Crazy mixed signals from bisexual crush

You know what, I'm going to do that. I think rather than talk (at least at first), I'll give him the letter. Saying everything. I've been thinking a lot about it, and I've decided that it's for the best that I just lay everything on the table. To be honest, the best I'm expecting is that he'll tell me he's not interested in a romantic relationship, and we'll still be friends. I also won't be surprised if he disappears or avoids me, out of a feeling of awkwardness. I'll do my best to assure him (and truthfully so) that when we're together, I'm not fantasizing about him. I'm just savoring the time we spend together, since he's fun to be with. I value and respect him as a person, the physical attraction is just the superficial side of it. Still, he might not believe me, which is why it might be weird for him.

I'm just going to go all in, I've done my best to take things slowly, and all that's gotten me is 3 or 4 really great moments vs a ton of disappointments and pain. I've been kind to him without any agenda, I've been there for him, I didn't give up on him during the times he hurt me unintentionally, I've respected his work, and I've respected him. I think I've done the best I can in a healthy manner, so if that's not enough to even earn a good friendship, I can't keep it up. I don't expect him to love me, I just expect him to be a good friend.

He's been kind to me, but he just hasn't reciprocated anywhere near the same level of empathy and effort. I ask him to spend one evening with me on his birthday (and even on another day if he was unavailable then), he turns me down. I invite him along with my friends (which he enjoyed, we're all introverts really, no it wasn't intimidating for him), he goes to a party and doesn't think to ask me along, even just as a friend (FYI it wasn't a personal party either, it was just a group get-together from an online community).

I don't hate him for it, I still think well of him. If we can't be together, I honestly hope he finds someone who he can be happy with, I can tell that deep inside he is lonely, maybe I'm just not the right person. And that's alright . Also despite the amount of confusion and pain I've felt over the last 4 months with him, I wouldn't undo it. I've learned a lot from this relationship, primarily that I'm mostly attracted to guys rather than girls, I just never really knew it before. Additionally, meeting him made me realize that unless I step up and search, a soulmate isn't just going to drop into my lap. For the longest time, I just spent most of time at home, wondering why I couldn't find someone. If I hadn't of stepped up and said "I can help with that" to the boy who sat across from me in class, I would never have fallen in love. So now I can explore my romantic side, and maybe have a much easier time finding someone who's more compatible.

So here's the dealio. Tuesday I'm going to ask him if he wants to do this thing, one final time (Tuesday so that there'll have been a few days since I first asked). If he makes an excuse to avoid answering me, or just flat out turns me down, I'm going to give him the letter before the end of the day on Wednesday, which will basically say everything. If I get to that point, I have no doubt in my mind that he will either disappear or tell me we're just friends, however I can only fully move on knowing that door is closed. It has the added benefit of giving him an explanation for why I'll need to pull away from him for a few weeks, so that he won't think I'm snubbing him. I really don't want to hurt him, life's been hard on him enough. If he accepts my offer, then I'll delay deciding whether to give him the letter or not until after the date. If it goes well, well who knows, we might be together without a need to just dump everything out. However, if I get any more avoidant responses, I'm ending my attempts to start a romance. I'll take some times away from him (I'll explain to him why), and then if he's fine with it, I'll still be friends with him. Being friends will be a lot easier, since it won't bother me as much when he just disappears or does something without me. I'm not the jealous type, my best friend's been dating (a girl) for almost a year, and I couldn't be happier for him

 

Well guys, it's Tuesday, I'm giving him the letter tomorrow. Nothing will stop me, I'm a little nervous, but I'm certain that this needs to be done. If there can be nothing between us, I have to move on. I'm going to tell him everything, I don't care if it's a lot to process. I really doubt anything will happen between us, but that's fine with me. I truly feel like I can move past this now, that I might be able to find someone else who cares about me just as much as I can care about them. I've already written the letter, it's about 2 pages, it explains that I feel like more than friends, and the depth of my feelings for him. I go on to talk about the great things about himself (and I mean them sincerely), since I believe that regardless of what his feelings for me are, he needs to hear someone say he's beautiful, smart, and likeable. If he doesn't have any feelings for me, I hope that the letter at least serves to help him in some way, and I hope he finds someone too. I honestly care about him very deeply, unconditionally. Even if I find someone else, who has more chemistry with me, he'll still be special to me. I hope we can still be friends, but I won't be surprised if he just starts avoiding me. That's what he does under pressure. Maybe he'll prove me wrong though.

Anyways, I never ended up asking him out. He kept avoiding me, Monday he didn't come in to school, claiming his neck hurt from the party he went too (which may or may not be true, but considering his response to me asking him out was to hide, become unresponsive, etc, I find it hard to believe that wasn't the main reason he skipped). He hasn't mentioned it at all. I'm not really angry, at this point I've really stopped being hurt or angry when he does something like this. I just decided that I shouldn't have to chase him to get him to spend one evening with me, so if he wants to do it still, he can bring it up. Otherwise we just won't. He's still been nice and friendly (he actually gave me a cookie he made in Home Ec class today, which was sweet of him, but I'm done reading things into his actions. Half the time I end up being wrong) it's just irritating that he is clearly avoiding giving me an answer. I'd respect him more if he'd just say no to me, rather than delaying any answer until it's just too late.

I've really made a lot of progress moving away from this relationship. I think I overinvested my feelings in him, I have a history of falling for people who express an interest in me, which I think is due to some self-esteem issues, as well as the fact that I always just assumed love was super-rare, and that you should grab it at any chance (I never really consciously thought that, but that's what my behavior leans towards). After thinking about why I felt I so desperately needed this to work out, I realized something: A relationship should be mostly a happy thing. A real relationship, even in the early, painfully uncertain days, should be a source of happiness, or at least more happiness than sadness or disappointment. And I thought back over the last few months, and realized, there have only been a few times during this thing where I was truly happy. The rest was this miserable confusion, constantly unsure what he thought of me, despite trying to take action to figure it out (I wasn't just sitting around waiting for him to tell me he liked me, I was asking him over, talking to him, etc). Furthermore, I realized that though he has been kind to me, and I appreciate that, he has put very little work into our friendship. He wasn't using me, but most of our friendship has been me taking the initiative to start things. There was about 2 or 3 times where he actually went out of his way to ask me to do something with him, the rest was either just convenience (i.e we talk in classes), or me asking him if he wanted to hang out. There was plenty of opportunities for him to show more interest in me, but he never took them. Shyness, fear of rejection, etc, can't explain them, since he'd reject even the small things, like walking home together after school (we both go in the same direction, he just didn't want to bother taking 5 minutes to walk his bike alongside me).

I don't hate him, but he just hasn't made much of an effort to be a good friend, let alone someone romantic. I did my best to be flexible, to sacrifice as much of my needs as I could do without completely compromising myself, and that wasn't enough. He just rarely gives an indication that we're close.

So tommorow, I'll give him the letter after school. I plan to not come online to chat until later, I want to give him time to think about it. When I have his answer (if I get one), which might be then or Thursday, I'll post back here to let you guys know.

 

Holy fuck I just gave him the letter. I told him to meet me after school, that I wanted to give him something for his birthday. The letter contains everything, I didn't hold back. I emphasized that I wasn't expecting him to do anything, that all I wanted was to ascertain what we were, more than friends, or just friends. I basically wrote it so that it was clear that if he doesn't feel the same that's alright, and that I know he might need space to absorb it.

And I fucking gave it to him. I told him to open it at home, I didn't want to make him give me an answer right there in the middle of the school. But now he'll know everything. Holy shit I can't believe I did it. It's such a relief, the secret's off my chest. I told him was working tonight, as I don't intend to go online until much later. I don't want to force him to answer without giving him time to sort of absorb what I wrote. I'll go online later tonight, and finally hear the answer to this great mystery.

That's fine with me. I feel better already, knowing that today is the end of my confusion. There is no ignoring this, either he'll tell me he likes me too, or that we're just friends, or he'll just disappear and not say anything. Any of those will be fine with me, since they are all innately yes/no answers. There's no ambiguity to it.

I can honestly accept that he might not feel attracted to me, in fact, if that's true, I still look forward to the future. I want to give him a chance if he's up to it, but at the same time this relationship really hasn't been as dreamy as I thought it was. I love him, but his avoidant behavior has made things difficult, so if he pushes me away, well, I know there's probably someone out there who could love me back, and that if I look long enough, I'll find them someday.

I made it clear in the letter that I am completely willing to be just friends, and that I won't make any advances if he tells me he doesn't feel that way. I'm not going to try and change his mind. If he can't trust me on that (and I've demonstrated my trustworthiness before), then we never truly were friends, so I'd have lost nothing.

---------- Post added 19th Dec 2012 at 03:40 PM ----------

I'm freaking out right now, I don't know how to describe the feeling, it's not really fear that he'll reject me, or that he'll tell anyone (firstly, I doubt he'd be so coldhearted, secondly, even if he does, he'd look like a dick for it, since it's obviously a personal letter that was intended to be kind). I just feel tense. I guess it's because I've placed my feelings entirely in his hands, trusting that he won't hurt me. Even though I don't believe he'd be hurtful (he might get weirded out and leave, but I can't see him being cruel), I guess it's hard to get over that fear.

 

Yeah, I basically told him everything. Originally when I decided to do the letter thing, I would have been worried sick that he'd reject me, but I've realized now that he just hasn't been very emotionally invested in the relationship, but that I might as well give it one more chance, so that I know this story is definetly closed, and can move on (by move on, I mean romantically, I'll still really care about this guy, but I'm not going to spend years crushing on him).

Basically, it's a win-win: If he likes me, well I'll be happy, but a little skeptical. Not that he's lying, but that this whole avoidant thing will keep going on. I can accept a need for space, but in a more serious relationship I'd hope we could spend more than one or two days a month together outside of school lol. Additionally, I'd be way happier if he just was honest when he wanted time alone, it's not like I'm going to pout, which I've directly told him before. But I'll still be really excited

If he tells me we're just friends, well I'll be a little let down, but at the same time I've learned a lot from this whole thing, and I now feel way more empowered; that if I actually work on my own hobbies and spend more time out joining clubs or attending events with people who share my interests, that I'll find someone who's interested in me too

And finally, if he just drops contact with me, I'll be disappointed, but at the same time, if he doesn't trust me enough to give me a chance to prove I won't make things awkward, was he ever really a friend in the first place? There wasn't one thing in that letter that I'm ashamed of, nothing sexual, or weird. I told him that I deeply care about him, and that he's a great person, which is true. Despite how difficult and confusing it's been, I still respect him. He's talented, and I feel he was worth that respect. The letter put no pressure on him to feel the same, I openly acknowledged that I suspect I've been overestimating his feelings, and that I just want to honestly get back on the same page with each other, so I don't mess up our friendship. So I think that if he's a true friend, he'll respect the trust I put in him when I revealed my feelings to him. I understand if he needs space to kind of absorb everything I've told him, but if he plans on just leaving me hanging on this, then I don't believe I've lost anything. I've never been pushy about my feelings for him, I don't see any reasonable justification to hide.

Anyways, so I'm probably going to come online and chat with him much later in the night, so I'll know either way tonight. If he doesn't come on, I'll take that as a definitive sign he's not interested. When someone gives you a letter like the one I gave him, there isn't really any excuse not to take 5 minutes to say something to them, regardless of what your feelings are.

If he wants to stay just friends, I'm going to tell him that I'll need to distance myself from him for a little while, for the good of our friendship. I'll assure him it's not me giving him the cold shoulder, and that I'll still talk to him, but that I'll need to minimize the time together. At this point though, I feel as if I've already began getting over him. It's not that my feelings for him are fake, it's just that I've become so used to getting my hopes up, then being disappointed by (my expectations of) him, that in my heart of hearts, I know he doesn't feel the same. This is just to bring this whole thing to a definitive close, so that I won't look back and think "Maybe we could have had something, if only I'd held on just a little longer". I still care about him, and I want to give it just one more infallible shot. I read my letter a few times, and I could see no angle at which it could be particularly intimidating. It was honest, to the point, and clearly stated I wasn't asking him to commit himself to me. If he says he has no romantic feelings for me (or doesn't say anything), there'll be no doubt in my mind that he's telling the truth.

I realize that if this doesn't change things, he's not going to. The thing is, it won't be so dissapointing to me only hanging out every now and then, since there won't be any pretext to them. It'll just be two friends chilling, which I like to do, but way less. I'm not demaning in any relationship, especially friendships. Me and most of my other friends hang out mostly in school, and occasionally visit each others places.

Additionally, I will be careful if he does say he likes me. I'm not going to be distrustful or anything, but I won't tolerate being placed on the backburner all the time. If he keeps avoiding me 70% of the time, I'll just tell him, I can't be in a relationship like that. It's too painful. What I'm willing to do, is give it a try. I'm not expecting him to suddenly want to live together or something lol; if we both know we like each other, it will allow things to develop at a much faster pace than they have been so far. I'd expect to see some change in our closeness, if not, back to friendship.

Whatever the answer turns out to be, I feel positively about the adventure . Thanks to him I've realized I really want to get into electronic music production, so there's something I'll carry away with me from this experience. I've also realized that love isn't just something that drops into your lap; you have to look for it. Take the initiative. So I feel way more optimistic that if things don't work out with him, someday I'll find someone I can love, who'll love me too It's been a long, mixed experience, but worth it. I'd do it all again.

 

Well, we talked. In short, he thinks of me as a really close friend, but he told me he just can't bring himself to love anyone at this point in his life. He was so kind explaining to me, I feel like though he kindly rejected me, he didn't break my heart. I'm sad, but not heartbroken or devastated. It's a good sadness, I know I'll feel better

Anyways, he was so kind to me, way more than I expected. He explained to me how much he appreciated what I said, that he really cared about me too, but that he just couldn't feel love for someone right now. I think he really meant it, he said that he thinks I'm a great person, and that he doesn't know anyone else who is as good of a friend He explained everything to me, we chatted for about 40 minutes. He made the entire thing clear to me, all of the confusion. He guessed how I felt pretty early on, and though he didn't say this I suspect a lot of the mixed signals were the result of him really caring about me as a friend, but not wanting me to be hurt by his feelings being different. This explains why he kept avoiding doing things together, I think he didn't want me to start thinking of them as dates, which makes sense. So he told me he cares about me a lot, perhaps more than a normal friend, but he just doesn't "love" me. In that way. But that's alright, he was so sweet about it that it didn't feel hurtful, I didn't feel like any less of a good person. He did say that he's not entirely opposed to the idea, that maybe he'll fall in love with me some day, but I'm not betting on that. Maybe he meant it literally, maybe he was just trying to comfort me. Whatever the answer is the fact that he cared about my feelings makes me so happy. Somewhere down the line, maybe things will change, maybe someday we will be together, but I'm not waiting for that day. I'm also not looking to rebound off him and replace him with someone else, but if I meet someone who I feel strongly about, I feel ready to move on romantically. And if some day his feelings change, and I'm available, maybe we'll be together. Who knows. I just know that I feel ready to move on with my life, and that I can count him as my best friend.

I can't begin to explain how kind he was, I'm getting a little teary eyed. I was so scared that he would be creeped out by it, not because I was desperate to stay with him, but just the fact that he might have thought that I was just sitting there fantasizing about him, and be really weired out by it. Or that he'd just stop talking to me. But in the end he told he how happy the letter made him, and that we're going to be close friends forever. He really understood exactly what I meant, I'm not even sure if I explained it well, but it's like he could see my feelings for him and understand them perfectly. He wasn't in the slightest bit disturbed by the fact I literally told him I love him, he was really grateful for the things I said, and clearly valued my feelings. We explained literally everything to each other, we're finally on the same page, and we rounded off the conversation with some unrelated chat about things we're looking forward too, like some music equipment I've ordered. I think things will continue on, and that rather than pushing him away, we've become good friends. I feel loved, not in the way I originally hoped, but loved and trusted as a good friend, and I know I was right to feel the way I do for him. He proved himself worthy of my love, despite not sharing it, he was so gentle letting me down.

This was not the fairytale ending, but it was a happy ending. I now have someone who is truly my best friend, and I know I'm ready to begin healing, and moving on. I couldn't ask for more. Thank you all so much for your support, I don't think I'd have made it to where I am if I hadn't been able to to talk about my stress and pain, and bounce ideas off of everyone. This could have ended in many ways, but I have to say that short of him feeling the same, this is the best. I'm so relieved. It's finally over . The adventure that was this romance has ended, but a new and close friendship has begin, and I have my whole life to look forward too. Too anyone else that reads this and has a similar dilemma, if you think your crush is kind and smart, tell them once it gets to the point where waiting just doesn't make a difference (don't tell them 2 weeks after meeting them, but like in my case, I've known him for 4 months, so I didn't have much to lose by revealing everything).

 

Well he did state that he feels very close to me, and that he has feelings for me, but that it just wasn't love. Basically, he was telling me that he wished he could love me, but he just couldn't feel it. That's normal. I know plenty of amazing people, but despite being friends, I can't just flip a switch and make myself love them.

As for what he meant by not being able to love me, again, I think I can confidently say why. He's had a really hard past, he lived with his Dad for many years and had some good friends where he lived (and one really good friend). His Dad never did anything over the top, but he was just completely emotionally unavailable, I get the impression he never really expressed affection or love much. Even worse, when some custody issue came up, his family on his Dads side basically rejected him, and for the remaining 6 months or so his Dad and the family in that house literally did the bare minimum for him. They didn't cook him dinner or let him join in on family stuff, a bunch of fucked up neglectful shit. Then, when he finally got transferred into his mom's custody, he had to leave the group of friends he built up there. That one friend he was close to stuck with him as best as one can expect in a long-distance friendship (they still meet up online to game together), but his other friends just gradually lost contact with him. His mom seems to do more with him, they watch TV together, laugh together, stuff life that, but again, there's a bit of a rift there. She kicked him out of the house once, or more accurately, her shitty boyfriend did (and she didn't stop it), but they eventually sort of patched things up. But you can see, he has a pattern of just not being loved by anyone (or the people that do love him being very bad at expressing it). He's also lost a lot of relationships, and been really dissapointed and rejected by people he loved. So when he says he can't feel love for me, I know what he means. He just has gotten so used to not being loved, that he doesn't know what to feel when someone does. I hope that my being honest with him about how much I love him helps him heal the wounds he has, but I know that will take time.

Basically, what he said is that he might fall in love with me some day, but that he just didn't feel that way right now. So essentially, we're verrrrrrrrrry close friends, so technically it could get closer, but he's not guaranteeing anything. And I'm not going to read anything into that. The whole point of this was closure, if I start longing for a romantic relationship again, it will have made it pointless. I know one thing, that we're now best friends. And I can be happy with that. I'm not going to hide from my feelings, they didn't just disappear, but they'll subside into a friendship-type love given time. The reason I was so tortured by this is that I just never knew what his feelings were, if he liked me or if we're just friends. Now I do, and I can begin to heal.

I truly believe that he meant what he said, that he wasn't messing with me or trying to keep the door open for himself. The conversation we had was the closest one I've ever had, both of us just saying exactly what we feel. I now know that all of the hurt I've felt has just been a misunderstanding, and that he values our friendship and my feelings. He took my admission of love better than I could ever have hoped, it made him feel happy, rather than uncomfortable, which makes me glad.

 

I think it's even better than just being friends; I'm not in denial, I believe he meant exactly what he said. But we both agreed that this has brought us closer together, so I feel that now we're best friends. I'm just so glad, because he's an amazing person, and being good friends is still great He'll always be special to me, my first real love.

I'm optimistic about the future, this has made me feel that more than ever, that I can find a soulmate. I'm going to be careful about not jumping into anything any sooner than maybe 6 or so months, I've been crushing on my friend for 4 months now, so I don't want to get into a rebound crush. I need to truly heal first.

 

Just want to follow up, as today was the first day seeing and talking to each other in person after I told him yesterday. I just want to confirm that things really are as good as they sounded yesterday. It was a little weird talking again, since we both knew everything that the other had been feeling, sort of an elephant in the room type thing. But we just started acting exactly as normal, talking and laughing about normal things, we hung out at lunch at my place (platonically, just ate some foodz and watched some funny videos), and afterwords, on the way back to class, I decided to bring up my feelings again, not to ask him to change his mind or push the issue; I just thanked him in person for how kind and loving (in a friend way) he was about letting me down. We only talked a little, as I didn't want to look like I was trying to segue this bond of friendship into a romance, as I don't. He told me he understood exactly what I meant, and that my feelings didn't bother him, and I believe him. I'm glad we talked in person about this whole thing, as it means that we've both truly acknowledged the nature of our relationship and each others feelings, so this entire thing won't undermine our friendship.

I really can't thank him enough, it brings tears to my eyes how sweet he was about dealing with this. I really didn't think he'd even confront the issue, let alone actually understand that my feelings for him weren't sexually charged or superficial, that rather than feeling uncomfortable at the thought, he derives some happiness from it. The way he dealt with this whole thing proved that he really does care about my feelings; I don't feel like a fool for loving him anymore. He's a wonderful person, and it hurts me so much that his unfortunate circumstances growing up has made it difficult for him to love someone, he really deserves to be able to be happy with someone, anyone. I just hope that this experience has helped him as much as it's helped me, that maybe someday he'll be able to completely get over the scars he's accumulated over the years.

Yeah, I really do hope that my feelings have helped him. The last few months have been painful for me, not knowing what his feelings were, but the experience, especially with this conclusion has really helped me. I'm no longer the apathetic person I was before, feeling lonely, but never making an effort to actually try and connect with someone. Now I think I'll be more likely to find love again, knowing that it requires me to take risks, to trust people with my feelings. I have my share of barriers when it comes to trusting people, so when I managed to get the courage to hand him a letter that basically had all of my feelings written into it (I can safely say that walking towards him, holding out the letter, and then seeing my "heart" being carried away was literally the most terrifying experience in my life xD), I took a risk that he'd hurt me, and found that he didn't. I think it will be easier to do it again, when the time comes to share my feelings with someone else.

As for me and him, I'll say this, I think I'll always be able to love him, so if he changes, I'd love to be with him. But I consider "the book" (my hopes of romance) closed, at least for now. I've stopped being flirty (we still act really close to each other, but I'm not contriving to do any intentional flirting), I've stopped trying to arrange "dates". I'd still love to take him out according to my original plan, but platonically. Just two friends having a good time. But I think I'll wait for now. I want to make sure that I don't start yearning for him again, I want to let things on my side cool down a little.

 

Well I love him, just because of who he is. I do not however expect him to "love" me (at least the same way I do) to date me. Some people can just start a romantic relationship for the heck of it and see if love comes later. I at least need to feel a strong connection in order to date someone, I've never really understood the idea of just dating someone without that initial spark (i.e they're cute so you ask them out). I'm not being pretentious, that's just what I'm comfortable with. I believe he's the same, but additionally he's had a lot of family issues, and I believe him when he says that he just can't feel the same way at this point in his life. You have to understand; he has faced on and off emotional neglect and rejection from almost every member of his family. He lost his close friends when his custody was transfered to his mother, and there he faced a really up and down relationship. At times, they seem to be close, but at others she's really hurt him, kicking him out of the house for example. He's obviously been hardened to attaching to people, after being rejected so many times I think it's difficult to form a relationship. I accept that it might also just be that he just doesn't feel that way for me. The idea saddens me, but it doesn't hurt me or my self-esteem. Love just happens, it's outside of your control. It would be stupid to be angry or hurt by his not feeling the same. On the contrary, the fact that he was so good about understanding my feelings (and I didn't hold back. I literally wrote that I love him), and that we're still good friends, has made this a lot easier. I don't feel worthless or anything like that, just sad that we can't be together in the way I dreamed of, but those feelings will heal with time. He was loving in his own way

As for whether or not he literally meant it when he said that he's not sure if he could love me, and that maybe in the future he will, I'm happy that he said that, but I'm not going to form an opinion of whether or not he really meant it, or if he was just trying to be kind (as in trying to assure me that there's nothing specifically wrong with me that makes him opposed to the concept). In either case, the outcome is the same. For now and the near future, we're good friends. Maybe someday we'll grow to be more than that, but I'm not going to bet on it. The whole point of me telling him was closure, and I've gotten that. If his feelings change and I happen to be single, then I'd probably be delighted to see where things go. But I'm not going to rely upon it, not going to sit around waiting for something to happen that might not ever occur. We have a great friendship, and I'm happy that we have that.

 

Just another update:

Things aren't going as well as I'd hoped. It might be nothing, but I'm starting to get some "messing with you" vibes from him. I don't mean in a malignant way, but more like he just doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't think how his actions are affecting me.

So here's what's happened: We've been pretty good the last few days, just like good friends. Then yesterday, for literally the first time ever, he invited me over to his house sometime after Christmas (I've hung out at his place a bunch of times, but it was usually me that initiated the "we should hang out" thing). The thing is, he was vague about when, and when I suggested a time to him, he said he'd check with his mom. He never got back to me. I went to work yesterday, came back, joined chat, and he went offline literally 5 or so minutes after I came online, and he'd been on the entire day. He's done crap like that before, but I've never understood why (it's not like I spam him with messages, if I send a message and he doesn't reply, I don't keep sending). So I was a little pissed at that, but at the same time realized it could just be a fluke. So the next day (today), I come online in the morning, he comes on a couple of hours later. I wait 5 minutes, then send a "Hey! Sup?" message. Nothing. 2 minutes later, he changes his status to "Away". This he has done several times before, I'll send a message, and he'll change his status to Away, then a while later "return" and respond. I've always assumed he just doesn't know I sent a message, since there's never been any reason why he'd have to do something like that to avoid me (whenever he seems like he's busy or doesn't feel like talking, I respect that and leave him alone. I'm not the type to leap on a conversation and trap a person for hours lol). But still, it's happened a few times, and I'm starting to wonder if it's intentional. As for hanging out, I'm starting to suspect that when I check with him again next time I see him, he'll be vague about when we're going to do it. I hate to think poorly of someone, it makes me feel selfish and paranoid, but I've just noticed this pattern that looks a lot like manipulation, where he commits, and then backs out. It's a lot like he's just checking to see I'm still interested or something.

Another thing that put up a red flag was he mentioned yesterday a friend had bought him a router for Christmas. This is the same friend I mentioned a few posts back, the one that he was really close to as a kid, and is still close too (though they don't see each other a lot). This router probably set the guy back $50 at least, which says to me, this guy likes him as more than a friend (I don't know about everyone else, but I typically don't buy my platonic guy friends expensive gifts, nor do they for me. A card maybe, or something small like a game on sale). This isn't a problem for me, since I'm not expecting a relationship anymore. If this guy likes him, that's fine, but what put up a red flag in my head was that this guy seems to like him a lot too, he's known him for at least 3 years, they used to hang out a lot, and yet they're not together. If this friend does like him, I doubt it's a recent development, since it would be odd to suddenly start crushing on a friend after you haven't seen each other for a while, usually that's something that happens after spending lots of time together. So this kind of says to me "There's been others before me, who have possibly spent years liking this guy, with no returns". He also pulls some of the same stunts that he does with me with this guy, like telling him they'll chat at a certain time, and then being like 5 hours late (I know this because he mentioned to me when I was leaving after hanging out that he'd forgotten to chat with that friend a few hours ago).

I still believe he's a good person at heart, but it looks like he has a history of leading people on, perhaps unintentionally. It's like he just doesn't know how his actions make people feel, this friend of his sounds like he's really into him, and yet he pulls the same stuff with him. And by every right, that friend should be even closer to him than I am; my crush used to live with him when he fell on hard times with his family. I'm still going to give him a chance to redeem himself, I'll see if he really meant it about hanging out, but if he's vague or makes excuses to get out of hanging out when he himself suggested it on his own accord, I think I'm just going to stop investing my time and emotions in this friendship. I'm a flexible, understanding person, and it's not like I'm surrounded by disposable relationships. I value each and every one I have, and would never throw one away because of petty self-righteous feelings, but this one is just throwing up a lot of warning signs, like I'm being used. I don't see any kind of manipulative traits in his personality, nor does he seem to be looking to get free stuff off of me (he doesn't fish for gifts, and in the past when I've offered him something, he actually seems reluctant to accept gifts). I don't know why he'd want to manipulate me, but I'm noticing a very suspicious pattern of behavior, and I don't like it. I really hope this turns out to be nothing, because he's fun to hang out with, and I do care about him (regardless of his feelings for me). But I deserve some level of respect, to feel like he cares about my feelings at least as much as you'd expect any good friend too.