I recently came out to a dear friend of mine, I was so happy that I pretty much got a little careless with the computer and my surroundings. My dad found some pages in the history about gay rights and whatnot. Needless to say, he's the slightly homophobic type. So he confronted me yesterday and asked if I were gay. I felt astonished that he would ask me something like that, but I said yes. Basically the look on his face tore me apart. He went a little insane and lectured me on how it's 'wrong' and every now and then he yelled, not the ear-splitting yell, the 'I'm disappointed' yell'. When I replied that it wasn't my choice he screamed at me for a minute or two and just went in his room. I decided to leave him for a day since he obviously needed some time to cool down. I woke up today and tried talking to him, he refused to say anything. I tried making small-talk, showing him pictures of random junk but he just won't talk to me. Then, I discovered-through Facebook-that he told some of my homophobic family members that I'm gay because apparently he wants 'advice on how to deal with it' This is beyond bad. You see, I don't live in a gay-friendly area. If anyone from this bloody place found out I'd probably end up being chased by an angry mob. Also, my family is homophobic, especially my cousin who's coming over today. My cousin is so homophobic he'd give Hitler a run for his money. I'm scared like hell, he should be here in a couple hours. The only reason I'm like this is because I'm still thanking god my brother wasn't informed of it. You see, I have two brothers. The eldest one moved out last year when he turned 19. He revealed he was bi to my father's side of the family, it didn't go well. He hasn't spoken to them for over a year now (including my father). I remember they kept hounding me and my brother with questions and ranting about him, he's pretty much a role-model for me, I always got rather annoyed with the whole 'propaganda' crap they tried to enforce on us. So I KNOW that eventually they'd resort to the same thing with my brother. They'd just never leave him alone. This is bad because he really doesn't need anymore problems than the ones he already has. So I'm grateful for that at least. The only reason I never told him was because he worries too much. So, does anyone have ANY clue on what to do? I definitely can't live like this, I'm sure that when the homophobic cousin gets here he'd force me to sit with him and have a 'talk'. He'd probably insult me as he always does with gays, tell me I'm going to hell, and that I better 'reconsider my choice' Should I deny it and say 'I've changed my mind'? They believe that it's a choice. If I deny it this'll all go away. but do you have any clue on how to make it sound realistic? Or do you have another solution to this problem? The last thing I want is for me to have this conversation with any of my family members. If this doesn't work out, how can I get my dad to acknowledge me again? :icon_sad: If anyone else finds out about this my life is practically over..
You have the misfortune of being surrounded by assholes and idiots. In the absence of a better solution, I feel the best thing to do now is retreat back into the closet and refuse to discuss this with any of your family.
(*hug*) First of all, I want to tell you how incredibly brave it was of you to be honest with your father, considering the family history. I admire how strong you are for doing this, and for standing up for it not being a choice when he went off on you. Your brother might be your idol, but you ought to be someone`s idol as well. Your father was raised in a certain way, to have the beliefs and attitude he has. It does not make it okay, but it explains why he feels so strongly about this. I can promise you that he still loves you, even if he is incapable of dealing with this in a rational and caring way. I am very sorry to hear that he won`t speak to you, and I understand really well how difficult it is, as my mother used that method to guilt trip me when I was younger. It`s the shittiest form of disciplining a child, in my opinion, whether said son/daughter is 5 yrs or 17 yrs. It creates a lot of insecurity and pain in the person, and can actually have harmful effects later. What you need to do, is take a deep breath and search your feelings. Doing so, you should come up with two facts. One: You have not done anything wrong. Two: You cannot change how your father deals with it. Since you cannot do anything about it, and it`s not even your fault nor problem, then push the ball away. If he chooses to ruin the relationship he has with his son, over something that is not the sons fault, nor something that can be changed with the silent treatment, then that is his choice. We love our parents, and when we are younger, the thought of losing our relationship with them hurts like hell. But he is hurting too. And more so if he sees that it doesn`t work, and rather see that you start accepting that he will not speak to you. So that is actually my advice. Show him what it is that he is doing. Stop your attempts at small-talk, don`t show him videos, don`t tell him about your life, and don`t ask him about his. He needs to feel the consequences of what he is doing. He needs to know that his behavior is losing him a son. And then he has to make a choice. Unfortunately, you cannot decide this for him. When enough time has passed and you have given him some time to consider and work on his feelings, write him a letter. Tell him that you are his son, and you will always love him, but whether or not you have a relationship in the future is up to him. You cannot change who you are, and you didn`t choose it. You have however accepted it, and now it`s up to him to either accept you, or reject you. Tell him that you really want to be accepted and loved, but you will accept the choice he makes. The worst thing that happens, is that you grow into an adult without a relationship with your father. Although it is not something any of us want, sometimes that`s the card we have been dealt. You need to focus on your life, what you want from it, what kind of job you can love and what will make you happy. That`s the choices you need to be focused on. Even though it might not be comfortable in your house right now, you can and will get through this. Study, be with your friends, try to enjoy your hobbies. Spend time out of the house, take walk, do runs, get some fresh air if being in the house is unbearable. You will get through this! And when you are old enough and have the means to leave the house, you`ll get out of the whole mess, if he hasn`t come around by then. Lean on your friends. I hope you are still in touch with your older brother? Maybe he can be of some support to you? (*hug*) And we are here for you as well!
First of all: you are not alone, even if it looks it at the moment (*hug*) Your father is obviously very wrong and his reaction is the opposite of what he should be doing. You, on the other hand, are astonishingly brave and you are (seemingly) handling this incredibly well. Unfortunately, you are not in a position to take a rigid stance and make rushed decisions. I don't agree that you should deepen your problems with your father; you are too young for that; actually, your brother is as well. But you don't have to lie either, because that would not help much in regards to their views of you and their suspicions and, more importantly, it would make you feel horrible. What you could do is take a more passive position. You could tell them that, yes, you do think you are gay and you feel attraction towards guys, but that you are above all confused about sexuality, about how people treat gays and so on. Rather than saying "gay is ok" you can say "I don't see why gay is wrong" and similar things. That way you will be truthful, you will hold your ground, be honest, but not agitate them; that way you can project the image of a confused child, which they expect of you anyway at fifteen. Also, they will have to explain themselves and not just yell "it's wrong, it's wrong". I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope it will be ok. Tell us how it goes. And remember, we are here for you, truly (&&&)
