things which give you confidence in yourself and thus a sense of strength (for example, you seem a very articulate person). when you decide how you want to deal with the situation, form a plan of action in your mind considering all eventualities and possibilities as by implementing this you will be able to better deal with practical issues. finally, gather support. perhaps if it's possible you could talk to someone who is close to you? but talking with people here is an excellent thing to do also, it can be so isolating trying to deal with it alone. *hug*

 

Everything you are going through with your wife and your feelings is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I'm 33 so not much of an age difference. But you articulated how I feel so perfectly; it's so great knowing someone else out there knows precisely how I feel and what I'm going through inside my head. For me it was always just sex - a submissive fantasy I could get out of my system a few nights a week and go on with my relationships (with my girlfriend who would later become my wife). But then one day it all turned a corner and it was more than that. I always felt ashamed and still attracted to women on some level, but suddenly a relationship with a guy wasn't so unthinkable or unimaginable anymore. Suddenly now I can't suppress everything or keep it compartmentalized in the back of my mind. There is no way out.

 

Oh, wow, I can relate to that too.