Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me?

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

I've been going to gay coming out groups about twice a week over the past couple months.

The one thing I've heard over and over again, is that for a lot of gay men, its sex first, relationship later.

The hetero normative thing is something like/love/ kiss/ make out/ sex/ relationship. I'm not so sure that's what's typical with gay men though.

And no judgement about that. After all, sex is a need, its pleasure, is that so bad?

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

It sounds like he's having trouble admitting to himself that he's gay, he wants to fulfill sexual desires but when it comes to kissing, his romantic desires, he doesn't want to do what is perceived as gay. He also sounds a little immature, give him time to contemplate his sexuality, maybe he'll come around.

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

I made a friend who would talk dirty to me (he was actually the first person I see came out to), but he never said he was gay. I fell for him for so many reasons, and felt a deep connection for him. He outted me to some mutual friends bc he could tell I liked him. He said some gay shit to me as well, just as you described. I can go on and on about our friendship, but I'll make it quick. I saved his life after finding him overdosed on heroin in the bathroom, he moved to another halfway house several states over, and I tried to keep in contact with him. There was some mutual attraction still, but I finally asked myself, "if this works out between us, do I really want to be with someone who will never be able to commit?". The answer was absolutely not.

The thing is, he knows he has a hold on you, and he is already showing signs of being emotionally abusive. You don't want that for yourself. Move on to the next crush. This guy is so far in the closet, and is not planning on coming out soon. Tell him you don't appreciate how he is trying to USE you. You have put a lot of work into coming out so that you can carry the relationships you want - healthy ones. Don't sell yourself short. You will regret it for a very long time due to the pain it will cause.

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

I'm gonna go with the following: how can sex possibly be hot if he won't kiss you on the fuckin' mouth?

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

I understand the whole associating kissing with emotions and sex with just looks, but I would never have sex with someone who wouldn't want to be kissed. I think kissing is the best part and I'd hate to not have it while I'm being intimate.

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

I totally agree, I think people consider kissing and such much more significant in regards to homosexuality than sex, since sex can be excused as just a lustful act, you can dump the person at any time and claim to have never had feelings for them. But there's something innocent and wonderful about kissing that expresses a real, emotional bond with the person, that can't be denied afterwards. Now of course, making out-type kissing is a whole other animal, but the kind of kissing and romantic stuff this guy seemed to avoid is exactly the kind that is very committal.

As for the OP, I'd definitely avoid this relationship. Casual sex is fine if that's your thing and you do it safely (I personally can't imagine it myself, but it's just a different perspective, not any more right or wrong), but that's not what you're looking for. You clearly like this guy in a fuller sense, and as you said, you want a real relationship. That's not what he can give you. And although it may seem like casual sex would be the next best thing, I can assure, you it's not. I once knew a guy about 3 years back (we were both the same age) who was definitely gay, he used to flirt heavily with me, and was pretty forward about his intentions. At the time I was pretty confused, and sort of half wanted to try things out if you know what I mean, but I decided not too. Like you, I didn't really want a purely sexual relationship, it would have no meaning to me, and furthermore, the difference in intentions (he wanted a casual relationship, I didn't) would just blow up eventually. Looking back, I'm definitely glad I didn't go for it, since I wasn't ready, and probably would have ended up hurt. Like you, I too want a romantic relationship, built upon love, not lust. Love means so much more to me, and is worth the effort that comes with a relationship. Lust is fleeting and meaningless in the long term.

 

Re: Crush wants me to bang him and be kinky with him...but he doesn't want to kiss me

Why not tell him that you feel that the situation is getting awkward and you want to start talking again like before or something like that, What I find useful in situations like this is to be honest and direct that way I'm clear on my intention and that I want to fix something if it's affecting me in a way that this is affecting you.