Deadline set. I'm scared.

I've just set a deadline for myself to come out to my parents. By Easter, I will be out and proud. But I'm scared. And don't know when to do it or how. I wasn't expecting this but basically I realised that I wanted to go to prom in a suit, not a dress, and for my family, particularly my mum, to understand why. And Easter was a very definite date, definitely not going to be changed at this short notice! So here we are. I'm terrified at what they'll think.

The reason for posting this is partly to tell someone, but also to get advice. I want to come out to them as both queer and genderflux/questioning my gender. I know that it'll be a lot of information for them at once, but I don't think I'll be able to build up the courage to come out twice. I was wondering if I should do it as a letter first, so it can be read when I'm at college or whatever, and then talked about afterwards, so they know all the facts before having a conversation. What do you guys think?

As far as how they'll take it, I'm pretty sure they won't mind too much about my orientation, it'll just take some getting used to. With regards to my gender, even though I'm still questioning I could really do with their support. I'm just worried my mum won't take it well, that she won't understand.

To those of us who are blessed to not be straight and cisgender, how did you come out? Did you do it twice or all at once? I appreciate you reading to the end, and thanks in advance for any responses!

 

Thanks jay777, I appreciate it. I've written a first draft, it was longer than I expected it to be. Please let me know what you think!

Spoiler

Dear Mum and Dad,

First of all, don't panic. Everything is fine, or at least for me it is. I just have some things to tell you that are worth you thinking about in slower time, without jumping directly into a conversation with me.

I am queer.

I'm hoping that right now you're wondering what all the fuss is about, that there's no need for me to be worried about what you might think. On the other hand, you might be surprised, or not know what to think. For me, being queer is being someone who doesn't fit in a box, whether it be straight, lesbian, or bisexual - I am just me. To completely define myself, I am homosexual biromantic, meaning that I am romantically and sexually attracted to women, and only romantically attracted to men.

To put a date on when I knew, Saturday 15th March 2014 was when I came out to myself as queer. I was scared, but also felt a sense of relief, fitting a piece of the puzzle that is me into place. Since then I have become more comfortable within myself, with my resolve of my orientation becoming ever stronger. So much so that I even asked out a girl I had crush on! Sadly she was straight, but for me, it was an achievement. Do not feel as if you have done anything wrong by me not wanting to confide in you - this has been a personal journey and I wanted to be sure before telling you.

How can I be sure? Truthfully, I don't know. I have spent a lot of time looking at memories in my head, picking up clues from what I've felt over the past few years. At one point I wondered if being around girls for three years had affected my outlook, but in reality, after being at [school] for over a year now, it only made me put it off longer. I reiterate that this is not your fault. In the end the answer was obvious, I had just had my blinkers on the whole time, trying to push through, when really being straight just didn't fit.

Another thing. I am genderflux.

I apologise for giving you all this new information at once, but there aren't going to be many times when I can bring up the courage to come out to you. Genderflux falls into the non-binary gender spectrum, and it is a variant of gender neutrality. It means that what I feel to be my gender identity changes in intensity over time: sometimes I feel like a woman, sometimes only partially, but a lot of the time I do not identify with either end of the gender spectrum at all.

I don't identify very well with other females. As you know, fashion has never interested me, and activities such as shopping and gossiping are just not my cup of tea. Now, I know you could say that on their own those things don't mean that I'm not 100% female, they're just preferences, but it's those combined with all the little things that make me sure. Remember how you could not force me into a skirt for love nor money? How dresses were only for smart occasions if I had to? It's that kind of thing that made me wonder, and the word that I kept coming back to, that I have concluded that I am experiencing, is dysphoria.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Not to the extent that I wish to have surgery - sometimes, on my more female days, I like my chest just as it is. It's the social dysphoria that affects me the most. I do not like being "one if the girls", "ladylike" or even just being called a woman a lot of the time. I would rather be called a person, and seen for my personality more than how much I align to a gender.

Being genderflux has been the most difficult to come to terms with, as I am not as far along in the acceptance process as I am with my orientation. I have days where I am in complete denial over who I am, and I ask for your help and support on this matter. I am lucky that I have such loving parents, and I hope that love can extend to this.

Now I don't know if you've already suspected this, or this has come completely out of the blue, but I want you to remember that I am still me, [insert full name], your child. I have not changed in the slightest, I have just come to know myself better. I love you.

 

Thank you, I'm glad it wasn't too bad. And I'll edit that sentence

 

Thank you for the advice. I wasn't planning to come out on Easter anyway, that would be horrible for me, especially in front of my grandparents too! I think what you've said will apply to the conversation I'll have with my parents after I give them the letter. I don't consider myself part of the trans community, even though technically I probably am, just because at points I do identify with my biological sex. And surgery is another matter I haven't even considered yet, so I won't even mention that now! I might say something about binders, depending on how brave I am. Again, thank you.

 

I did it. Sort of. I gave them half the letter on Thursday, cutting out the bit about my gender. I have started to question my identity majorly again so thought it was best to leave that out for now. It would be an understatement to say that my parents are shocked - they did not see it coming in the slightest, which makes me wonder how close attention they pay to me (not meant to sound bitter, I am one of three siblings so it makes sense). We had a long, emotional talk as soon as I arrived home on Friday. There were many tears, and let's just say that I was not in a good place that evening - I was clinging to my friends' support for dear life. The next morning was better, as my mum especially was being much more rational than the day before - my dad still hasn't said much himself about it. My parents are not homophobic, they just feel betrayed somehow, and feel as if they haven't known me at all throughout my life. In front of them I've managed to stay calm, despite many tears, but I'll be honest in saying it went worse than I expected it would. However they've said that I'm still their daughter and will never kick me out, which is a plus.