Dealing with Loneliness

Absolutely correct! I had that experience tonight, in fact. It was not a room full of people, but it in a room with several people around a table...and this incredible, depressing wave of loneliness crashed down on me.

I'm frankly still feeling crushed as I write this... Sigh...

 

Hi Zoe,

The purpose of my post was not to tell you I'm experienced similar or even close. Simply to tell you that seeking help now for depression will probably be very helpful. You should also think about the fact that you just came out to your husband which had to be extremely difficult. If you are strong enough to do that, then you are strong enough to handle loneliness, you just may need some help either from a counselor or a close friend that is accepting and understanding.

Do not make the mistake I made with the What Ifs. What if...I never get a job, can't pay my mortgage, can't pay bills, etc. Think positive "I will handle it if/when it comes." Remind yourself or keep telling yourself...I am "on the right path...can handle whatever comes my way...stronger than I think I am."

 

I am just crawling out of a hole of depression and I have felt the fear of being alone messing with me this past week.

My advice would be to focus on today. Be the best person you can be today. If you have a crappy day, it's okay because there is always tomorrow. I have a habit to over plan. I nearly had a panic attack today at my in-law's house thinking about the repricussions of me being a lesbian. (they don't know) So, I had to step back and stop tying to make a 10 year plan. 10 years seems so daunting and scary and horrible, but 1 day or 1 week is doable.

Buddhism teaches living in the now. Appreciating today by not spending too much time worrying about tomorrow. I put quotes and notes up for myself. My computer, my phone, notebooks here and there. I turn to those when I need a focus.

Maybe that will help.

too bad you don't live close to San Antonio, we could be friends.

 

My brother-in-law has a PhD in some type of religious studies had me read a book about how a life of being like Christ is similar to a life of being like Buddha. The book was helpful to me. The Bible speaks of meditation and casting your cares away, but I always felt like it lacked instruction on what that meant. I don't know enough about Buddhism to feel like I can call myself Buddhist, but I do enjoy mixing the two religions to form something that is more of how I feel like I am supposed to live.

Unfortunately, in your situation, all you can really do is work on your attitude/behavior. Your husband is responsible for his own. Hopefully you can get yourself into a better environment soon.

If you don't mind me asking, what are your plans on that?

book-Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Dear Zoe — I know this thread you started is a little dated, but last week you and I were both posting on drs' thread and you were so open and vulnerable in your reply that I wanted to to check in and see how you are doing? I hope that each day you are finding greater ease and clarity on your life path.

I wanted also to comment on just a few things. First of all I want to directly address your husband's reaction to your coming out. From my perspective he is deeply wounded and hurting right now. I am guessing he is feeling a whole lot of shame. He is probably struggling with an internal message that he wasn't "man enough" for you and this hits at the core of male shame — that being perceived as weak. But you need to know this (and I hope you are able to take this into every fiber of your being) this has NOTHING to do with you. All you have done is find your authentic voice and expressed it openly to a person whom you trusted and cared about. As I think I wrote in drs' thread: pain, struggles, ups and downs are all inevitable, but suffering is not. He is choosing to suffer right now. I doubt that it is a conscious choice and he may not possess the skill set to deal with his suffering, but this is his work and not yours. When someone feels shame there is great discomfort and they want to get rid of it. What tends to happen is they try and pass it onto others either via blame, or anger, or an attempt at control. It appears as if he is doing a little of each right now. But again, don't confuse his work with yours. You don't need to take on and certainly not internalize his shit.

Now if you will permit me I would like to address the depression. I echo the sentiments of those above who have recommended getting help with your depression, particularly since you have experienced some suicidal ideation. This isn't something to put off thinking you can handle it on your own. I am not suggesting that you are not competent to handle your own emotional state, but it doesn't hurt to get a professional's perspective, because I know from personal experience with depression that the lenses through which you experience life can get really distorted really fast.

Just like with your husband I am guessing that you too are dealing with shame. People who do not fit into the heteronormative culture can't help but struggle with it. I am going to recommend a book that was one of the major catalysts in my healing process. It is called, "Coming Out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives" by Gershon Kaufman. I would also suggest finding a therapist who not only understands gay and lesbian issues, but also has a working knowledge of shame based identities.

Along with working on shame I am going to invite you to try and remain focussed on the present moment, what is happening in the NOW. What often causes anxiety and depression is that we spend way too much energy time traveling. What I mean by this is that we allow our thoughts to pull us into the past or shoot us off into an uncertain future. When we spend too much time in our thoughts worrying, comparing, stewing, predicting, and planning we are actually inhabiting a fictional world. Our thoughts are just stories we create (sometimes with the help of outside authors such as parents, religious leaders, the culture, partners, etc.). All you really need to concern yourself with is what is happening in the present moment. Sure we need to make plans to make sure our needs are getting met, but those plans should also be present moment experiences and not predictions about being alone, homeless, penniless, and shunned. Taking up a meditation practice can do wonders for helping to guide your mind to be more present moment focussed, even if it is only 15 minutes a day.

Finally the loneliness issue, many people above have spoken on this issue and have made some wonderful comments. I just want to emphasize that being alone and loneliness are two very different things. Shame is another big player here as it is the driving force that keeps us from accepting and loving ourselves. As a result we feel that the only place where we can find love and acceptance is "out there" with someone else. Connections with others are important; however, like everything in life these relationships and connections are impermanent and ever changing. The only thing that will be there beside you whether you are in a crowded room or home alone is you. Learning to love and accept yourself is tantamount to overcoming loneliness. Working on shame and depression and meditating will help immensely with this. When we enter into relationships and we do not love or accept ourselves those relationships tend to be built upon attachment and not real love. We feel that we are not whole unless we are with or have another person. This is simply not true. You are whole and perfect just the way you are in this very moment. Everyone is writing their own story, and where there is overlap with your own there is joy, but there also needs to be freedom so that each of us may continue to let our individual stories unfold. Your husband is struggling with allowing you the freedom to write your own story and he is ignoring his own story right now by letting it get co-opted by external messages and fears.

I can't wait to hear how your story continues to unfold. I hope that you will keep on sharing as it is by allowing our authentic voices to be heard that true connections are forged.

Wishing you ease and joy.