Could my friend be gay?

Hey guys, I'm back after a couple of months which have been a veritable emotional roller-coaster ride for me.

Long story short, it turned out that my friend also likes me and is gay. I really appreciate him for having the courage to tell me first, given that I'm the only one who knows this secret (and as it would naturally follow, he's the only one who knows mine). However, he did say that he's not comfortable being together with me despite his feelings, since it goes against his staunch religious beliefs. He still plans to marry and have children.

We're currently in a very awkward state - we're trying to turn ourselves into brothers rather than lovers, but I still have really strong feelings for him (which I have tried to suppress and convert with miserable failure)...The past few weeks have just been living hell. However, we still spend a lot of time together, and he's been really caring and understanding towards me, which I have no doubt reciprocated to an equal, if not stronger degree.

I feel that through sharing our secret with each other, we have become much closer than ever before (and possibly closer to anyone else around us) both physically and emotionally. Emotionally, I've never felt this close to somebody in my entire life, and I trust him unreservedly, since I have no qualms about exposing my innermost self to him, which I can never imagine doing with anyone else. On a physical dimension, we hug each other A LOT, he puts his arm around me/vice versa when we sit down/walk, and we often hold hands. A couple of times we were so close to each other while hugging we nearly kissed, but I know he has misgivings about doing such things, so we just left it there. I have kissed him on the cheek a few times, and he was also fine with it.

Ironically, I'm even more lost and confused than what I was prior to all this. I should be happy that he feels the same way about me, but I suppose that knowing something is within hands-reach, yet will never be attainable inflicts greater pain than simply trying to conjecture the uncertain state of our relationship, as I was doing at the start of this thread. Every time I imagine him marrying the girl of his dreams, I feel like I'm getting stabbed in the heart which sends me into a depressed daze.

I feel trapped in a labyrinthine of complex emotions, which is preponderantly characterised by my immense and uncontrollable love for him. It's consuming my life as we speak - I have trouble studying, interacting with others, controlling my temper and rationality, as well as falling asleep at night (I don't even want to count all the sleepless nights I've suffered over this).

What's more, all of this is having adverse physiological effects on me too. Every time I think about losing him, I literally convulse with fear and sadness as a spectre of hollowness engulfs me. I got the flu during this period of stress too, which still hasn't gotten better even after 3 weeks. I've also mentioned my insomnia, which is surely detrimental to my health. Moreover, I believe I have (possibly severe) depression, as I have thought about hurting myself, contemplated suicide, questioned my self-worth in being alive, and feel too lacklustre to do anything - in other words, I'm tired in every possible way (physically, mentally, emotionally).

I'm really torn about what to do. My rational side tells me I should heed his suggestion and try to turn our relationship into one of pure brotherhood, and I really have tried to do that. Nonetheless, my emotional side has the overwhelming upper hand in dictating my life, thoughts and decisions, and deep down, I desperately want us to be boyfriends...(every time I say this I feel like I'm desecrating him - so righteous, holy, religious...*sigh*).

He keeps telling me that "we'll get through this together", and he (at least in form) acknowledges me as his "little brother", and calls me "little bro" instead of my name. I must say that part of me does see him as a brother, as I believe that all this "bro" business is innate to every guy, and as guys, we can instinctively treat another guy we get along well with as a brother. Needless to say however, this desire for pure bromance/friendship pales into insignificance in front of my forbidden love for him.

This is one of those things that feels so close, and yet couldn't be further from me/us. I sometimes still question why things are like this, and bemoan why reality has to be so cruel. I know these are childish thoughts that certainly don't befit a person of my age, but I'm just in so much despair that I see no way out of this which won't destroy my life.

I love him and part of that love is my respect for his decisions and religious adherence. There is no way I will pressure him into doing anything he's uncomfortable with. I still love spending time with him - it's possibly the only time when I'm genuinely happy, but the stark contrast of imagining myself losing him (when he falls in love with a girl) makes all of this twice, thrice, infinite times more painful. He obviously has the liberty to make whatever decisions in his life, and I acknowledge that he doesn't belong to me in any way, but I still think we share something very beautiful right now, and I really don't want that to end - it's perhaps the only thing that's keeping my life going right now.

---------- Post added 15th Aug 2015 at 10:32 PM ----------

I also think that all this has made me bereft of all emotional stability. I sometimes don't know how to act in front of him. Half the time I'm happy, and the other half of the time I'm with him I remain very quiet and just stare blankly at nothing overwhelmed by sadness.

I've also fought with him a few times, as I was angry at him for putting me through all this. But later I realised that none of this is his fault, or anyone's fault - love just works in mysterious and mischievous ways.

 

He told me that his despite his sexual orientation, he has confidence that he will be able to lead an orthodox family life through 'God's plan and guidance', although he may not be able to achieve this of his own accord. Thank you for your suggestion.

---------- Post added 18th Aug 2015 at 04:18 PM ----------

Thank you for your advice. It's a devastating thing to have to go through, so I wish all the best for you too. I'm not sure how talking to a professional is going to solve the problem, but I will consider it if things get too extreme.