Dad might be gay - Advice Please

The problem, as I see it, is that at that age, you can be so used to the closet, so afraid for your family to know, that unless it's explicit that she does know, he may not ever even confront the fact. I dated a deeply closeted guy, and if someone asked, he generally denied it. If someone acknowledged it, he was ok with it. I know each and every situation is different. But, I also feel that if he's 45, 50, 60 years old, just providing a supportive environment may not be enough. It's an important part of his life, and overtly acknowledging it may be the best option. As Aldridge said, he may simply not respond. But then there's at least a tacit understanding that all are aware, and all are fine. Again, I wouldn't ask, I would just acknowledge it in the letter.

 

I do like the option mentioned above about asking him about the ring that he took off. that was an even that you witnessed, and not asking about it at the time was considerate, but asking later on makes sense. you saw it, you're wondering about it, it is definitely a conversation starter. personally, if one of my kids asked, and acted supportive of gays, I would feel relieved. good luck.

 

I'm not expert, but given the presence of the ring and other descriptions, they seem to indicate that he's not likely to be in the closet to everyone, or to himself still. If that were the case then I think a great deal of caution would still be advisable.

In this case it seems like the overwhelmingly likely reason he hasn't told you is he fears a bad reaction. Since you know this wouldn't be the case, I would think you could afford to be a little more aggressive in letting him know that you know and are fine with it. Not saying necessarily that point blank bluntness is the best option, but finding away to let him know that his fears are unfounded could be a good thing for both of you.

 

My daughter had heard rumor of my true identity from a person I thought I could trust. She sat me down and asked me point blank. She's my daughter and I love her so we chatted. She wasn't upset that I was gay, just that I chose to get remarried to a woman.
We had a wonderful conversation as I did my best to explain the realities of homophobia to a much younger and accepting generation.
My daughter and I are closer now than we have ever been.

I can empathize with your dad. It doesn't matter who you are, attempting to redefine "manhood" to your kids as a tough road to walk. The best thing that my little girl did for me, was to let me know that I am still the same "man" that she has always looked up to.

 

thanks for sharing such a beautiful story. It is so great to hear some perspective from a dad who has been there. as a dad in the closet, one of my big concerns has always been how my adult children would handle it, and how it would affect our relationship. Knowing that they know and that they love us just the same as always has GOT to be better than living with that burden of how they might react if they found out.

 

Amen.

 

"So which one of you popped the question?"
"Nice band, Dad! How much did it cost, [insert partner's name]?"

Ask a rhetorical question. I mean he isn't gonna tell you how much he spent on your old man's ring but it'll help get the stick out their asses.

I think the very real difference between a member of an older generation coming out to a younger one is the rate of acceptance and empathy shown.