I've been married for 37 years, and I can't stand ignoring who I am any longer. I know I am freaking old, not attractive anymore. UGH. My wife has known since before we were married. I have stayed hidden because of work, because of the church. I can't do it any longer. I know I am not alone.
Sure you can ... it's a free country! You may want to consider what you would like your life to look like if you were to come out, what it is realistic for you to expect your life to look like, and what coming out might cost you. Some men find the freedom to speak their truth out-loud enough of a reward regardless of what else happens. Others may find that merely acknowledging it to themselves and being around other gay men when they have that chance works better for them. If your wife knows then it seems you've already cleared an important hurdle.
While I was a little younger than you when I came out from a similar situation it was a feeling of true liberation. I can’t express the joy I felt not having to pretend any longer.For me it was thrilling to be able to finally say out loud that I was gay. Life is too short not to be the genuine you.
Hi Sir, You live in free country, If I were you I will come out soon. I m living in islamic country, gay is sensitive issue. My wife knows me like guy, even I still try to find a solution. I know it us very difficult but your country and environmenthe support to gay issue. If I were you I will come out soon. Thx
Rather than asking if you could come out at 61, you should ask yourself if you should come out (regardless of age). Should you come out? Yes, you should, because of this: Clearly, this issue is overwhelming you and it will not go away. You could live for another 30 or 40 years yet and you definitely don't want those years to be blighted by all of this emotional stress and pain. Now is the time to free yourself and be true, authentic and healthy. I'm sure there are many things pulling you back when you think about coming out... work, society, religion, other people, but we can come up with excuses and shrink from authenticity forever by paying too much attention to those things and we'll become a shadow of ourselves in the process. Is that how you want to see yourself? Is that how you want other people to see you? I'm not as old as you, but I've definitely reached a point in life where I don't want to hide or deny anything about myself. I've survived over 40 years on this mortal coil and I think that's long enough to say "fuck it - this is who I am!". If other people don't like it they'll have to sort out their own feelings because I'm not going to tip toe around for anyone, anymore. I don't want to be known as a nice guy who never upsets the apple cart. I'd rather be known as a nice guy because I am true and honest in all my dealings. That's the better standard to set for ourselves.
Working on this myself, 53, married 30 years. Same with my wife. Thought I might have been writing to myself from the future somehow. Old and unattractive is only how you see yourself, not how the rest of the world sees you. Message me any time, if for no other reason than to vent. Any children? How would retirement work? Does your wife have her own 401k, pension or social security? I hate to sound so practical, but it's something to consider.
Hmm. Hi. Yep. A few times in the last four decades , I've awoken from a dream, a realised with great clarity, the truth. Then it faded. Boarding school till 18, boys school,, I had a few boyfriends. Not all my friends did, but it was the 70's, so we didn't talk about it. Now I finally know. And I accept it. Now married to a woman for nearly 30 years with two teenage boys who are also at boarding school, I'm wondering who's going to break cover first... I came out to my wife a year ago. Took three days to stop her trying to throw me out. I broke cover with friends, on New Year. Oh boy, didn't realise their homophobia till too late. Took four days to not get thrown out. So. Where am I, and how does that relate to you?. Ah. Well, no magic here I'm sorry. I joined a group, in town, for late comers to this party. Thing is, are you single? Like me, the answer is no. Are you gay? Or: are you bisexual? I'm having trouble with that one as sex life with wife has improved 100 x. Ok she said it, during one of our talks. You're obviously bisexual. So that's where it is right now. I know i want a serious gay relationship before I go. But real life and responsibilities are cutting into that utopia. I wait. And. See. Shheesh.
jart56....Hello and welcome to empty closets. I'm pretty sure that I know how you feel. I want to share a short version of my story as I think it will help you to know that there is a way to find yourself and to find happiness... I pretended that I was straight for a very long time. I felt that I had to wear that mask because my job (public school teacher) would never accept me, because my conservative church would never accept me. For decades my shame, guilt and self-hate grew and tortured me more every year. No one knew my terrible secret, I kept it from everyone, including my wife of 37 years. I even kept it from myself causing a kind of split personality that just made the depression that much worse. I felt impossibly trapped with no way out. I swore that I would take that secret to my grave and I nearly did. On Dec. 25, 2014 I too said "I can't do it any longer". That night I asked for help from the people here on empty closets. They responded and saved me from suicide. That night, at 64 years old, I finally accepted that I am and always was gay. I still didn't see any way out....I couldn't come out to the world, I couldn't tell my wife. All I could do was share how I felt here on EC. Little by little I started to see possibilities. It was almost a year after coming out on EC that I managed to come up with a reason that would let me see a therapist without my wife really knowing what it was about. I was facing retirement from the job I loved and I did have some severe health issues...that was the reason, she thought. I was careful to find a therapist who dealt with LGBTQ issues and was gay himself. The night I met him for the first time, I had decided to tell him about retirement and health problems, then if there was time, try to ask a little about what being gay was like. I lasted about 3 minutes before I broke down in sobs and said "I am gay"....for the very first time to a person face-to-face. Jacob (therapist) just hugged me and let me cry until I got back under control at least a little. He has been my rock ever since. Perhaps I could have made it on my own, but I not sure of it. Jacob has helped me see so much about myself. There is much to tell, but for here and now I will just say that I no longer fight guilt, shame, self-hate and depression. I am such a different person now than I was before 12/25/14. After six months talking with Jacob, I came out to my wife and oldest son. It was terribly difficult to tell them that the person they thought they knew was not who I really am. My oldest son is a pastor. They accepted me anyway and I have chosen to stay with my wife. We have built a life together and I choose that life, my sons and grandchildren over the life of an out-gay man. I don't think that there is anything wrong with being out at my age or any age...it's just not what I want. I am now out to about ten or so of the most important people in my life and I feel no need to tell the world. Occasionally my wife even makes a gay joke...she has come up with some pretty good ones too! When I feel the time is right I will tell my other two sons...I don't feel any pressure to rush it. My church doesn't know and I feel no need or pressure to tell them. If somehow they should find out, then I will be the thorn in their flesh as they have known me as a Sunday school teacher/deacon and worship leader for over 30 years. They will have to seriously re-examine their view of a gay guy as I don't fit their stereotype. I'm no longer worried that they will find out. I think that rather than leave the church I need to be the gay guy in their midst that disproves what they think if it ever comes up. So here I am 3+ years after I thought that there was to hope, no way out of the terrible trap. I am happy and relaxed enjoying my life. I watch a lot of youtube to see guys and girls, men and women telling the world that they are breaking free of the stereotypes and depression that affected them for so long. Those videos make me so happy. I also spend a lot of time here on empty closets. I feel I have a debt to repay...a debt that I can't ever really completely repay...but I am committed to helping others as much and whenever I can, because the help that EC gave me saved my life. jart56....OK, I know that was a very long reply, but I wanted you to know, to see that there is hope. Even when we think that fixing the situation that we are in is impossible...it can be done. One thing that Jacob taught me is to stop saying....to stop even thinking "Never". Yes, you might not be able to do it any longer...but we can help you to find a different way through the problems. Seriously think about finding a LGBTQ-qualified counselor/therapist. They can help so very, very much. Keep sharing with us here on empty closets and we will do our best to help with suggestions and ideas or with a shoulder to cry on when you need it. We are here to help...to help you! I am looking forward to hearing from you...soon! ..... David
Dear Jart56, Yes you CAN! On January 6, I concluded that I could not live ONE MORE DAY as an impostor. I am 61. My wife ALSO knew before we were married 28 years ago. Back then my mistake was believing my own deception that God had changed me. I wanted change so bad that I willed it to be so. It required lying to myself. A horrible place to spend almost one-half of my life, but . . . Where you find yourself right at this very moment may not feel very exciting...but it IS exciting! I venture that today is the day that the emotional pain you've been enduring finally outweighed the fear of coming out. Moving forward will not be easy, but the pain in this new challenge will be temporary, with a goal in sight just ahead. This pain is the lesser cost of setting yourself free. The old pain would have destroyed you. For you, this time is the right time. Yesterday you were not ready. Tomorrow your fear may change your mind. It's today. -------------------- [QUOTE="jart56 I've been married for 37 years, and I can't stand ignoring who I am any longer. I know I am freaking old, not attractive anymore. UGH. My wife has known since before we were married. I have stayed hidden because of work, because of the church. I can't do it any longer. I know I am not alone.[/QUOTE]
