Dealing with chronic illness and sexual intimacy

BinMS

I had a back injury skiing a couple years ago. One leg numb from the knee down and chronic nerve pain. Damage was down low on the spine. I was not getting better and one day I woke up with both legs numb and severe sciatica. Before this episode, it looked like my issues, while painful, were not threatening. Now, there was concern I had damage further up and they found a tumor higher on my spine. They told me a risk of surgery could leave me impotent if this was a malignancy. I cratered. When I told my wife, she told me WE would get through this (impotency) if that is what happened. This was after nearly 6 months without sex. Big sacrifice on her part! She was just trying to comfort me but I completely lost it!

I was so mad at her that she was not allowing sex with her or sex with men and I might not be able to have sex. And, I had not told her I was bi. Totally irrational. I almost cheated. I almost left her. I almost...I don't know...I wasn't sleeping with the hyper nerves situation. Persistent erections. And my release has always been to exercise hard...which I couldn't. Therapy and this forum saved me.

Because I lied to my wife all these years I could not let her in to help me. I was afraid I would spill it all. It turns out the tumor is benign and probably very slow growing and might not need surgery (and a simpler surgery if it does). Physical therapy is working. And neurotin has allowed me to sleep.

So, I totally get what you are going through. You have lost more than your sexuality with her. You have been denied your sexuality with men too and she cannot possibly understand the depth of this loss. I hope she can learn to accept this. I have no idea how to explain it to someone although I need my wife to know why I was such an ass to her while I was going through this.

I wish I could offer more than to just say "I hear you and know what you are feeling".

 

What I haven't seen in this post is that ED aka impotence is extremely common,more that 3 million cases a a year, Yet there is still a huge public stigma about talking about it that is worse than even what surrounds mental health, myself included. The first real relationship I had was with a boy at 15. We dated on and off for about two years. He was impotent meaning he couldn't achieve a full erection for penetration. That doesn't mean that both of us didn't have lots of orgasms! I was always very satisfied with with our relationship but have always avoided talking about because it would cause him embarrassment.

Erection, organism and ejaculation are all different things. With enough penile stimulation he could achieve an orgasm. A sex therapist would be awesome for anyone struggling with acceptance for what issues you are dealing with as well as have some very specific advise in how to stimulate the right areas and best use of toys. Here is a psychology today quote on the topic. I'll put the link on too.


"Men can have orgasms without erections.That’s right, you don’t need an erection to have an orgasm. In an erotic context filled with kissing, cuddling, fondling, massage, oral, and sex toys, a man with a semi-erect or even flaccid penis can enjoy orgasms as intense as any he ever experienced during intercourse."


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201205/erection-changes-after-50-the-facts

 

I had a nerve-sparing prostatectomy 14 years ago that somewhat dimished my ability to maintain an erection, and I'm on 2 anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds that virtually eliminated erections. A year and a half ago, I got an Rx for Trimix, a compounded injectable vaso-dilator that gives me a firm erection for 1-2 hours. Orgasms are rare, but the injectable works well.