Hey there, it's your regular demoralizing threadstarter here, coming with another piece of thoughts, probably half rambling/ranting, but, maybe that'll help. This one is.. not that long so I'll just put the context in spoilers. Context 1 : Spoiler "Around" me (in an internet sense), I see people struggling, with coming to terms with their sexual orientation, gender identity. I see those inspiring their network to get better and work on getting better, which even I say too occasionally. I see activism, I see friendships, I see occasional moments when people feel down. I also see those with considerably smaller problems around me IRL. I'm used to being the one people in class other students ask question to, or the one who will help their friend online/IRL, or who will help a cause. I see so many people doing an amazing job on themselves, feeling better, I see those who look happy around me, but then introspection knocks at my door and I open and it delivers me the amazing report of my state of being : I'm alternating between near "mania" (suddenly hypercreative, lots of energy, lots of will power to do things; not manic though, I don't seem to fit the symptoms for manic episodes according to the DSM-V & co.) and what really, really looks like depression, but I'm trying to stay out of it (because A) those high episodes feel nice, B) I know when the episode of "mania" fades away I've got a few weeks before I break down). I'm not out, I'm not even confident enough to say "I'm gay" to myself in my mother language, even whispering it. I see people who've been on a long journey and feel better but eventually my mind boils down everything to this one question .. Question 1 : Why should I do it? And I don't mean why should people try to work on their physical and mental health and try to accept themselves and assert their identity as much as they want, I advise everyone else to do that, but why should I do it too? I hate feeling like a hypocrite, but, I'm not everyone else. More context : Spoiler For the past two weeks approximately I've been feeling good, why? School started again, I could get my mind off things and hyperfocus on reduction/oxydation equations and point products. I have people around me who will come to me for questions about school and I'll gladly help them solve their equations. I love when my brain is in focus, when there's nothing else than work, problems, exercises. I'm also back into coding a bit more, and drawing as well. And for a week or so I never worried about when I should come out, my long term loneliness or psychological "incidents". I haven't worried about completing my next "cycle", leaving the high phase and entering the depressive phase which outcome I know will be horrifying. For a week I didn't look at guys, I didn't feel awkward in the changing room during gym class, I didn't have the usual "oh sh!t, I'm gay" mind freeze that happens from time to time, and I've even started feeling like things around me were real again (another issue, very long to explain). I crammed every issue that came up at the same time I figured out my sexuality, everything that I tied to it (because yes, for more than two years I've been convinced none of that would have happened had I been straight or ignorant), into a box and left it there, and it worked. And yes, I'm saying it, being gay freaking destroyed my life and caused every single bit of trouble I've hard in the last three years, and I know I can't get rid of it (sadly?), but I know I can stop acknolwedging it. My analytical self says "that's it, don't think about how you're different in any way that'd be seen as bad or problematic, just ignore them, show your positive differences, think of what you had before those issues", and I'm agreeing here. If you change A and B happens, then why not think there's a correlation between A and B? It's basic conditions, IF (NOT A) THEN B, if 1 then <commands>. Final question : So if I've found a way to deal with it, and even if it won't work all the time, why should I find the courage to come out? Why should I go see a therapist? Why should I work on my language problems? Why should I want to try to put myself out there to date? Why should I want a relationship? Or an honest connection with my parents? Or confronting my issues when it's clear that if I stop ruminating about them I see things things brither instead of a foggy reality tainted by depressive thoughts? Why can't I just be the quirky furry memelord who codes and draws and studies well? Why do I also have to be the gay teenager who's dealing with gods-know-what in his mind, who has made zero progress towards coming out and when he does eventually slides back to square one, who has self harm scars all over his arm, all of that jazz because he couldn't accept the fact that he's gay, back when he didn't know English, and all the hardships that will come with that? Why couldn't I stop acknowledging the issues I'm sure I partly, unintentionally, created myself are there and simply focus on the rest? Why should I continue pointing out to myself that I'm different, in a bad way, from everyone else? Couldn't I just scrap out every bad bit and convince myself there's no issue, and then live a life, not of lies (I ain't saying I wanna fool people into thinking I'm straight), but of distraction, supporting others, school work, programming projects and drawing? Couldn't I just accept that I've given up on finding that kind of happiness, and move on? I know it will most likely not work for many people, and I wouldn't recommend it to them, but it seems to work to me. Is that reasoning faulty? On that note, have a good day.