Hi everyone, so now that I’ve come out to my wife, the urge to try to just keep the status quo is overwhelming. We get along fine, I care about her deeply, but I’m gay. I know this is still so very freshly out in the open, but how do you maintain your resolve to live authentically when doing so is breaking your best friend’s heart? This is so hard.
I don't have this situation. But, I do know that it will get better for both of you. I think it is really important for you to remind yourself that you didn't do this. Your sexuality is a part of you and not a choice and you didn't intend on hurting anyone...you just didn't understand. One thing we do know is that your desires and needs won't go away and will likely increase over time. I started to resent my wife and the marriage suffered. So, trying to stay where you are will, likely, cause more pain later. There are some couples who make Mixed Orientation Marriages MOM work. But, these are not for everyone.
It is hard, but it’s honest and true. For me when I came out to myself I forget about everything and had the best 15 minutes of my life. I was in the bathroom and literally laughing and crying. It was the most amazing, the happiest time. Then I went to go to bed since it was the middle of the night and remembered I was going to lay down next to my wife. I sat down on the bathroom floor and cried all night. I knew going back in the closet wasn’t an option, but the thought of hurting everyone was just so much. I honestly went to a dark place for a few weeks. It was not till I came out to my brother in law and he said, “you deserve to be happy.” That I really realized... I do deserve that. Hold on to the truth. Hold on the the “why’s” of you coming out. Those haven’t changed. Anger, pain, sadness these are all temporary emotions and feelings. Don’t make life long, lasting choices because of something that will pass. Your sexuality won’t go away, those things will.
It truly is heartbreaking. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, leaving my husband. And petrifying. And truth be told, your wife might not be able to help you maneuver through this because of her pain and she can't be your person in this. But truly, if you do care about her, love her enough to break free and let her have the opportunity to be loved passionately, if you don't believe you will ever be able to do that. I knew I would not be able to. And there are some brutally gripping and painful times but now after six years, everyone involved is good and grateful for the transformation of our lives. My exhusband and I are friends and capable of doing vacations and holidays together in a big extended gay family. It is happy! I won't tell you it's not still some bittersweet. There is grief sometimes still over loss of dreams and loss of what was. We became grandparents together in 2018. And we both wept when we heard the news. Bittersweet. And I don't believe anyone except those who have gone through this would understand the happiness and loss experienced in those feelings in that moment. But I thing that is the brutifulness of life. And truly living life to its full potential. And it's joyful to live in the truth. And powerful. And worth living.
Thank you all. I know I don’t want a mixed orientation marriage. It’s not fair to either of us. And to your point, I shouldn’t make life long decisions to spare hurt now. It just sucks.
